I spent some time yesterday looking through documents and old photos looking for my marriage certificate that seems to have gone missing. I shed a few tears as I saw pictures from different parts of our lives. I don't wish Ray back, not with that last year of his life being so hard, but I do wish him with me in a good way, with all his kind ways and family values.

It is hard to say: "It is just me from now on". I know that is a fact, however much my family might say: "We love you Mum" most of their time is taken up with their own lives and the things they have to do and thinking about me results in a once a week phone call to see I am okay. That is hardly keeping an eye on me and making sure things are okay as they promised. A hundred different things can go wrong in a week. But they do have a right to have their own life, just as I have had mine.

I was feeling so "why me?" by the end of the day. I sat at the computer and cried as I read about so much heart-ache on a widowed site and thought of all I have lost. But that is not the point is it? Because if we mourn for the past all the time we miss the present and fail to build for the future. We can all mourn what we have lost and as survivors and caregivers that occupies the majority of our time for a while at the beginning and then in a lot of places along the way. But we are missing something that is never coming back, just as I was sitting here last night. Those good times are never coming back!!!!

In a section of the Bible in the book Ecclesiastes the writes says (in my version) "Do not ask: "Why were the old days better than these?" For it is not wise to ask such questions." I do take that to heart. It is not wise for me to cling to the past, highlighting the good times and longing to be back there again. I have to go on from where I am and rebuild my life. I don't want to, but I have to.

Because people mostly leave this site after they are bereaved and no longer a caregiver there is not a lot of "how to" information on here. That is why I am also on a widowed site as well. I don't want to leave here yet as my good friends of many years (since May 2005) are here and I hate to stop reading daily of their doings and being here for them but I do know that as I move forward I will leave a lot of how I felt as a caregiver behind me. So commenting on what others write will require a lot of self-examinating and after a while I might find that uncomfortable.

I have been greatly helped by the wisdom of a lot of people on here that draws on that "wisdom born of pain", I have watched on as people went from acute pain, through trials and tribulations to a feeling of acceptance, of being able to do what has to be done, both caregivers and survivors as I have read the blogs week by week. One advantage of being the Blog Moderator is that you read the blogs deeply, think of something appropriate to the situation and the writer to reply and watch as others add their comments. It is a week's work on a daily basis every week to do that and an hour or more to do the report.

I followed Asha as the Blog Moderator and was always impressed by the job she did in summarising what people have written. It is true you cannot tell what a blog is about by it's title or by the few lines you see as a "teaser" you have to read the blog, think about it and read it again. In some cases you have to go back and read a few blogs before this one to see what has been happening in the writer's life that has brought them to this point. It its important to know what they are writing about and why. My present blogs are on a widow theme but they might also answer questions another writer has raised

Nancy (nancyl) is using her ipad so she writes blogs instead of adding comments as her ipad will not allow her to do that but her blog also contains a lot of personal comment too. Fred (fking) writes about the state of the nation, issues he is passionate about and also includes personal stuff. Like a book you can't tell a blog by the first paragraph. If you need to follow a certain blog you can get a message sent to your email address when that blog is updated. I know a couple of my friends have made that happen so they get a message when I have published a new blog. That is good to do even when you think you have retired from commenting on the blogs , to still do some reading. It keeps you in touch.

People always ask why people leave this site. Some people come for a while, find their needs fulfilled and their questions answered and go again. It is the way it is. Some stay for a while, join the chat group, pass on some of the wisdom they have learned and help others come to an acceptance of their situation. That is good. We all need those people who we can turn to in a crisis knowing they are rock soliid and will do their best to help. Some become part of the support framework here, officially as staff members or unofficially as regular commenters. Those who have appreciated the help they have been given are happier to pass on that help to others.

As a long time blogger I often look back, usually on what was happening at the same time of the year in the years gone by. Sometimes I have forgetten certain incidents in Ray's and my life and am surprised at what I read, sometimes it brings back an old hurt and I ask once again: "Why me?". It is good to have an online journal to have been able to use it in the way I have, to sort things out. It makes life more real, more a progress of events and takes the sting out of the hurts of the past. For to have peace of mind we all have to forgive.

So memories are bittersweet, they fade with the passing of time and yet hold valuable lessons we have learned along the way. We all have a story to tell and we all need to express that in some ways. I do that through this blog. I don't know what the future holds but in some ways I am preparing for that too.