I hate having those dreams where you wake up and the dream still continues. I had a nap yesterday afternoon, something woke me and I struggled out of sleep, looked at the clock and it said 5.15pm. I immediately thought: “I'd better get up and start preparing dinner, Ray will be home soon.” Home from where? Work?How stupid! Ray last drove in early April 1999.
I started crying, I guess that there is a part of me that longs for the past, not just to remember those good memories but to actually step back in time and relive that time, maybe appreciate more the tiny moments of joy I felt back then. I don't know if it is part of healing but it is a bittersweet experience, that longing for some time that will never come again.
I think we all have echoes of the same love story, whether we are survivors, caregivers or like me a widow and former caregiver. It is the story of love, loss and getting back on with life, finding a “new normal”. I never even heard that phrase before Ray had strokes! I just thought normal was what happened to each of us every day, I took life for granted. Silly me!
I have been filling my days though mostly they fill themselves. A phone call can mean minding the grandbabies, calling in to see a friend, a hospital visit. I guess this is Asha's flow I am going with. The best invitations are to lunch or dinner or a meet-up with a friend for coffee. Last night I went to Trev and Edie's and played with Alice and Lucas. Alice is almost walking and did walk a few steps while I was there, Edie missed it but I am sure she will witness it soon.
I can tell the colder weather is coming. The days seem to be as bright as ever but the nights seem darker. We have a build up of heat, one lovely hot day and then a thunderstorm. I hate those crash bang storms with little or no rain as they do not clear the air as the ones with rain do. I know we go off daylight saving soon and then the days will be shorter too. I am trying to mentally prepare for that and for the winter ahead.
If I am at a loose end there is the garden to tend, housework, reading, chatting on the phone, coming on to the computer. I tried the new chat today while MC was doing newbie chat and it was quite good. It will take a bit of figuring out but as soon as MC puts up a “how to chat” post why not get on and fiddle with it until you can figure it out. Just chatting can make such a difference to my day. And if you can't find a friend...hmmm...no ending to that sentence because with so many friendly people on here of course you can find a friend.
I have just been reading on another site the question was: are we angry about what is happening to us? I think for me the answer is sometimes yes, but not often. I have never found being angry a benefit. I am sad, confused, lonely, sometimes anxious about the future and what I am doing now and how that will influence the future. But I have had a HUGE life changing experience so there is bound to be anger in the mix. I am only human.
It is true that bad things happen to good people, that good people make mistakes that are life changing. But bringing anger into it is like playing the “blame game” one that begins “if only you would this...then that (good outcome) would happen”. I do the same when I go on a guilt trip, which we all do, thinking: "if only I had made Ray (this) then the strokes etc would not have happened and we would be happily caravanning around Australia now." Of course I know it is totally unrealistic but I do it anyway.
We all live in a land of broken dreams, we are all unrealistic in our thoughts sometimes. We are all doing our best. Bless us all.