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unrealistic dreams


swilkinson

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I hate having those dreams where you wake up and the dream still continues. I had a nap yesterday afternoon, something woke me and I struggled out of sleep, looked at the clock and it said 5.15pm. I immediately thought: “I'd better get up and start preparing dinner, Ray will be home soon.” Home from where? Work?How stupid! Ray last drove in early April 1999.

 

I started crying, I guess that there is a part of me that longs for the past, not just to remember those good memories but to actually step back in time and relive that time, maybe appreciate more the tiny moments of joy I felt back then. I don't know if it is part of healing but it is a bittersweet experience, that longing for some time that will never come again.

 

I think we all have echoes of the same love story, whether we are survivors, caregivers or like me a widow and former caregiver. It is the story of love, loss and getting back on with life, finding a “new normal”. I never even heard that phrase before Ray had strokes! I just thought normal was what happened to each of us every day, I took life for granted. Silly me!

 

I have been filling my days though mostly they fill themselves. A phone call can mean minding the grandbabies, calling in to see a friend, a hospital visit. I guess this is Asha's flow I am going with. The best invitations are to lunch or dinner or a meet-up with a friend for coffee. Last night I went to Trev and Edie's and played with Alice and Lucas. Alice is almost walking and did walk a few steps while I was there, Edie missed it but I am sure she will witness it soon.

 

I can tell the colder weather is coming. The days seem to be as bright as ever but the nights seem darker. We have a build up of heat, one lovely hot day and then a thunderstorm. I hate those crash bang storms with little or no rain as they do not clear the air as the ones with rain do. I know we go off daylight saving soon and then the days will be shorter too. I am trying to mentally prepare for that and for the winter ahead.

 

If I am at a loose end there is the garden to tend, housework, reading, chatting on the phone, coming on to the computer. I tried the new chat today while MC was doing newbie chat and it was quite good. It will take a bit of figuring out but as soon as MC puts up a “how to chat” post why not get on and fiddle with it until you can figure it out. Just chatting can make such a difference to my day. And if you can't find a friend...hmmm...no ending to that sentence because with so many friendly people on here of course you can find a friend.

 

I have just been reading on another site the question was: are we angry about what is happening to us? I think for me the answer is sometimes yes, but not often. I have never found being angry a benefit. I am sad, confused, lonely, sometimes anxious about the future and what I am doing now and how that will influence the future. But I have had a HUGE life changing experience so there is bound to be anger in the mix. I am only human.

 

It is true that bad things happen to good people, that good people make mistakes that are life changing. But bringing anger into it is like playing the “blame game” one that begins “if only you would this...then that (good outcome) would happen”. I do the same when I go on a guilt trip, which we all do, thinking: "if only I had made Ray (this) then the strokes etc would not have happened and we would be happily caravanning around Australia now." Of course I know it is totally unrealistic but I do it anyway.

 

We all live in a land of broken dreams, we are all unrealistic in our thoughts sometimes. We are all doing our best. Bless us all.

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Sue, I count on my dreams to make me realize things I'm blocking from myself during my waking hours. After I wake, I will sit and go over them in my mind so they become part of my consicous once again. You were probably dreaming of Ray, and how it used to be; I too have dreams where my Ray is young and healthy. How can you block that out of your memory, even if you wanted to? Cry and cry again, we had good lives overall.

 

Unfortunately the twilight hour can be the happiest time, when the family gets together for dinner; or the saddest time, when you're sitting by yourself. It's not just stroke survivors that suffer from sundowning! Glad to hear you're getting out and seeing people, sadly in the end you only have yourself though. With your positive attitude you will soldier through and of course,as you always do, pass on your pearls of wisdom to others to make it all somewhat worthwhile. I guess that's really what we were put here on God's earth to do in the end.

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See Sue you got a very strong mind it works when you are sleeping and it never gives up on you. That's to be expected now and it's great you got the grand kids around at times. They can't replace Ray, Mum, or Dad but your mind is strong in life as you are a very strong woman from strong parents. My mom called that kind of mind, a mile a minute mind. You are just fine go ahead and dream you had a wonderful life with Ray. A lifetime husband and true friend in your mind! You cared all you could all his life. I'm there now with my wife! I know the feelings.

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thank you so much for you feelings, -- they are so important to all of us...you identified yourself as a former caregiver -- you are not former caregiver, you will always be a caregiver, you take care of us on stroke net ( you really , really do) you have been getting the opportunity of taking care of the grandchildren... and as a pastoral assistant not a day goes by you are not caregiving.. you are in that loss stage.. and although i am only focusing on the word caregiver- you are who you always have been ... a wonderful compassionate person... who is missing her husband whether the "old " or "young" man .. you miss him, what you had.. and the one thing about missing something when it is gone is, it had to have had some value in order to be missed... and missing the old life from the kids youngin years or the more recent trials and tribulations .. it was all important and there fore missed.... cry babe cry.... i lay and worry but crying isent something i have done a lot of... lately... i guess god gives us the stoic-ness to survive what we must... and now you get to grieve.. and with that come the tears..

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Sue :

 

I love your blogs, reading your blogs your blog reminds me of quote of winnie the pooh ""how lucky I am that saying goodbye make it so hard". you were so fortunate to have wonderful years with Ray, wish every one can find that kind of love in their spouse. give yourself time in grieving loss of your soulmate. I am sure it will become easier as time goes on. hope you find that peace & joy soon.

 

Asha

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Sue: there were years just passed that I never dreamed - maybe just too exhausted or just the mind shutting down, not wanting to deal with the hand we had been dealt. Lately it is always Bruce walking.

 

The dreams I remember mostly are when Mom and Dad visit and that is always a blessing for me. I awaken somehow at peace even if we argue. So to have Bruce enter into those is interesting. But I still have my Bruce. I can touch and feel him. I think that I can still touch and feel Mom and Dad, Distant, yes, but still there.

 

He's speaking to you and in time, that will be positive. In the meantime, you see and feel Ray in your children and grandchildren.

 

Winter is such a down time. But you have your Autumn coming and a wonderful time. Sleep, rest and such beauty - and such beauty Mother Nature gives us. Peace in knowing that the cycle continues. Debbie

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