Sue, I count on my dreams to make me realize things I'm blocking from myself during my waking hours. After I wake, I will sit and go over them in my mind so they become part of my consicous once again. You were probably dreaming of Ray, and how it used to be; I too have dreams where my Ray is young and healthy. How can you block that out of your memory, even if you wanted to? Cry and cry again, we had good lives overall.

Unfortunately the twilight hour can be the happiest time, when the family gets together for dinner; or the saddest time, when you're sitting by yourself. It's not just stroke survivors that suffer from sundowning! Glad to hear you're getting out and seeing people, sadly in the end you only have yourself though. With your positive attitude you will soldier through and of course,as you always do, pass on your pearls of wisdom to others to make it all somewhat worthwhile. I guess that's really what we were put here on God's earth to do in the end.

See Sue you got a very strong mind it works when you are sleeping and it never gives up on you. That's to be expected now and it's great you got the grand kids around at times. They can't replace Ray, Mum, or Dad but your mind is strong in life as you are a very strong woman from strong parents. My mom called that kind of mind, a mile a minute mind. You are just fine go ahead and dream you had a wonderful life with Ray. A lifetime husband and true friend in your mind! You cared all you could all his life. I'm there now with my wife! I know the feelings.

thank you so much for you feelings, -- they are so important to all of us...you identified yourself as a former caregiver -- you are not former caregiver, you will always be a caregiver, you take care of us on stroke net ( you really , really do) you have been getting the opportunity of taking care of the grandchildren... and as a pastoral assistant not a day goes by you are not caregiving.. you are in that loss stage.. and although i am only focusing on the word caregiver- you are who you always have been ... a wonderful compassionate person... who is missing her husband whether the "old " or "young" man .. you miss him, what you had.. and the one thing about missing something when it is gone is, it had to have had some value in order to be missed... and missing the old life from the kids youngin years or the more recent trials and tribulations .. it was all important and there fore missed.... cry babe cry.... i lay and worry but crying isent something i have done a lot of... lately... i guess god gives us the stoic-ness to survive what we must... and now you get to grieve.. and with that come the tears..

Sue :

I love your blogs, reading your blogs your blog reminds me of quote of winnie the pooh ""how lucky I am that saying goodbye make it so hard". you were so fortunate to have wonderful years with Ray, wish every one can find that kind of love in their spouse. give yourself time in grieving loss of your soulmate. I am sure it will become easier as time goes on. hope you find that peace & joy soon.

Asha

Sue: there were years just passed that I never dreamed - maybe just too exhausted or just the mind shutting down, not wanting to deal with the hand we had been dealt. Lately it is always Bruce walking.

The dreams I remember mostly are when Mom and Dad visit and that is always a blessing for me. I awaken somehow at peace even if we argue. So to have Bruce enter into those is interesting. But I still have my Bruce. I can touch and feel him. I think that I can still touch and feel Mom and Dad, Distant, yes, but still there.

He's speaking to you and in time, that will be positive. In the meantime, you see and feel Ray in your children and grandchildren.

Winter is such a down time. But you have your Autumn coming and a wonderful time. Sleep, rest and such beauty - and such beauty Mother Nature gives us. Peace in knowing that the cycle continues. Debbie