I have been trying to give time to my family when they ask for it but while still maintaining some independence. It is always a balancing act, isn't it? There is so much busyness in all our lives. When I was a full-time caregiver I gave very little time and thought to the family, now my time is my own I can spare them the time but don't want to get too embroiled in their lifes. I don't want to become the interferring mother-in-law, the type who's phone calls have to be screened out or ignored untill you have the time to deal with them.
Sometimes I feel lonely, as you know, as I have expressed that here before. Sometimes I am busy and time flies. I have a kind of routine now, it is not set in stone and I have not got any committments I cannot drop if I have to. I am paranoid about getting into a position where I HAVE to do anything on a permanent basis. Of course I try to be on here for my chat, do a weekly Blog Report etc. At church I try to make sure if my name is on one of the rosters I am there and do carry out my obligations. But none of that is a life or death committment like looking after Ray physically or emotionally was.
With Mum's death the rest of my obligations peeled away. I so miss her and mourn for her especially last week with the lead-up to Mother's Day on Sunday. All the "firsts" are difficult so Mother's Day became something I dreaded. But it all went okay. My daughter rang me before church to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and Trevor rang me to ask me what was a suitable time for them to bring over meat and salad vegetables for a BBQed dinner. We settled on 5.30pm so I could still go to Messy Church in the afternoon. That worked out well, though walking out on the dinner of oven baked savoury potatoes the Messy Church participants were having was hard. I did so with some reluctance.
So on Sunday I served at church, went out with the lunch bunch ladies for a quick lunch then came home for an hour before going to Messy Church, then home to set up for Trev to BBQ. They arrived almost an hour late but that was understandable with their other Mother needing some attention plus getting in a sleep for Alice and a calm-down period for Lucas. It was a pleasant clear evening, Trevor cooked us a nice meal and the company was good. Alice was clowning around and making us laugh. Trev bought me potting mix and organic fertilizer ( it is a byproduct of cows...lol) as that is our standard present so in Spring I will be able to pot up all the plants once more.
My other son didn't visit. My DIL rang up but as she didn't have the children she arranged that she and they would come over Monday after school and give me a special afternoon tea which they did. Of course Pamela still misses her own mother who died twelve years ago. I guess it is just something we do for the rest of our lives. The gifts the grandchildren had chosen were nice too, they don't have much money but had put some thought into what they would buy. We watched as they played outside, came inside and watched one of the Singlaong videos and had a scrumptious and far too sugary afternoon tea, but as it was in good company who cares?
I have been asked to get more involved in church happenings but said I would leave making decisions on getting more involved until I come back from my planned holiday to England (more details of that later) and so that has bought me a breathing space. I know everyone has extra jobs lined up for me if I want them but do I want to be tied down again? Not in the foreseeable future. I love to volunteer but now it has to be out of choice not out of duty or obligation. I have all that time of being tied down behind me now. Do I want to be busy and for my life to be fulfilled? Yes, of course I do. I just do not know how that will happen as yet. I am hoping that life will adjust so that the way forward is obvious. Does it ever happen that way?
I have a busy week ahead of me, three things to do tomorrow, pick up oldies for the Friendship morning tea, pop in to see a girfriend who I had promised to have lunch with but can't now as I have to go to another Lions Club member's funeral at 1.30pm. This is the second one in two months. I am hoping there are no more this year. On your Tuesday evening, my Wednesday morning it is chat time and then I hope to do some gardening for the rest of the day weather permitting. I was too busy over the weekend to do any gardening or tidying up. I usually do the odd jobs like gardening on Saturdays but this Saturday was Edie's birthday so I had lunch over at Trev and Edie's. It was not a formal lunch as they were going out to a very exclusive restuarant for a very expensive dinner that evening so it was salad sandwiches for lunch but I enjoyed being with them anyway.
As usual, life goes on.