I had to blog this one for me. To have some sort of time-life acknowledgement of what is going on right now.

I haven't had this much anxiety/fear/exhilaration in three years. Yes, the first year post, that was all the time. There were times I had to actually sit and breathe to get through it.

But I am older now, less flexible and do not recover as quickly - LOL.

It was OK when Bruce and I were working towards independence. But the time has arrived and I am not faring well. I am so happy for both of us. Bruce is thriving on the independence and I am tied in knots, knowing I am going to find him on the floor.

I was telling Julie tonight, today I made welfare check at 8:15 am as agreed. All is well - toiletting not so much. At 9:30 am I call, no answer, so home I go. Bruce is doing the dishes and says to me "what is wrong with you?" As if to say, my hands are wet, I can't answer a phone.

In the meantime, Erma comes into the office and says she was on her way home, should she just "drop" by? Cathy calls and asks it he is OK. Pema is sitting in the office when I return from trip one and says "Is he OK - did all go well? Did you make it in time?" And the Dietician is calling my cell as I am driving. LOL.

Things will need tweaking. I have a laundry basket in the kitchen. I toss everything into it for the caregivers. But Bruce has to enter the kitchen, backwards in the WC and hits the laundry basket every time. It is totalled and it is only two months old. Now, with just me, I can put the basket anywhere. The BR sink is custom. It has a hand rail underneath for Bruce to use, but I put a waste basket in the leg space for his tissues, dental floss sticks, etc. This basket inhibits the swinging out from the sink, so it will have to be moved.

The one thing I did not consider was the urinal. I came in the other night, no Bruce and he is in the BR taking care of that. I did not panic (cheers all around) because I knew he did not need the distraction from the task. Now this process is not what most of our survivors have been taught. And it is truly not safe. But it is what Bruce knows and is comfortable with. This afternoon when I got home, Bruce said I left the urinal. So now, obviously, is not the time to change the routine. Then Mary Beth calls and voices her opinion.

Dan came visiting the other night. I was out grilling and he came out the back door. I fell right off the bench. "What now?" I think Dan laughed for 15 minutes. Little on edge there Ethyl?

The Smart Alert is enroute. I only hope I can last long enough to get it online. And another part of this whole process is leaving the house an hour earlier. I want Bruce to understand that he has responsibilites. If I wait until all the chores are done, however independently, then there is only channel surfing for another 3 hours and that is unacceptable.

Bruce is doing fine. BM issue has to be resolved. But he is exhausted. Using parts of the brain that have been off-duty for a long time.

So just wanted to chronicle the emotional ups and downs because when I am finally a bit more comfortable with all of this, will look back and hopefully laugh. Debbie