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Feeling sad


jlight

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I am having a really sad day today. Some days are better than others but today just seems to be so hard. I feel like I am slowly watching my husband die a little each day. My heart if being ripped out of my chest. I have moments that I feel like he would be better off if God would just take him home but then he looks at me and smiles and then I think what would I do if I wasn't able to see his smile or hear his voice. I told myself that I would focus on all the things that he can do instead of focusing on the things that he can't, but then I find myself doing it again. Thanks for listening...sometimes I just have to say it out loud and someone listen.

 

Judy

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Hi Judy,

 

I'm sorry you're having such a bad day. Those sad days pop up and all we can do it seems is hold on and get to the next day. It's hard when it's someone you love. Trust his smile. :)

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Judy, I don't think there is a caregiver here who has not had those feelings of total sadness and frustration. I keep thinking if only I could get Larry to do more things, or if only I could get him to gain weight, etc. If he would just improve more, I would feel better. We just have to be thankful that things could be worse and keep working with our spouses to recover more. There have been those who have improved even after several years. All we can do is keep on hoping, praying and looking to the experts to help.

 

Enjoy the things that please you - family and friends and a treat for yourself now and then and the great support of all of us here at Stroke Net.

 

(((hugs))),

Julie

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Judy, just enjoy him being with you each day, don't think of yesterday, don't think of tomorrow. It took me a lifetime to learn that and I didn't really act on it until Ray was in the nursing home and I knew all I had was THAT day, tomorrow could be a really bad day.Enjoy your life together, it is so lonely when they are gone.

 

(((hugs))) from Sue.

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Maybe that feeling you get will turn around soon and you see him in a different light and maybe talking to you more each day. My wife works five and six days a week then she got bible study, choir practice, and praise dance practice during the week at church so I don't see much of her and we don't get to have conversations much lately but I keep myself busy with the little dog during the day and I go to bed early each night.

 

Maybe you will or can find a routine for both of you to follow! I hope he gets better soon and things will change for you both.

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Judy, Julie is right. There is probably not a caregiver here who has not had those thoughts. As we move forward and realize the difficulty in recovery, we would not wish this on anyone.

 

I watched PT the second day post stroke, sit Bruce on the side of the bed and Bruce was just a lump that had to be supported by two people. My heart died that day. What did I do? Yes, his Medical Advocate signed the DNR when we were still in the ER, but somehow this was my fault, it happened on my watch and boy, did I mess up.

 

But Judy - my recent blog. 4 1/2 years and Bruce can be left alone. Does his chores: laundry folding, dishes, feeds Kira, can urinate by himself! Honey, this is major. If something should happen to me, he can function in his own home with some help - but not full time anymore. And what a gift? And for me, less stress and just enjoying our time together - normal (in my opinion) conversations.-family, news, neighbors, his day, my day, house management.

 

Hang in there honey. My thought always from day one was that Bruce was kept here for a reason - maybe just for me (he is the love of my life) or maybe for something else. But I try to rejoice in that every single day. Debbie

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I know how miserable I will be if I lose him, so I spend everyday, praying "don't take him today, Lord!" He still has a life that he enjoys and works toward goals, and every single day is one more extra for us.

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Debbie/Ethyl - I remember that day too. The first day after they shipped him to rehab. I had wondered how they were going to ship someone to rehab that practically in a coma. Well, they all stood him on his feet with 4 around him, for about 3 seconds, then set him back down. I remember watching and thinking, "Oh God, how are we ever going to get there from here." I also remember the speech therapist showing him a page of common items, like kindergardeners circle. He looked at a drawing of a cup, a pencil and a toothbrush and they asked which one was the cup. I saw the tentative look on his face, as he tried to figure out which one was the cup, and was horrified.

 

Aside from the beginning of when you first see what their losses are, fast forward to after the big scare of losing them is over. I can honestly say I don't see handicapped Bob, I just see Bob... my guy :)

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Thanks all for the encouragement. I guess I just needed the reminder of where he too was when the stroke first happened almost 3 years ago. Couldn't sit up on the side of the bed either, heck couldn't even breathe on his own. Took almost 3 months to get him to walk very slow with a walker for just 10 steps or so. He can walk thru the house now to the bathroom with the walker on his own. I love this site...such encouragement and from folks that truly understand!

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Oh my, I hope and pray Bob will be able to go to the bathroom one day. Right now he is not able to control it at all, and even if he could, his balance is really bad, so trying to get his pants down without falling over would be a big issue. If he never does, I often think about my great grandmother whose husband had a stroke - no washing machines, no depends, no bed pads, no inside toilet/shower, plumbing of any kind... God her life must have been awful. Who knows what the future holds! For now, I just am so thankful for all the wonderful products we have - pull ups, guards, pads, wipees, washers & dryers! They help me keep my guy at home with me :)

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