I got up today and the world was silent, for the last three nights I had my three grandchildren here so I got up and two voices said: "Hello Granma". My granddaughter was still in "her room". She always says: "Will I still be able to have my room?" She has had it since she was a small girl and it is hers till I leave here I guess. She is a teenager now, withdrawn, playing her own music, not joining in the activities but on Saturday night we watched "The Princess Bride" one of her favourite movies and she sat and giggled and enjoyed our company. That was a blessing.

I had three fun mornings with them, we went to the lake just to the south of me and the nearby park on Thursday, to the beach and another park on Friday, that finished in a wailing match as Alex ran across the park in his bare feet and got bindiis (small sharp burrs) in both feet. So we came home to get first aid for him. Always something with kids. It was my first swim of the season and the water was cold but not too rough, the little boys splashed around and Tori swam backwards and forwards further out like a majestic swan. She enjoys the water and the time apart.

On Saturday we went out to breakfast, something they seem not to be familiar with. Ray and I sometimes went out to breakfast. His favourite breakfast was hot cakes at McDonald's with a chocolate thick shake, though we also went to the shopping centre and got a traditional breakfast which he also enjoyed but we shared it as he never had much appetite of a morning. I really miss those days. I know he was sick but he could still be great company when he was in a good mood. Caregivers, please appreciate the good times you have together, one day they will come to an end. Survivors try to do some fun things with your caregiver, you really need to build up good memories of shared times together.

This is the October long weekend that we used to call "Labour Day weekend". I think that name is frowned on now. It is the last weekend of the school's two week Spring break and there is a lot of traffic as Sydneysiders have a break close to home and the numbers double here on the Central Coast. We locals have to be patient because getting onto the main road and into the shops and parking is an art with so many extra cars on the road. This morning though as I drove to church the roads were almost empty, obviously all those nearby party animals whose loud music broke into my sleep last night were sleeping late this morning. Grrr!

Tomorrow is the start of another busy week. People keep ringing me and asking if I can do this and that, I tell them it is hard to fit extra things in this time of the year. As you can imagine with summer, end-of-year activities and Christmas coming on fast we are very busy here in the southern half of the world. I would like some free days so I can go swimming and enjoy the beauty of the local beaches. No point in living close to the beach if you never see it. I have the Lions Club fundraisers ahead too so have to fit them in and a couple of weekends away planned. Yes, I have the freedom to do that now. And I am slowly learning how to plan a break for myself, that has been a while coming.

Mainly thanks to the girls in chat I am feeling better again. I know that it was just the boredom of the every day routine that got me down for a while. I think I still have survivor guilt, that guilty feeling that says: "I shouldn't be enjoying myself when my loved one is no longer able to." I don't know why it has taken me so long to get to this stage of accepting that there is only me now, I think in a way it is because I don't want it to be that way. So thanks to all who support me on this site, in chat, on the forums and here in our Blog community. Your support means a lot to me.

Sometimes I feel as if I could fill pages with what I miss about Ray. I think I have got this far into my recovery pretty well but sometimes one of those sudden waves of sadness washes over me and I feel as if I am being swept way down that black hole again. Watching couples walking hand in hand on the beach on Friday made me feel sad, that seems to be one of my triggers. No, it is not depression it is knowing that what we had is over and nothing ahead will ever be the same without him. Even getting my memories of what our life was like before the strokes back is painful. I want life to be like that again. Okay, get off the pity pot Sue and get out and do some gardening.