Last night I went to a conference at a hotel by the sea. I enjoyed the beautiful sunset over the ocean. I left the wheelchair in the corner and sat in a real comfy padded seat verry grateful for a soft seat. At the end of it there was a little reception with wine bar. I waited until everyone else went through the little buffet line so I could walk through with some help. I did it!! I managed not to fall on a table full of food and to hold a little plate and hang on for dear life on an arm. I felt normal and yet I have never felt so not normal. I look back on it and I am so amazed that I could do it and that I can say hey I did walk and talk like I never thought I would again. Then there is a part of me so disappointed in this life and so embarrassed and so in agony to the core of my soul that I am not who I was and who I want to be. I came home celebrating but then as I lay in bed thinking I was overcome with the awareness of embarrassment and shame even (irrational) and what was I doing anyway certainly not proving anything. But then again I was proving everything. And I was the only person there in a chair and not even someone with a cane was there. So good then I was representing. There I was on a lift bus in front of the place. it didn't matter that I had to take pain pills to get through the night as I am on them around the clock anyway and I am quite the functioning high spirit these days.

I just kept remembering those who posted on here to remember that I am still me inside of this hot mess. And my kind access representative told me to stop apologizing for needing this or that and to accept that is what it is all there for. Ok so I view that curb side bus as my crystal carriage to the ball as it gets me to where I am going all the time. Only I feel like I am going to turn into a pumpkin any minute. I am already making trouble by eating on the bus because my companion last night bought some gelato and had to bring it on LOL so there we were eating on the way home breaking the rules but it was ok with the driver. We were the only ones on and had a direct ride home so it was ok. I was so happy last night and I never thought I would go someplace again and have some wine and cheese and sit by a fire looking out at the ocean and discuss things just to do it. I even did sip some wine even on my meds so I was probably bad and I don't even drink but I just wanted to do it. Ok so then I wanted to taste red and then I wanted the white so there were these glasses next to me. My program director was there and he came over and asked who was driving home because there were all these glasses of wine there! LOL which gives a new perspective to my wobbly walk LOL. But it was so fun to be there.

It was also a weird thing to be in rooms with patterned wall paper that constantly looked like it was moving. The hotel is 100 year old thing so the elevator was tiny and had beautiful woodwork. I stood in it and hung on to the railing which was another first. I am really getting around aren't I ? We took pictures with the cell phone which still cracks me up. I would have loved having all this as a teenager. I love it now. And no one asked me anything so I didn't have to say anything about what is wrong with me. I didn't volunteer any info. I was a take it or leave it attituder last night.

I had hoped that by this time it would have all disappeared but then again it feels like a miracle that I was able to get out and do what I did last night. It was all free too so that is why I enjoyed it all the more! I got a scholarship to go to it before I had a stroke and I almost thought I would miss it all. Ok so I did feel like Cinderella on borrowed time last night. And sure enough I am sitting here in my nightgown barely making it on the pain meds and spent the morning in tears and frustration that I am so sore and stiff along with that weird brain nerve pain thingy that never ends. I am reminded that I am not the person who could float down hallways and stairs talking with people easily and I can't even wear shoes yet (what is the deal with the swelling) and I have an overwhelming feeling I don't belong any where. But it didn't matter and I just bulldozed through it because I wanted to be there.

I don't recognize myself in the mirror much and it hurts inside and out all the time but I just want to be getting out places. One of the funnies things of all of this is that I was on the younger side in that room at the conference. I remembered to keep thinking that all of the people in the room will be having some health crisis at some point and I was just the one where it shows now. I just really appreciate what you all have told me and shared here. It is helping. thank you. I am just going to sit with this celebration and look only at the positives because it was a blessing just to be there. I almost missed it. I have to let the negative just go and be in serenity about it all today. I am thankful for the adventure and I hope I can find another one soon,