Do you ever wonder what is happening to your thoughts at this time of the year? I am sure we all suffer from some sort of emotional confusion as we look at the world through the filter of our own problems. So far I do not have a single decoration up, no tree, no tinsel, nothing to show that Christmas is coming. I haven't written in any cards or posted any Christmas letters. It feels as if I am just not emotionally ready. I thought it would improve this year, I've passed the two year anniversary of both Ray and Mum now so I wonder what is holding me back?

I've just been down to my daughter's place. It is always nice to go down and visit with her and her family, they are the ones closest to me now, only four hours away by train. The start of the journey was Sunday, not a good day to travel as there is always work being done on the line so I was 40 minutes late into the station where Shirley picks me up, she and Christopher had waited all that time. The purpose of the timing was so I could attend a couple of Presentations Days, Naomi's on Monday and Christopher's on Tuesday night. It was worth the trip to see them both get awards, Naomi was excited when she found hers had a $50 book voucher with it so she has some serious shopping to do.

I still do not have firm plans for Christmas Day, a friend asked me to lunch, now she is going to a cousin's place and would I like to come too? Will I or won't I? Shirley and co will be here in the late afternoon so I could go and it would stop me moping around here with a long face. It is hard to make decisions based on no particular knowledge of what is going to happen. But I am lucky compared to so many really with only myself to worry about now. I could go to church, come home, eat my weight in prawns and nap all afternoon. That sounds like a good alternative to being sociable.

The party season is in full swing, the only party I really like is on Saturday and I like it because it has dancing. I have become a dancing diva as my Facebook friends will tell you. I did go once to a local Seniors dance but it was New Vogue, a dance mostly to do with waltzing and as I have not got a partner that is not really practical. It is too hard to dance a twelve sequence dance with strangers when you are just learning. However one of the ladies who used to run a dance school is organizing for me to get some video tapes so I can learn some of the more complicated dances at home so maybe by the middle of next year I will be able to do that. Picture me perched on stilettos with a big skirt and big hair to match. Rumba anyone?

This summer is showing signs of being a hot one and we have had chains of thunderstorms marauding up and down the coast for the past week or so. The two I saw from Shirley's verandah were beautiful as the lightning zig zagged and reflected across the Lake and I did get some joy out of the beauty of it all before it came over head and frightened the heck out of her two dogs. They came inside for a while to calm their nerves. I wish I liked storms but I don't really.

No storm on the night I went with her Salvation Army band to a small park in a rundown area to play some Christmas Carols, both of my two grandchildren played with the band this year. Naomi is only a beginner so played about four of the Carols in the program. The bandmaster is glad to have the younger ones coming on. Nothing compares to Carols played by a Brass Band. I sang with the ladies and we would have been better with a few male voices but they were all using their wind to play their instruments. I hope you have bands in your area to add that brassy sound to Christmas.

My book for the train journey was one someone gave me last Christmas, it contains a lot of short stories of peoples experiences. I learned that I am a xenophile, a lover of strangers. I always knew that as as soon as I sit down on a bus seat or in a railway carriage someone starts to talk to me. I have one of those universal faces that says "grandmotherly type" before I even open my mouth. Today's first speaker was a Chinese lady married to an Irishman. She was going to help out at a Palliative Care unit for cancer survivors. She said it could be a sad place but it isn't, there is a lot of laughter there.Next was a man who had to go to a heart doctor. I told him I was just finding my heart again, it seemed to not beat as passionately for a long time and now I can feel the difference. He smiled and said he was glad to hear that.

Now I am home I must get the house brighter and happier looking. I need to put away the winter things, like all my wools and get out some of the prettier summer fabric in cushions and throwovers and get a summer look going. I don't really want to but know I have to. The house needs to look refreshed and festive and inviting to anyone who will call over the Christmas period. There is not usually many that do visit but all must be made to feel welcome here. Also I've got to start on those cards and letter. I tell myself: "Don't think about it, just do it."

There was a little pastoral crisis while I was away so I need to make some phone calls and do a couple of home visits. Then of course there are the home communions and nursing home visits, the times I am rostered to sell tickets in the Lions Club Christmas Stocking, the Lions club meeting etc. There is always plenty to do. If you have the heart for it.