I am sitting here thinking about Life. Not a good idea as the busier I am the happier I am. But I spent all day writing out Christmas cards yesterday and I feel less Christmassy than before I stated. Seems as if it is a waste of time, paper in, paper out, words in, words floating out into space like released party balloons never to be seen again.. I think it is because there is not a good news story here, just the bumbling day by day event that I call my life. I think I am tired of keeping up appearances and that is why this Christmas, the third since Ray died and my first without family close by is the hardest so far.

I can't remember being less enthusiastic about Christmas than I am this year. I will be hosting dinner on Christmas night for my family from the south, Shirley and her family but they will have had a huge lunch at Craig's brother's place so I know they will only want a light meal here. They will be staying a couple of nights though so perhaps the day after Christmas will seem more like Christmas Day for me with family around and a lot of hustle and bustle. Family around does make a big difference to how I feel about life. I was hoping by now I would be content with living on my own but I think that goal is a lot further off than I thought.

The boys I will not see till late summer so I will just phone them with my greetings. My younger son Trevor has been in a bad way since his wife left him four weeks ago and I have been in contact daily as has his sister. He is moving out of the marital home at last into a tiny miners cottage that will be just big enough for himself and his daughter Alice when she is there. At least this will be a fresh start for him and he will have a base again. He had to see out the lease in the other house so it was full of bad memories and contributed to the way he was feeling.

So what will I do on Christmas Day? I will go to church, go to a friend's for lunch, then be home in time to prepare a light dinner. I thought of going just down to the park and having a picnic there but it seems like a lot of effort as they will be here for a couple of days we will have opportunities to do that on Boxing Day. The tree is up, some tinsel draped so there are some decorations and it looks like Granma is celebrating Christmas even if she is not really doing so in her heart.

I have just replied to the cards I have been sent. I know this will mean a lot of post Christmas letters as I will get some on Christmas Eve but I thought I would do it this way so I know how many just send a reply. With Facebook and emails now a lot of people don't send out cards anyway.

I have been busy with the Christmas Stocking ticket selling and church and a lot of side issues. Life is closing down for Christmas in Australia as it always has. I usually read through January but might do some of the small trips I have been putting off. I know the trains will be crowded, the weather hot etc but I need to keep busy. I know that seems to be my theme lately but I know it works for me, less time on my hands, less time to feel how empty my life is and to feel sorry for myself.

Time was I would look around me and find some lonely person to come and share our Christmas Day with, looking further down the track that person may be me with some kind church family offering to have me over for lunch and looking to make sure this old lady from church is enjoying herself. I don't know if that will be good or not. Maybe those I invited over looked happy enough but inside were wondering how long they had to stay before someone would drop them home into the pool of silence in which they were accustomed to live?

Where would I like to be? On a site called Widowed Village where I keep another blog I wrote about that:

http://widowedvillage.org/profiles/blogs/i-wish

It is not meant to be a sad blog, for me it was just a trip down memory lane. I know people think I am doing great and to a certain extent I am taking back my life now but there is still a part of me that is sad and lonely and without direction. I am like a search engine looking for that one small story that will make everything else in my life make sense. Maybe that will happen one day, maybe not.

Merry Christmas everybody and a good outcome for all in 2015.