I am not a great believer in karma as I have my faith but I can see how karma affects our lives. I have been off track for some time. I think it started when I realised that Christmas was going to be far different this year. For some reason that built up some resentment and resentment and bitterness have bad effects on our mental and physical health so I started to feel unwell and basically uneasy. I also listened to some of the wrong voices around me so went away from what I know are core values in my life. Luckily I have people in my life who are wise and they led me back. Hopefully I stay on track now.

We are all signposts for others. We might be one of those signs that say "shop local", "bargains here", this way".These are useful signs that help us every day but still signs that can be ignored or overlooked. We may play a bigger part and hold signs that say: "warning - bush fires ahead" or "bridge under repair" or "detour ahead". I am able to think of a few people in my life like that, but I can switch them off if I want to and I have done in the past. Those signs often look as if they are there to spoil our fun. Who cares if the bridge is under repair if I really want to go that way, why not take a chance and if I take a chance I will get there sooner, won't I?

I am surrounded by good people, some of them are God's people and some of them are good people with the wisdom born of pain. I am lucky to have a few of the latter in my life. I had a phone call from the wife of Ray's older brother. A lot of people have been telling me to get out and live my own life, she did the same but then she gave me some warning words. She said: "I know you are afraid to do this because you are afraid of the consequences." and she is right. I know the moves I make will affect others as well as myself. A new person in my life will not just be a companion but someone who has the right to say and do what they usually do, this will affect the other relationships in my life. A move to a new house will cut off my ties to a lot of other people here, where I have lived on and off since I was 17 and by moving away that will change relationships with local people.

The changes I have made in my life I have made as slowly as I can. I have caught up with a friend from a long time ago and he has made a difference to the way I think. I am now thinking like the person I used to be but with the wisdom I have found in the journey I shared with Ray. I have plenty of courage usually but that seems to have deserted me for now. I want to go out and do things but frankly I am aware of the cost, the cost to myself and to others, so I am wary of change. I had a talk from my son-in-law about how a Christian woman should act as a widow. Oh dear, that sounds almost impossible to achieve and still be me. I take into account that for him it is all theory so how I live out the Bible's teachings in this modern world I do not know. But I will work on taking that into account as much as I am able to. I think he is a sign that says: "Go back, you are going the wrong way."

In our blogs and forums we post and others post comments. I love our Blog Community and how encouraging and supportive they are. For those of you who are reading this and do not have a blog please start one. It doesn't have to be perfect prose or contain words of wisdom or be about traumatic events and full of drama, it can simply be a reflection of where you are today. The great diarists of the world have given us much wisdom and knowledge of times past. I remember there was a diarist who simply listed the foods he ate for meals day by day back in the sixteenth century. Not a great diary you would say? Well it is if you are a culinary expert. It should have been titled "What the doctor ate." and gives us a glimpse of what that class of people had access to. His sign probably would have said: "eat well and you will be well".

It is time to sit down and ask myself: "what sort of sign am I to others?" this will vary depending on my relationship and proximity. For some now I must look as if I am doing well so maybe they see me as a sign that says "new life after death" or "building a new life is easy". Well I can tell them that nothing is easy, that all journeys have hills and heights, valleys and dusty paths that are hard slogging. I am struggling as much now as I was when I had Ray to look after. The difference is that when I was so focused on his problems I didn't have time to worry about my own. Now I do and that is not a good thing. People are right, I do need to get over it and am doing that slowly and carefully as always. This is my life and sure you can give me advice but I need to assimilate and make it part of who I am.

Which brings me to another thing people are saying to me: "this is your life and only you can decide how to live it", my wise sister-in-law said that. She is right, I have to take the reins into my own hands. It is no good blaming anyone else. I did this for years when I had Ray, I often used his illness as an excuse to turn down invitations I didn't want to accept anyway and used things like lack of access for a wheelchair to say where we could and could not go. I am not proud of that. I could have been more resourceful or more direct and told them something that was closer to the truth. I could even have asked for their help. As a result I lost relationships that I valued. People do see through us and appreciate the fact that we are honest in our dealings with them.

Signs, signs, everywhere are signs, as the song says, so in 2015 that is one of my resolutions, to read the signs and if I do not understand them to get some help in interpreting them. My word for the year: "laughter" is coming into my life already. Yesterday I met up with two sisters I am very fond of, I met them through one of the stroke groups I belong to. They saw me sitting talking to one of the male parishioners from my church and as they went by said: "Yahoo, go Sue!". I collapsed in laughter and my friend said: "who was that?". I didn't know the if the long answer would interest him so I said: "Oh just some of the angels God sends into my life". Thanks for reading this angels.