I went on an interview for a field placement for school. I was wearing my suit and I was even in my girlie flats=the ones with suede bow top=elegant but still professional ones. They didn't hurt. Of course I had to be driven there. I got out of the car and walked with the walker up a curb and into their entrance. My vestibular problems are much more difficult when I am nervous. They are harder to deal with outside of my house. I was walking up alone and I was so worried I was going to fall on my face. I went in and notified them and sat down and waited to be called in. I was sitting there and the room was flipping and moving. The pattern on the rug was difficult to look at and was probably setting it all off. But I kept trying to look at something else so I picked up my magazine I had in the walker and focused on that. Usually it helps to look at something up close. Not this time. When I get nervous sometimes it is hard for me to read. I have had that problem when taking tests. My glasses feel useless because I can't seem to focus and the words move. Yes there is a movement going on. I can't sound sane even talking about this. I put down the magazine under my materials I brought and I just sat there deep breathing. I kept telling myself that I look normal on the outside well except for the walker. I decided to bring it instead of the cane because I am steadier on my feet. I am not as good with the cane and I had already been told that a cane could be used as something to hurt someone with. I hadn't thought about that before I mean really, but I figured a walker is harder to pick up and bash someone. I don't know perhaps the excuses are always going to be there. I already called my school disability person and he said that although no one is supposed to discriminate, you and I both know they do. That was his answer. I asked for some suggestions and he said contact the fieldwork people again. Oh and his big idea was to do a phone interview. I asked how was that going to work when I live 5 min away from where I am interviewing. Wouldn't that sound fishy? I decided to just not listen to that and go in person walker and all. They have to know what they are getting and so do I. I don't know if I can really pull any of this off. I have been denied disability twice now so I have to think about employment now too at some point? Oh and the other thing is that I am on narcotics so I wonder if anyone is going to let me do anything anywhere once I get drug tested. Will they say oh yes ok you are legal user so it is ok? Or will they tell me to come back later when I am healed? I am so scared going out into the real world.

I never was one to be terrified of an interview. My big problem was not getting called to interview to the ones I wanted lol! When I interviewed it was usually ok in the end. Anyway now it is all different. There is discrimination and I am told to just keep looking for someone somewhere who isn't bothered by the walker or cane. I am furious I can't go back into my old life because of this and that this is the response I got. And I am furious that indeed I probably am not going to be able to do this and I want to try it so much. I don't know now if it is me or me with walker. Anyway that is package deal now. I manage on my own on campus now and I think that as I become comfortable somewhere and used to it then I won't have so many vestibular problems when I am not emotional. Being calm helps, I even had a hard time riding in the car there. I closed my eyes because I couldn't manage the motion. I worked hard to get out of the wheelchair so I may be more mobile and able to do more things and now it doesn't seem to matter. disabled is disabled. Besides perhaps I am safer in the chair than trying to maneuver unsteady in the world of vestibular problems. I really don't know what to do anymore.

When I asked for suggestions for some disability friendly sites, I was told they can't suggest anything because that would be discrimination =limiting my choice. OK. Then I was told that the sited don't have to take me or give me accommodations and can indeed say to me (as they have) that I am not mobile enough or not safe to have a cane. I love it --one place said there is a lot of walking required here. I said oh good I 'll get lots of exercise. Of course I was thinking how will I manage exactly but I never let on I was worried. I don't know what I am capable of but I guess others certainly do. Welcome to the real world?

It was suggested that I go to some voc rehab thingy by one of my friends, but I said this isn't the same thing because this is for school and I should be able to go to the disability services on the college campus and get some help and direction. I did. And they did. I have to believe that just keep looking is the best advice and thing to do. what else is there? So I called again today saying that I am waiting for the outcome of yesterday's interview but I need to have a back up too just in case because time is running out.

I don't want to sit home doing nothing. I am trying hard to just go back and do a little at a time even not going everyday even. I just want a chance to be back to my life. I am contacting the field placement folks and letting them know my struggle --again. But then again I feel like a fraud because I don't know if I can do this. I guess I just need the opportunity to see if I can. I even need to get a shuttle bus to deliver me there or hitch a ride with someone in the morning. It doesn't look like driving is going to be on the menu any time soon with all this vestibular stuff.

I feel like I am caught in between ==not disabled enough==not able enough. I wonder if anyone has experienced this? I guess I just keep on trying and not give up. But some days I honestly feel like I just want the disability thing to get done (I am waiting for hearing) and just relax and go to PT.

I wonder if there are others like me out there trying to go back to their old life? I could use encouragement. I am so scared and it is so hard watching my life slipping away as I watch it. I wonder if it is worth this stress or would it be easier to not.

Oh I am watching Drop Dead Diva and for those who don't know the series, it is far out there story about a woman ( a pretty model) who dies and is sent back into another woman's body (a plus-size lawyer). So Ok cutesy story about brains vs beauty again but it is more like what it is like to experience life from the other's perspective. then there are lots of episode stories with an ethical dilemma twist. It is kinda corny but the clothes are good! Anyway I am just identifying with the concept that I am in the position of being disabled after being abled. I often feel like I wake up and this isn't the real me and that I am watching my real life die and be taken over by this one instead. Ok and I have some good bags too. But never the less I am watching this woman make the best of her situation and focus on helping others in a way she never thought of doing before. And I am swept away realizing that I have a new consciousness now too and a new way of being in the world == a world not easy to be in now. In this simple chic series, I am enjoying seeing how her friends come to her support and rescue=and only 2 know the real story==so this idea of isolation and suffering alone in silence also hits home. OK so maybe tV shows are not supposed to be therapy moments, but I watch this and I am thinking to myself, so what can I do now with this new life instead of trying to hold onto the old life. I want to be able to incorporate my old one into a new one. I also feel like I have lost so many people because I am not there anymore. I try and not be cynical but often hard to see my way to forgiveness through my tears. I don't know what the plan is for my life now and I often feel it was a mistake my being here now--I know it is opportunity to make the best of it and do something. But not so easy when society only sees my mobility devices and not me. Anyway life so much like art and vice versa.