I went to PT at the oupatient training medical center,state of the art place. The van came and got me at the home and took me there. I didnt ask them here. I made the appointment and went. I was told I couldnt go to outpatient PT because I was in a home and get it here. Well they cut me off after a few days,saying I walk so I dont need it. YES I Walk with a walker in a painful hobble in the dizziness and vertigo. Now I have been confined to this room and this bed. So I had the referral to go to PT at outpatient clinic so I went.

How beautiful to go outside in the van to the rehab center. But I nearly broke down when I saw a patient there with her daughter. But I was too busy determined to be distracted. I save the tears for later.

I got to feel the sun.

It was a long way to walk in the hospital to rehab center. Everyone offers wheelchair. I push to walk. I am slow.an inconvenient to a busy world. But I want to improve endurance but I am exhausted.

The therapist is vestibular specialist. She is delightful to talk to. She understands my existance,my world. She says others must say I am difficult and that I make no sense to them,but that it makes perfect sense according to what is going on in my brain.WOW. I am in a place where she speaks my language and understands my culture. I am flooded with relief,delight,reassurance,comfort. I never want to leave. She does the eval stuff. Left eye nystagmus. Left eye worse than right. New news that. Has right improved? She doesnt have old records to compare. I cant believe that. I express my frustrastion that I arrive before my records and she assures me she will get them. But we go from here. I made 4 more appointments for endurance training,balance and vestibular stuff. I feel Christmas in summer!

But I am not cheered by her talk of hope. She says I am in the middle of the active healing time. Why does it hurt to hope again and some more? What does this talk do to my disability claim? Please stop with this hope thing. She said I dont drive for now,am not in fieldwork for now, cant live alone for now. After over a year, hearing hope is nice because I want a miracle and need something to work towards, grateful for it,but it sounds goofy to me and I want to deal with what is, reality now,This me. But rehab is about hope. When did it slip? In this Home. When I lost my life due to stroke but I didnt die.But I do not exist in here. NONE of the physical therapists walking through the hall,None of the social workers- those two that said the stuff to me.....they dont even look at me,forget a smile,kind word,civil greeting,or a nod. I vanished. Because I am still here. Ironic.

But I am me. I send back the slop and exchange for a PPJ or grilled cheese, insist on a side salad, agree to an 8pm shower because they are busy, compare nail polish at bingo with other ladies, Make my own doc appts,see my own docs specialists and not the one here, and I seem to manage to Make friends with cnas who help me.

So the rollercoaster of hope goes on.