As you all know I do a lot of visiting on behalf of the church and my Lions Club, I also visit people who have gone into nursing homes who have been in other parts of my life. I do it for a lot of reasons, partly I do it because I can. I can visit because of Mum being in a nursing home for so long. I got immune to a lot of what stops other people from visiting. As stroke caregivers and survivors we have learned a lot of different skills, some of which overflow into other parts of our lives. We learn tolerance, we learn compassion and we learn how even a small acknowledgement of how stroke and illness has changed our lifestyle and an affirmation that our day-to-day living is still relevant and worthwhile can make a huge difference in our lives and the way we feel about ourselves. And some of that carries over into my nursing home ministry.

I am not afraid of death, disability or difference. When I walk into the nursing home I know how people will be, I know they will deteriorate over time and a lot of ugly things will happen to them but throughout that process they are still worthwhile human beings. Of course the same thing happens with people in their own home, we just don't see it happening and so we can ignore it. But ignorance is never bliss no matter what how the saying goes. We all need to be prepared for the future and aware that what the future contains is not always how we would like it to be. it is partly because I am a realist that I can do this.

I have been supporting an old friend through the transition into a nursing home from an Assisted Living apartment. Her son who is her main caregiver is also a friend of mine. I try not to be there at the same time as him as I need to be just a friend who drops by to see her. The family closed her apartment down this week and it has been hard on her, it shows in her eyes but she still puts on a smile for them. She has not got to put on a smile for me. She is accepting of the change, knew it would come but it is still hard, all changes are hard at 95. People say silly things like "she has had a good long life" but we all know those platitudes don't mean much to the person having to go through it. Our lives are lived day-by-day and we all live them as bravely as we can and in a way we all need to have others acknowledge just how tough the journey can be.

Sometimes I do get tired of the struggle as I accompany people on their journey. I trained to be a Chaplain, finishing in 1995 and although I have never had a job in which that has been acknowledged or paid for in a way I have done a lot of chaplaincy work. I have done it for the church and in other organisations I have been in, including Lions. Sometimes as you know I do get weary of doing good and I do wonder, in my own times of need, who will be there for me. I know this is a selfish thought but we all have them, us do-gooders. I have to remember I don't do it for that reason, I do it because my life training has enabled me to do it.

On a brighter note my Salvation Army family (my daughter's family) is being moved from four hours south of where I live to an hour's journey north of me. I am sooooo pleased. They of course are devastated as they have lived in Shell Harbour for six years now and have put down deep, deep roots and that is going to be an upheaval on a large scale for them, particularly for the children. But for me it will be wonderful to have family so close again when they have all been so far away from me. Just to have an emergency backup when I need it will be so good. And as it will be just an hours drive to see them it means I will be able to go to special days at the school, to birthday parties etc. The move takes place mid-January so not for a while but it is something to look forward to.

And it is Spring and the days are longer, the nights short and yes, that tired feeling is back as I try to fit too much into one day, my usual mode of operating. I've got to say I do like most parts of my life, there are those parts where I come under other people where I do not always approve of decisions made and there is a lot going to change in my church in the coming year. But there is still an aching gap where Ray used to be. Can't disguise it, can't extinguish it, still have to work around it. I miss him, plain and simple. But I have to go on alone as bravely as I can.

I have got a full month this month and next month is going to be busier especially as I have a week at Broken Hill in the middle of it to support Trevor with the last Family Court sitting for the year. Unhappily his ex-wife has once again refused to negotiate so I don't know what the outcome will be. Anyway it will be good to see him and to spend some time with him and my grand daughter Alice. I love them both heaps. I think in the end it is love that saves us, the love of family, the love of friends and the love of a special person if it comes to that. And with my faith the love of God comes into it too. There is still a missing element in my life but I am grateful for what I have right now.