I went to a funeral today. It was at a crematorium and conducted by a celebrant, there was a graveside service to follow. The lovely lady who died who I called Essie was for a while my mentor for the stroke/dementia journey as she too was on the same journey with her husband. She steadied me when I was about to fly off the rails and her tea and sympathy morning teas helped me so much. Sadly her husband died in 2007 and she only really had three good years as a widow as by 2010 she had been diagnosed with dementia herself and lived for five years in a nursing facility.

I visited once or twice but not for long as she would wander off, so sad that my dear intelligent, lovely friend not longer responded to me as she once had. I did see her on and off in our local shops and had morning tea with her then, just so her daughter could go shopping for her without her wandering off. Although I visit a lot of people now in that period when Ray was so sick himself I somehow couldn't change roles and be her companion as I have been to so many since, just couldn't change roles and get to grips with her dementia much to my shame now.

And so I want to pay a tribute to her and her caring nature. I want to tell you that angels like Essie do die, that they do all that caring for their loved ones and many others for all those years and still get sick themselves. Although they seem so superhuman in their humility and emotional stability and in the help they are able to give, they still have the same frail nature as the rest of us. It is hard on our side to sometimes make the changes that will allow us to support them as they have supported us as I know but if you can do it, do it. Angel caregivers need support too to go on and enjoy the life during the caregiving years and after the caregiver role ends.

At the funeral two of the grandgirls read out a poem by Joann Snow Duncanson called: "Two Mothers Remembered" I Googled it but could not find a link to it. I am going to quote a verse here that really was Essie:

"Then came the time that her mind clouded so

and I sensed that the mother I knew would soon go,

So quickly she changed and turned into the other,

a stranger who dressed in the clothes of my mother."

And that is how I felt about my Mum too as she went on her dementia journey. I felt as if she was another lady in my mother's clothes, someone I could only relate to with a huge effort and I managed to do it for the last eleven years of her journey. And to a lesser degree that is how I feel about the other dear ladies I minister to as part of my role at the Pastoral Care Worker for my church. Yes, I am stronger now and I can handle that now. I can go in and be a companion and laugh and smile and show affection to them, these frail older ladies. I wish I had been able to do that for Essie but the relationship was too close for me to do it and because I was still looking after Ray and supervising Mum's care I didn't seem to be able to overcome that. I guess that is why I cried at her funeral today, for her and for me and the relationship we lost.

And as I looked around the gathering today I knew that many people there were feeling just as I was feeling, guilt that they had not continued the friendship or been the support they would have liked to have been. Essie's late husband was in my Lions Club and so I was there with some of the members. We were there for old time's sake, remembering both her and her husband and the great work they had done in the community, and also what they had meant to us. It is not the way it could have been but it is the way life is.