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Hard to Explain


Abranson

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This is a letter I found that I'm not even sure if I sent to a friend of mine on a writing website.

 

Hey friend,

 

I'm about to type some things and I'm not completely sure why and I definitely don't want to burden you or make you feel awkward but honestly I'm at a loss.

 

Have you ever had something happen in your life that you couldn't talk about to those around you because it was too real with so many layers, but you still needed to get it out? So I tried blogging it, but besides the fact that no one reads blogs it's been too goodnot like talking to someone ...yet, for chicken's sake someone you don't have to worry about coming face to face with.

 

I was just surfing around wdc and your name just kept coming up. I almost went to your humor folder because it is amazing, but laughter isn't what I need now. I need to be honest with someone.

 

A week ago today my 46 year old husband had a stroke. He was alone in our house laying on the floor for six hours. I realized something was wrong when I was over an hour's drive away.

 

That night the doctor didn't expect him to make it. I was numb. You hear the term mind spinning but I don't think most people really understand the feeling.

 

It is a week later, we are in one of the best stroke rehab centers in the state. I have so much to be thankful for. He is alive. Cognition and memory are great. Slight drooping of the mouth on the left side. Numbness in left hand and leg; but he is progressing.

 

During the day, I am his cheerleader and his strength. I am strong in front of others so they aren't afraid and so they won't minimize or try to cure my feelings.

 

At night, like right now, I sit in my bed/chair listening to the only man I've ever felt true love for and listen to him breath. It is my only comfort.

 

Ken, despite my faith and what ever common sense I have I can't get a grip on the cluster of emotions.

 

I'm sad, scared, grateful, mad, hopeful, tired, lonely,flustered, lost, confused, overwhelmed, optimistic, and about 40 more I can't put a finger on.

 

The question in my mind now is not so much why but how. How do I ever leave him again? How do I reassure him when I develop new fears hourly? How long can I remain strong? How is it possible that people are continuing on with life? How many tears can a human possibly have in them? How do I repay the sacrifices and kindness of others? How long can I go without feeling him hold me? How do I deal with this?

 

Sorry to spill my heart out. Feel free to just hit delete. I already do feel better by just verbalizing it well writing it.

 

Love you,

Audra

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I was completely in awed by that.

 

It is some of the similar thoughts survivors have as well.  It showed her raw emotions as survivors, we tend to forget that our loved ones are going through their own spirals.  Thank you for sharing this.

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Please know this.....You are NOT ALONE, my wife feels the same exact way as I was home alone and she had a dental appointment came home to find me passed out upstairs.......

 

She is OK now and you will be OK as well in time....

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Yes Audra, I have felt the same way.  My husband Ray died in 2012, he had a stroke in 1990 (aged 48) then six more between 1999 and 2011, roughly one every two years. That is a lot of being scared, sad, lonely, helpless,frustrated, resentful and your other 40 emotions.  That is why I am still here at three years a widow.  I KNOW how that feels. And for that reason I wan to be supportive of others, like you, who are going through it right now.  (((Hugs)))

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Certainly have heard this from others and felt it my self.... Heck I still spin and it has been going on 5 years. My Dans path has been a bumpy one ending to date in a way I swore would never happen - nursing home. ... He does continue to regain some cognition. But still all the games continue, Dans "new " personality is that - the brain has made him to make every situation become a situation he tries to control, in whatever way he can. Shut the door, even the blinds , turn off the light. I live in fear of him and the sheer exhaustion he causes. And waiting for the other shoe to drop..... From what I read about your husband , his prognosis is pretty good. And no one has a guarantee of anything. try to take care of YOU... keep the spins in check and remember sometimes others who are on the outside of your life looking in may know something or advise something you think will never come to pass. Do take the time and pay heed - burnouts are a baaaaad deal. ....... Nancy

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Wow,  that letter was heartfelt.  I am the one who haded the stroke, and I was very selfish, not thinking about my husband or my Son, daughter, or my young grandkids, who had seem me pass out when I was having TSA.  Yet it was all about me till i came on Strokent and saw that caregivers are a God sent.

 

Bless you, please do remember about You. that is so imporant. 

 

Yvonne

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Audra: this is so new for you and your family and I can only say you need to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. You will get through this and your husband will need your strength and support. But so, for you as well - he may not be able to verbalize it - but you will see it in how he recovers, how hard he works on his therapies, rests when he has to.

 

You are shuffling his recovery right now and managing your home as well. I am sure you are overwhelmed with notes and follow ups. Try to focus on that stuff. When you get home, you get something to eat, kick back for a bit and do try to get some sleep or at least rest.

 

The answers to all your "hows" will come in time, promise. For right now it is just get through the day and rejoice in the positives that you witnessed that day.

 

And I will tell you - you can slide into that bed with him for a bit. Got caught by the nurses doing that myself. Trust me - nothing they haven't seen before and just a few minutes of intimacy - nothing to do with stroke - has to do with loving someone and needing time to remember that you are a couple and need each other. Be well. Debbie

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Thank you for your thoughtful questions, sharing your feelings, and just vocalizing what is in your mind.  I have experienced the same as you.  My questions might be different but surround the same idea so I wanted to let you know your writing has reached others.  I am a believer that the Lord provides for us when we need.  In this I mean that you might have needed to air your thoughts to feel better and in turn you have assisted me.  It has been 8 months since my husband had his stroke.  He is at home now.  Today I felt like I did not have the energy to do all that is required of me.  I spent a lot of the day sleeping.  I am very aware of the avenues I can utilize to help myself and my husband but sometimes I just feel like a different flavor of dessert would be nice.  So, I write.  I don't always post my work but I find it helps me.  With that I will end but just wanted you to know I am with you and I am pretty sure one day we will look back and will have received answers to most of our questions.  Hugs to you!  Penny

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