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Still pondering life


swilkinson

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My English visitors went to Sydney today for five days. It has been so good having company but with the hot weather, warm nights, late nights and running them around I am soooo tired. I think it is time for me to learn to relax more. (If you know me you will know that is an impossibility). My cousin and her cousin's wife will be back on Monday, Des had to fly home to England as he has to go back to work, he is a project engineer so has a new construction job ahead of him. It was odd to have a man around the place, the deeper voice, the different topics of conversation. Ray would have loved that. So sad he is not here.

 

So there is time to tidy up a bit and prepare for the two ladies to come back. Then we will do some day trips, to the wine area, to the next city, to the bush (well further out than the coast). It is great to have visitors as I can show them so much that is beautiful in our region. I am soft pedaling on church work as this is a sort of holiday at home for me. It has been wonderful weather, not too hot, not too windy, so walks on the beach and taking photos has been the order of most days.

 

The cousin's cousin told me something interesting, she said my favourite word is "okay". She is probably right as I am "okay" with what most people do. I probably use "okay" in place of "yes". It is funny to think that other people see in us something we do not see in ourselves. And being told should not be confronting but informative. I know I have quirky little ways, as we all do just hope I am not boring...lol. I have always been verbal so that and creative makes me a natural storyteller so I love company and chat and just going through the process of communicating.

 

I feel I am still in transition. It is hard to make the transition from wife or partner to widow or widower. It is still hard for me to get through the weeks, months and years without the one I loved for so long. As you know I have been out a few times for lunches with someone else but it is nothing the same. It is as if I am in a time warp sometimes. I am over three years out and there are still difficulties I hate to face alone and triggers for tears. I wonder how long it takes to actually feel "single"?

 

We all need people to travel with on our life's journey. That is partly what this site is about. And the Blog Community where we share each others ups and downs and of course the Chat sessions where we can ask questions and get to know people better. If you don't use the chat or blog options ask yourself why? There is a lot of value in pouring out your troubles in a blog even if you never push "publish"and in fact do delete it. It is releasing seeing your thoughts on paper or on the screen. That is the other solution, an off line on paper journal but then do you feel safer writing than typing? Something to think about.

 

I did have a quick trip to take my closest cousin up to my daughter's place. We stayed overnight and we got to spend some time with my grandchildren. It is better now they are closer. I do feel I can call and see them and catch up with their news that way. So I don't feel as isolated as I did. I so miss having that special someone in my life. For me the future is like I have a darkened mirror in my house, I look at it but the surface is black and and unpenetrable. I know I cannot see through that but I peer in anyway. I have to let go of that, just live life one day at a time, get what fun I can get out of each day. But then having no-one to share that with is an old hurt for me.

 

I know I am fearful of change. I know there is a hole in my life. I know I fill that with busyness. If someone can tell me how to live my life better I will give it a go. But for now maybe I will take a nap instead. Lol.

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Sleep is a great escape.

I live reading your blog.

 

The blog community has been my salvation, just to be able to write for a release with people who get it.

Stay strong, all I can do is empathize with you and your loss.

Jay

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Dear Sue,you are a wonderful Active listener!

 

I know Ray would be proud of how you live your life. You are fortunate to have had such a great love even tho it hurts.

 

We all wait to see what is next while we bloom where planted.

Well done.

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My mom always said to me, "Busy hands are happy hands."  Meaning, don't discredit yourself for wanting to be busy.  Somehow when we keep ourselves busy it is like a magic carpet ride through the moments that are the hardest.  I might not be an authority here with regard to living life better but I think if you get up each day then you are living. And that is a better moment. On an extra note just do something to give to yourself...buy yourself a rose, a piece of candy, a new flavor of tea or an eccentric scarf...Something that is fun and you are doing for yourself.  I did these things when after divorce and before I knew it I was defining what I liked and it filled that hole.  And, I often would just buy a good book, curl up in the bed covers and read till I fell asleep.  I hug you Sue...Thanks for sharing.

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So glad you are enjoying your visitors and your summer. You will be ready for some downtime certainly after they leave. Do allow yourself some time off before you jump into your list of activities.

 

Naps are great things.

 

Be well, Debbie

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Sue,  so please that you are enjoying your visitors. It can be tiring, so get your sleep on, it good for you.

 

Good  words  from stroke wife, buying a book, get your hair done, new clothes, something for Sue, you  earn it!

 

Love and Hugs

 

Yvonne

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