I still miss having Ray around. I know I keep busy and I do have a fulfilling life on the whole. Of course sometimes I really miss being part of a couple. It was the way my life was for 44 years. When the two English girls were here I so enjoyed there being someone else in the house, someone to share a meal with for example. I can spend days sitting at home by myself with no-one to talk to and it can be quite lonely and it is easy to feel isolated. But when they were here it was just great just being at home with other people here, sitting down to a meal together, talking over what we had done through the day, it is great for me to have someone else to share the small things of every day life with.
I wasn't looking forward to Easter as four days of public holidays and being alone and out of routine has been a problem the last couple of years but now having my daughter and her family only an hour and a half away is great. I was so pleased when they told me they had decided that after they do the Good Friday service, they will come down to me. They need to go home Saturday night so as to be there to do their Easter Sunday service. How very nice of them. I know it is only a short break for them but for me it is having some company,particularly some time with my two grandchildren, and there will be some laughter in the house.
Having my daughter close by is such a blessing, she is now my emergency back stop. I had to put my next door neighbour on several forms as my emergency contact while she was four hours drive away. I am not sure that he was thrilled but it had to be someone local. You don't realise when you move away from your parents , as Ray and I did, what happens if one is left as a widower or widow with no-one close by to help them make decisions. Ray's mother was widowed in her late 50's but had her younger daughter living at home with her still. Now I feel that a burden has been taken off me with one of my children back within a reasonable distance in case of emergencies.
When I go down to the beach or to one of the parks on a long weekend and see strolling couples, picnicking families etc it always pulls at my heart strings. Ray and I were one of them once, some of them will be like me one day too. I want to feel jealous of them but they too will find what it is like to be alone one day. Now I can leave them to enjoy their time together and walk on. It is three and a half years now since Ray died and I think I am getting my confidence back. It has been a long time coming back. Now I don't necessarily have to actually be with someone, I can do a lot more things by myself. I don't necessarily want to but I can.
I spend a lot of time talking to people, I like to be around people and have added a few activities to my program that give me that opportunity including helping out at church with a morning tea on Fridays that gives an opportunity to young women to drop their kids off at the school opposite the church and come in for a cuppa with us. We started last week and had three Mums come in and later an older woman who stayed until we shut at eleven o'clock. It is hard to know when you start something like this how successful it will be but I'm confident that there is a need for people to have somewhere to get together that is open and friendly and not too expensive so hoping this works as a project.
I did think by now that I would have met someone new in my life, someone who would provide some companionship but I guess I am really still not ready for that. I still talk about Ray all the time I am with other people. All my stories for the 45 years from 1967- 2012 include Ray so how can I speak of my past life without mentioning him? And I think that means I am not ready to include someone else in that space. I have some widowed friends and friends from the other organisations I belong to that I can have coffee with or lunch with, I am very lucky that way. And then there are my friends in cyberspace that I can relate well to so I do have opportunities for some companionship.
I'd like to do more travelling but it is a couples world and when everything is priced twin share that makes it more expensive if you have to pay single supplement without a suitable companion to travel with. I do have friends who say they want to travel but when I make suggestions it seems they are not ready to do it yet, the time is not right etc. I guess that too will resolve itself in time.I was so lucky to have the time with Ann Rogers in Norfolk and maybe she and I can meet together somewhere in the future and do some travelling together. Remember if you are a friend of mine here or on Facebook you are welcome to come and visit me in Australia, I live in a beautiful area and would have much to show you.
I had a long talk to my Alice today, my littlest granddaughter in Broken Hill, she asked me when I was coming to see her again. I always reply: "Soon dearest". It will be May that I next visit them. Another Family Court date. But I know I will have fun being with her and my son. Being with someone I love who loves me...how priceless is that?