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Let your Faith be bigger than your Fear!!


Grannyjudymac72

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Its been a long time since I wrote. Life seemed to be just too busy to sit down and write thoughts and feelings. A lot has happened since I wrote last year. I just went back and read my last blog in March of 2015. A lot has happened and a lot has not changed. Raymonds condition has gotten worse in a way, but his life style is pretty much the same. We stopped acupuncture once it stopped working. His yearly therapy money ran out for a while and we got through the summer, which was hard in a way. He wanted to do things outside that his body couldn't do so I had to do them. He would be angry if things didn't get done, so I did them. I am not a man, but I did a lot of mans work. Until I couldn't and I hired a lawn service which is wonderful. We have five acres and the service takes care of our lawns, our trees, our gardens etc. The fee is not as unreasonable as Raymond thinks, but he doesn't like to spend money. But we now have a yard service. Many people have asked, why don't you move. Raymond loves all of his barns, shops etc. He has many buildings full of his "treasures" including three Corvairs which have been restored for the grandchildren. Even though they are just 8,10 and 12. All of the "things" that hang out in all of his buildings are his soul, so getting rid of anything or moving is out of the question. He cant have a normal life anymore, so I won't take his love of his treasures away from him.
Because he has fallen so many times and because walking has become a huge problem we are in the process of getting him a power chair. It takes a long time to get one through medicare, but hopefully in another month he will be able to get around easier. I have to hold onto him at all times when he walks.
One great thing that has happened to me is I can now "sleep". They found out that I have sleep apnea and I do sleep now with my Cpap machine. Best thing ever! Getting 6-8 hours of continual sleep is a miracle.
Raymond still sleeps most of the time, other than when we have appointments, and I have given up on trying to get him to move more. My sister-in-law said something this morning that never occurred to me. Sleeping is an escape and I never thought of it that way. He still thinks either a doctor or a therapist will "Fix" him and I cant convince him otherwise, so I just let him think that. He thinks someday he will just be better. Is that common?
Well that is pretty much it for me now. I hope this wasn't too long. I hope I can come back to you all and share. Hugs, Judy

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Judy, lovely to have you back.  Yes, I think my Ray thought one day he would wake up and it had all been a dream and i hated watching him slowly deteriorating.  We as caregivers just get through life with our own thoughts about issues and yet have to have great empathy for the one we are caring for..  Just keep on doing what you are doing but remember you need to live life as well, I can tell you, looking back, it is all we have of value.  (((hugs)))

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Thank you Sue. Its really good to be back.  I just finished the past couple of hours out in the garage doing mens work. I am very tired and it was hard work but I feel very accomplished.  I am too old to be doing this stuff, but it needs to be done and I hate asking family all the time.  Yes I know I need a life too. And my daughter is starting to take one day off a week from her job to take her father to his appointment that day to give me a break. Last week was the first time and I stayed in bed all day hahahaha. Thanks again for the comments.

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Judy I am a survivor since May 2014. In the beginning I believed everything would go back to normal enough that I would be normal. That I would heal. Isnt that how it works? I know better now but I have not given up yet that something someone will have a new therapy trick! I feel better hoping than giving in to the horror of reality.

 

To sleep to dream. In color with smells and the touch of my yoi.ng children taken back in time.

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Thank you Betsy for your input. That is why I came back here, to listen to others and what they feel and experience. Listening to both sides of this journey.  Thank you for allowing me thoughts to help in Raymonds journey.  I do need to allow him hope of something other than what I feel.  Raymonds stroke was June of 2014.  Sometimes caregivers get in a rut and you have allowed me thoughts other than mine! Thank you again :)

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I am encouraged by your story ..yes he may not be able to do the things that he was able to do in the past...However there are things that he can do in the present.  What can we achieve today...  In this life we accumulate many things, big and small treasures, but nothing is more important that treasures of the heart.

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