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uncertain times



Sometimes I really wonder what life is all about.  I think I watch too many newscasts on television, there not being a lot of interest to watch in mid-winter here.  In this age bad news travels fast and bad news from all over the world hits our TV screens especially in the late news which I often watch before I go to bed.  Events like the fire in London where so many people died because of bad building materials, local traffic accidents due to wet conditions and constant news of strife and shootings in the Middle East all seem to add to my angst.  I am not really a nervous person but the miscellaenity of killings and the worsening world events seems to impact on my life from time to time.  I have plenty to think about just within my family circle and among the folks I know and my prayer calendar is always full but still what happens in the world impacts on me whether I like it or not.


There is not a lot of good news these days.  As you get older news of babies being expected in the family and more exciting things like engagements and weddings seem to diminish and deaths seem to proliferate.  Of course the fact that I do so many hospital and nursing home visits also impacts as the deterioration in the ones I visit is more noticeable in winter too.  We all get paler and catch small viruses that make us cough and  that makes us appear less healthy. Today we had a celebration lunch at church and I picked up one of the people I visit at hostel level.  M is able to get into my car and so I promised to take her to the lunch.  I think she is deteriorating too although she is under 60 as she mainly associates now with much older people and that is reflected in her limited topics of conversation. We often do become like the people we associate with.  That is one of the reasons I decided to invite her to the lunch today, to help her to catch up with some of her old friends as I thought this might give her something else to think about and a new topic of conversation.


On returning her to her accommodation I decided to visit another lady whose visit I had not done this month.  She was half asleep but one of the nurses woke her up to have her afternoon tea and asked me if I would hold the cup and help her drink it so she (the nurse) could go on and help someone else.  All of a sudden it felt like I was dealing with Mum again and a sadness filled me,  I told myself that what I was doing was just helping someone out and it was not something i should be sad about and the sadness slowly lifted.  To me it was a sign that I am still vulnerable because I have not as yet completed the mourning process  - and maybe I never will.  Perhaps there will always be some things I associate in a negative way with the death of Mum or of Ray. When that happens I have to tell myself it is not the same and just keep on doing what I am doing.


I had another two lunches out last week with some widowed friends who wanted to help me celebrate my birthday.  It is so nice to be made a fuss of.  I really miss my family at special times, particularly the way they used to make an event of special birthdays like the "O" Birthdays. And of course I also miss the excitement and  all the hustle and bustle that visiting family members bring with them.  We did manage to get some of us together last Christmas but that is such a busy time of the year I would prefer them to visit me either for Mother's Day or for my birthday. Of course I can suggest it for next year and see what happens. It is part of the loneliness of being a widow that makes me feel this way I think.  If I still lived in England I would of course have cousins  and other close family members to celebrate with as well.  I do envy people with family living  close by.


On the plus side I had a phone call from my son Trevor and grand daughter Alice from Broken Hill on Saturday morning.  Alice who is five now plays soccer on Saturdays, they do not play a full game just spend a half hour on the field and this Saturday she had the award from the coach for "extraordinary effort" and she announced in a solemn voice that she was "the best in the whole world". Not that she is proud of herself...lol.  It is little things like that that make my life worthwhile. When the other grandchildren were a similar age they lived close by so I could enjoy their little triumphs, attend Grandparent's Day or Education Week events at their schools and feel a part of their lives. Luckily Trevor does keep me up to date with Alice and her doings and I do get to talk to her on the phone for a short time most weeks.  It is such a shame such a distance lies between us. One of my grandsons in Adelaide has a birthday next week and the best I can do is to send money to him in a card when I would much rather be able to give him a present. 


The wet winter weather is getting to me and I know I will be glad when we pass the Winter Solstice and the days start to slowly get longer again. The wet weather is also isolating and we had a poor church attendance today as some of the members are sick with the viruses that are going around.  I sometimes give them a ring after a week or two to make sure they are okay.  One funeral next week, someone I don't know well and I will see if going to the funeral fits in with the other things I have to do.  I can't do everything.  I think sometimes when I reread a blog like this it sounds as if I lead a sad life but I don't , there is always fun and laughter at the functions I attend especially Friday Coffee Morning as we have the Playtime kids there and those little folk always keep me amused with their vitality and their childish charm. And the Friday Soup and Roll lunch with a few new and  different people in attendance means different conversations and I enjoyed that very much too.


I know others locally must also feel the same loneliness and isolation that I feel some times so in a way that makes it seem ordinary and commonplace and just something I have to learn to overcome. We all have to be grown ups and endure what cannot be changed.  I am lucky I have good basic accommodation, the car to go out in, and that is how I have go on to build companionship into my life. Counting my blessing rather than looking at what I have lost or what might have been.








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