• entries
  • comments
  • views

Fear Chaos Corona - 2020 (I bet I remember this forever)



What can I say... So far 2020 has been earth shaking. Let me warn you before reading: these are my thoughts, my experiences, my worries and where I find my mind these days. This is not meant to add to the fear and chaos or to bring a negative light toward anyone. My words come from me and if you are sensitive to hearing someone's honest, transparent and straightforward thoughts then this may not be for you. 


I try to remember January. I don't remember what day I heard the news of a novel virus that shut down a large metropolitan city in China. I did ponder the fact but honestly not for long. I had been dealing with my own health issues and problems with illness (more than 1) that has been flaring my asthma. I think I have taken 3 steroid packs since the beginning of the year. 


In February, I began to hear more and more about the novel virus now known as the 2019 novel Corona virus and now more the more familiar (name and possible illness) Covid-19 and

SARS-CoV-2. I started to see signs of other countries developing cases and watched the worry of everyone about the virus spread and travel (on planes and those who had been to China). I still didn't feel immanent fear but some time during February this started to affect me more. 


Then a F3 tornado slammed through Nashville. It was completely shocking and thankfully I now live about 45 minutes south. This tornado had torn through my old stomping grounds, within 1/4 mile from my previous home, ripping through the area I went to often for my groceries and many of the roads I took on a daily basis. I think maybe a week went by and then Nashville had its 1st case/s of Covid. Very close to home and where all of my Dr's are. 


On March 6th I went to my local walk in clinic because I knew I was sick. Flu test, strep test and exam. Tests are negative and I was sent home with a steroid pack and told to use my nebulizer 4x/day for my asthma. Not feeling better I went to my PCP on Monday the 9th. No truly bad symptoms so I was told to continue with my steroid pak and nebulizer treatments. 2 days later I am much worse, heavy persistent cough, headache, sore throat, fever, etc. My PCP said come in and I went to his office in Brentwood. I thought I was to see my Dr. but instead saw a NP who gave me another round of tests for flu and strep. This visit was different than usual... I was immediately isolated and given a mask and everyone that saw me was fully dressed with PPE. I was also given a virus panel test (not Covid test) and a chest x-ray. I was sent home with the same course of treatment and told to self quarantine until I was called with my results. A week later I was told I only had a regular cold virus but it would be best if I continued to self isolate due to being hi risk for serious illness if I developed Covid. 


So I hunkered down, stayed at home. Thankfully I had the where with all to go to Costco and Target for things I would need to not run out with. I actually got 1 of the last 4 Kirkland paper towels and the only toilet tissue left was a name brand (im cheap lol I use Kirkland), I got a 5 pack of Lysol wipes, eggs, milk, and a few other necessities. BTW Costco looked like a war zone. I just happened to get there about a day before all he** broke loose. I did find a large pack of toilet paper from Target. The next day every shelf in every store I went to was bare (necessities). I ran out of toilet paper yesterday thankfully I have a pack of baby wipes (don't flush these!). I did manage to get a large bag of Always descreet pads (totally am having leaks with every cough). 


The next week I am no better, my nebulizer is mostly not helping and now I have new symptoms a horrible taste in my mouth every time I cough and a cough headache that is sharply painful with pressure at each temple and across my entire head. I feel this acute pain with every cough and a general headache while not coughing. So I called my PCP office. At the same time my phone starts doing this weird thing of not ringing when the Dr. calls but going directly to voice mail. So for about a week of trying to contact someone, anyone I was losing and just getting sicker. Finally, today the nurse used a phone from another office to call me after I frantically had explained my issues sick and dumb phone to a very nice lady involved in deciding if you need a covid test. She and her colleagues had all agreed that it doesn't sound like I need a test but needed immediate attention for what I was going through and she contacted my Dr office with an urgent message. Seems like my neb med was not what I should have been using. She sent the stronger prescription today. Let's see how it goes. 


I've been watching the updates to this pandemic daily. I know I am "high risk" (asthma, high blood pressure, diabetes, and just that I have had a stroke). I sit and watch as stores close, schools close, supplies become scarce, other cities desperate for help and supplies. I feel like doom is coming and I have 0 ability to control it. I also watch political leaders in my own country (including the president) squabble and stumble to be the one with the "right" message for American citizens. My question is where do politics even fit into this reality. It sickens me and I do not feel positive or safe about any of their attempts to "lead". We are being told "We are all in this together" but I just don't feel it. I feel like the truth of this "thing" is teetering and could fall at any time and we have no idea what that means. 


So I am trying to rest and feel better, use my new neb med and watch all the Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, Disney+ and whatever else I can find to keep my mind busy. I'm looking forward to hopefully feeling better soon and feeling like doing projects around the house. I want to plan more "normal" activities and take this time at home to make improvements. To feel active, to be able to enjoy the birds at my bird feeder, watch flowers do their colorful dance and make projects happen around the house inside or out that I have been wanting to do for a while. 


I pray for everyone's safety and please take care of yourselves. 


Recommended Comments

Tracy, this virus is a scary one and I can see with all you are going through right now you feel you are not able to control your life which is also scary. Each of us probably have some of the feelings you do. I have just had the partial thyroid operation, developed a leaky blood vessel where the half removed used to be and had four days in hospital. I went to see the surgeon yesterday and he said it is nothing new and will resolve itself in 4-6 weeks. I am - whatever- rolling my eyes and shrugging my shoulders. I know you need a hug so am sending you one from the recommended social exclusion zone plus a few thousand sea miles. (((         Hug.      ))).

Link to comment

Sue things out of our hands so to say are a real anxiety monster. I have worked very hard for the past 5 years to rise above this. For the most part I have... Sometimes my frustration and fear comes from what other people are doing. I have to remind myself that I have 0 control over the actions or I actions of others too. Then I read something that wraps me up in a safe place... The Serenity Prayer. I'm going to do what I should be doing and the rest I'm giving to God. Thank you for listening and the appropriate distance hug. I needed that. ❤️

Link to comment

Tracy, hang in there, that is all any of us can do. I find my emotions are up and down at present and know that is because my social life is non-existent and while I seem outwardly a strong and independent person I rely on friends to keep me engaged with life. It seems like that is not going to happen for the next few weeks. I guess it is time for me to slip on the cheerleader dress and remember that others are in the same situation and go into my cheer up routine, even if it is just to cheer ME up . We have better days ahead of us.

Link to comment

That made me smile lol. Literally, my cheerleader skirt is in my 2nd bedroom from more than 30 years ago (OK I probably can only get it on one thigh lol). In all seriousness, I very much understand your message. I am all for doing what I can to lift my spirit and hopefully that is infectious but not viral. 😉

Link to comment

Tracy :


I know it feels very scary with al this uncertainty & not having any control over it feels disturbing. because of social distancing we have started weekly family zoom video conference call, yesterday was our first attempt at chaos family conference call lol.  my sister & I we both were saying nowadays every time you hear the news or hear someone coughing you start feeling pain in your throat  & feel like you are coming down with cold or something. sister in India has started cooking more  since she can't go out for her retail therapy anymore & her cooks  & other helpers r gone, so she has started cooking more  & found her outlet, she jokes what her husband couldn't achieve for so many years corona did it in few weeks, all her daughters & her all r busy inside home spending time with their family now. 


anyway i was telling you all his funny family stories just to divert your mind. I find serenity prayers & good books are best resources for me when i feel out of control of sort.  & another thing I have noticed in my mind about my life whenever I am stressed about anything in my life, help always comes  through somewhere, so now I don't worry about anything. I just leave my worries in God who has carried me through last 50 years will carry me forward & I will just do my  job of enjoying my today now by making good choices in life for today. rest i will let God to worry about it




Link to comment

It is scary because , as Asha said, we aren't in control. We are often out of self control when we get sick but this is another type of animal for we can't see it and sometimes it is ' flu like' and others it's knock out cold. We never thought that getting sick could be as dangerous, or at least I did. We can only take precautions and not become neurotic. I know I have reevaluated my daily practices but staying away from others is the best course of action. Until I have to go back to work, granted two days only, and be around people.  🙂

Link to comment

One of those situations where fake it til you make it applies. We are all scared and a bit anxious but that means we need to create a new routine and get on with it.  Serenity prayer certainly applies, let go of what you can't control, be positive and healthy otherwise. My office went to lockdown 3 weeks ago now, before the government restrictions meant we had to. So we are all full time work from home except for a handful of people who are dealing with logistics and physical product.  So far my hospital therapy continues as normal other than 20 questions on arrival and extra hand washing/sanitising on arrival and departure.  Our Doctors are doing tele-health appointments where ever possible. My gym and yoga have gone to virtual/video based at home. I have just got back from an appointment with my physio, who is also still able to see patients, and he has given me some extra pointers and equipment for home exercise. as well as reminding me that while working from home long term like this I need to get up and go outside to have a proper walk every day.


I guess what I'm saying is take care of yourself, stay away from others as much as possible and where you have to be in physical contact with other people and the places they have been act sensibly. This thing is scary but it doesn't have to be the end of the world either.  Watch your self talk, get your vaccine as soon as you can and in the meantime live a healthy life, and keep a positive mindset.

((  HUGS  ))


Link to comment

Thanks for all the positive comments and comradery. I've made some short term goals: get this cold kicked and my asthma under control (I need to be as healthy as I can be if Covid ever knocks on my door)... Catch up on my housework as I feel better (I haven't been able to keep on top of it-trying to rest a lot too)... Continue clearing my chain link fence and the areas in front of it of brush, vines, trash, roof tiles?, and cutting all stumps to ground level with my loppers (just doing a bit at a time). Staying home is very agreeable with me. It is easier than dealing with people (weird but true). So I am trying to persist at what fills up my happy glass. I know this will be much easier once I'm all well. It's always good for me to create focus... Make goals/projects and to split these into steps. Feels good to check off a step. 🙂

Link to comment

Absolutely Tracy, baby steps and a little bit at time will eat the elephant. Do the jobs in little bits as you feel up to it and remember those little jobs and bits of jobs still add up to a whole job and a healthier you.  Cook real food, eat healthy stuff (fruit and veg as much as possible), do some light exercise ( e.g. dust and vaccuum) keep a positive mind and know we will get through this.

Link to comment

Oh Tracy, my gorgeous friend...

I wish I could be there to give you cups of tea and buy loo paper...

I hope today is a better day for you.


I used to think our prime minister would be your president's prison...girlfriend. He was not great during the bushfires. 

But over this, I really think scomo has come into his own, and doing a good job.


I do worry about people's mental health though.


Take care Tracy. Love you.


Link to comment

Janelle, you have given me a dose of the most perfect medicine. I am still laughing. 😂


To update one thing well two.... I had a covid test on Tuesday (been sick for over a month) and they just called. It is negative!! 😊 Second, I DIY made my own tushy wipes and they work wonderfully. Paper towel is easier to find so I have enough to dry lol. Of course no flushing but I feel as clean as a whistle! 😁


Janelle, you are a gem. ❤️ you! 

Link to comment
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.