Sue, my wife is my caregiver, I ruffle her feathers everyday. I get on her last nerve, but My mind is positive, my body is not. I tend to be not doing so good these days. Physically, seems like down hill is my direction of travel. I can only assume Ray is experiencing something along the same lines in being a bit slower these days.

I hope it comes and goes and it leaves me pretty soon, I'm very tired of this feeling. Anyway, Sandy said, "for her", she uses the acceptance prayer and it works for her. I agreed it works for me as well. I implied to you, with your faith, it may be the way to consider going, in order to keep from putting undue pressure on yourself trying to accomplish different task/chores for Ray.

Based on my body functions or lack of, I tried to feel what you may be facing from a caregiver standpoint with Ray from what your topic was asking. Ofcourse, you have the other situations facing you too, like your mum and the kids. No doubt your plate is full. My wife is about the same with displaced family scattered all across the US, lost a dad, and my condition is slipping slowly.

So, with that said, I pray it has some comfort so as not to cause any ruffled feathers. We don't always know what the other person is going thru, but we try to offer our support in accepting the challenge with what we face along the same highway to happiness for the same cause.

Hi Sue, I also talked about acceptance.. and with that it doesn't mean that I have given up hope. I still try to improve, challenge myself and move forward in recovery. You have many things going on and always trying to be the STRONG one is a very Rough Job..

If you can talk to your sister and tell her it is very important to you to have her help for a few hours, so you can visit your mom or do a few errands. Is there a trusted church member that would come visit with Ray so you could get out? I think this time is very important to you and I hope you find a soultion.

Best wishes and

(hugs) Bonnie

Sue,

When I read your topic on the board, I thought you were refering to another caregiver thread where someone had just gotten mad over the advice given because it wasn't what they wanted to hear. I didn't think your post was about you at all. So, I too, was a little surprised by the acceptance replies you got. But then when I thought about it, I did see where the Serenity Prayer actually does fit for both that other caregiver thread and for your post...knowing what we (as caregivers) can change and what we cannot change and being able to tell the difference. The problem is that depression and guilt often goes with it no matter what we do. If we find acceptance then "are we doing enough?" If we don't find acceptance then are "we pushing too much?" Damned if we do and damned if we don't.

I'm really sorry to hear your sister is no longer helping.

Jean

Thanks friends for the posts. I do try to accept but sometimes it is a battle to come to terms with changes and challenges and I do feel angry, upset, uncomfortable and just plain MAD with life. Not necessarily with Ray but with him sometimes too.

For carers like me whose loved one has had multiple strokes it seems as if you just reach acceptance and the ground opens up under your feet once more. I want to be able to plan ahead just a little way, do some more travelling, dine out with friends, have some 50+ FUN!!! But it isn't easy to do given Ray's limitations.

I guess I'll just see what life brings.

Cheers, Sue.

Sue, that's what I was saying about my wife, with my condition, it slows her down. She is 53, had to travel back and forth to New Orleans without me tagging along in the way trying to find her dads body and get her mother settled down.

I can't tell you the last time (we) been out to any place together. I had one stroke, a couple TIAs and my going is real limited now days. I insist she get out, be with friends, play card games, eat out, go to the casinos or do something she want to do.

Thats why I said Ray and my conditions are probably real close. I know she loves me still, but she needs time after 2 years to care for herself some and do things without me creeping along.

I guess we'll see what life brings for all of us. Take it easy.

sue, as i said on the board yesterday (i was out all day and didn't get back until 11:30 PM NY time), acceptance is not acquiescence, and powerlessness is not helplessness. for me, i have to be aware of where i am and fully accept it before i can take any action to change it, or not change it.

for example:

1) i had to fully accept that John's family would always be a racist, sexist, ignorant, bunch of idiots who would never accept me and never dialogue with me before i took the action of cutting them off;

2) i had to fully accept that my mom would never understand what aphasia was and that my dad couldn't tell her that he didn't like her yelling because he was aphasic and not because he wanted her to yell at his aides before i took the action of always explaining to her, quietly, that she could not understand what it was like to have aphasia, no matter how much she yelled at me, becaquse my dad appreciated it.

sometimes, when the only way of communicating that is available is on the internet, things are misunderstood. i'm sorry that you felt misunderstood, that your mum is failing, and that your sister, for now, is not helping you.

sandy