Kristen,

Is it possible that your father-in-law told Patrick of the cancellation thinking he'd tell you when came home from work? This happens all the time in this house with people telling Don something on the phone and expecting him to be able to repeat to me...if he even remembered. It frustrates me to no end that they can't remember that he has aphasia and apraxia and can't repeat conversations back! BUT we live with it every day and others don't so they DO forget these simple things that can really screw up our days.

Your father-in-law didn't mean any harm, I'm sure. Sometimes these annoyances are just what you have to put up with in order to get the help you need when you can't be two places at one time. In the grand scheme of things this situation is an royal annoyance, not it's a disaster to loss a lot of sleep over. i.e. it's a one day vent event.

Jean

Thanks Jean,

I know that his dad was not malicious in his intent in any way, which is why I will keep my annoyance to myself.

I don't even think he told Patrick the meeting had been canceled, as he assumed, I am sure, that the school had called me or would call me. I can't really blame him for not giving me a message that was not his responsibility to tell me in the first place.

What has irritated me, is that after knowing about us going to the school for a month or so (we are only now getting started, and this Thurs. is his first REAL appointment due to our first trip being an just evaluation), he has went directly to the source for his questions.

It makes me feel like he doesn't want my input or to discuss the situation with me at all. He has not called me yet and said, "Hey Kristen, this is what I've found out! What do you think!" or anything like that. I feel like I am being set-up for ambush, like he's got to have all the knowledge and then bombard me with things I can not possibly answer, because Patrick and I have not gotten to that point yet. I am a "follow the course set before you" kinda girl. He is a "gotta know everything right now" man.

I can't put into words the "whys" of why this bothers me, but it does. I guess it's because I feel like I am now out of the loop with my own husband, and if he has to "know right now", then he should share what he learns with me, too.

I will let it go, and I will never tell him it urked me.

Kristen

Kristin

is there a way that you can tell your father-in-law about these concerns in a gentle, non-threatening way without being angry? maybe it would open up a dialogue between the two of you and help you to feel less angry and frustrated.

sandy

Kristen,

I have been dealing with this very same thing lately with Lisa's parents. It has taken me some time to not see it as "butting in". It's like they show interest out of the blue. And, what her mom thinks is helping isn't really help at all. I know, it gets frustrating.

The way I look at it now is, and I could be wrong, them "helping" lisa is a way to make them feel better about the situation. It is for their peace of mind, like they have contributed. They won't ask what I need or what Lisa might need, but they did something and that is good enough for them. I also think that her parents might be afraid to ask me what really needs to be done. Maybe Patrick's father feels the same way.

I'm sorry to rant in your Blog. I hope it helps.

Butch

Butch,

I think your logic makes a lot of sense. ....And it's not "ranting" in Kristen's blog. We all learn from how each of us handles stuff like this. I also sometimes think that others view the survivor as the same adult they were before the stroke and that it isn't necessary to get the spouse's "permission" so to speak to give them of help as they see fit. In other words we see ourselves as caregiver/survivor and they still see us has husband/wife.

Kristen,

I agree with Sandy that's it's worth a try to gently bring the topic out in the open. Maybe you can be the one to initate calls after your father-in-law takes Patrick to a class and ask for a de-briefing. I always have to remind myself that the phone lines run both directions when I start to feeling like "no one ever calls."

Jean

Kristen:

In my case when I was still in acute care, my family will always dicuss everything&my hubby would make decisions after telling me all pros&cons. though afterwards when situation wasn't acute anymore he was my caregiver, now I keep him in loop, I think it will be alright with his parents if you nicely tell them, could you please keep me in loop. I agree with Butch I m sure my mom would have butted in if she knew any english, though she kept on blaming me & doctors for my stroke.

anyway I know you already know they don't mean any malice, they r just trying to help, you can always tell them in very nice way that you would appreciate if they keep you informed about aeverything about patrick

Asha