HOPE
Entry posted by Guest
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It isn't quite 8 a.m. and I haven't finished my first cup of coffee and I'm out of sugar and had to use Splenda. Ah well such is life some mornings..... I was wandering in the older entries of blogs and read one by Givincare about reaching goals. It distinctly reminded me of a time on my journey to acceptance where the question begged to be answered. "When does having huge amounts of hope, turn out to really be denial in disguise"? As many know, hope can be a persuasive thing, it seduces one into a passive state of mind.
I used to sit and wonder if I had such blind faith in hope and my recovery, was I really trying to accept in realistic terms how different I was? Cause back then I had blind faith in myself that I would recover but I also hedged my bets and set realistic goals, I never strived for 100 percent recovery. I knew the odds weren't good. I said if I got 100 percent back that would be a bonus to the whole deal. But I wasn't setting myself up for a lifetime of beating myself up. Nah, I knew better. So I had blind faith in hope. But if I wondered I have this blind faith in something that was as yet undefined and completely understood by me, wasn't it really just denial? Putting off dealing with the harsh realities of stroke recovery? I drove myself in circles with that question. In fact I am having a hard time writing about it.( this morning, it must be the Splenda)
Now, I hope that no one replies and brings God into this cause God had no part in my acceptance journey and God isn't going to be given credit for the easy part. Can any one answer when hope morphs into false hope and therefore becomes denial? Is the line between them much more distinctive for some then for others? I know to have one I had to have parts of the others. It was like a having an equal parts cocktail.
Alright my thoughts are already in shambles, seems the tracking problem and word retrieval problem is rearing their ugly little heads. I forgot what I was trying to say or the point I wanted to make. Can't even remember why I wanted to write about this in the first place, the trail has grown cold of why I thought it was important. 
I know I found hope was an important ingredient in my recovery. But I guess one may have to get philosphical and ask "what is hope" and then ask "what is false hope"? I guess knowing the difference between the two would be helpful, so denial ( which isn't just a river in Eygpt) can be fought off. To me that is a dead end trail that just saps your energy and wastes your time. I found it was a tightrope to walk and being my balance is shot, not an easy feat.
Sorry, I wasted your time reading this, I cannot get myself back on track, I may just delete the whole entry. I think the PMS Barbie has gone bad and I should go back to bed and start over today.
Pam
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