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My Grief!

kkholt

Entry posted by kkholt

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My husband is a walking reminder of grief for my old life! As we move through this process, trying to resolve things, we often says "I want the stroke to go away". On my way to getting there - I'm finding this to be one of the hardest situations in my life ever. I've lost a sibling, lost my mom to a terminal illness four years ago, recently lost my dad to a sudden accident..... and the grief associated with my husbands stroke is no comparison to any previous grief I have embraced. It's not even close. As I examine this, it comes to mind that every time I see him limping around the house; look at things undone that he used to take care of and that are now my responsibility; the challenge of dealing with an adolescent has become primarily my concern.... these are all constant reminders of the loss and changes in our lives. I struggle with a new life where my husband can no longer protect me physically, something that I dearly valued. He was tall, strong, and a big presence. He now struggles not to fall and take care of himself. I can't change the hand that was dealt me, I can only change my response to it. I've never in my life ever wanted to run away more than I do now. I'm an avoider by nature - I can avoid dealing with my feelings about my parents deaths.... The stroke situation I can't avoid - and it's really weighing pretty heavy on me. I'm going to go get some help.

 

I can't help but think of an analogy that makes me smile. We have always owned working dogs (retrievers and bird dogs). Teaching a dog to "hold" a bird in their mouth is a challenge. You can't have them dropping it, or chewing it. They must be taught to hold the bird until you ask for it. The training starts with a dowl or stick or something that you put in their mouth, use your hands to close their mouth around the dowl, and tell them to hold. As soon as you take your hand a way, they always drop the dowl. This goes back and forth, back and forth.... until the dog accepts that nothing is going to change for them, and they have to hold the dowl until you ask for it. It's funny thinking about the dog continue to spit out the dowl and the trainer puts it back in... over and over and over again.

 

That is kind of how I feel in regards to the stroke. I spit it out, go about my day, and very soon run into a situation that shoves the stroke back in my mouth..... over and over and over.

 

 

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swilkinson

Learning to deal with life is a pain. Seems to go on and on, same ol, same ol. BUT there are subtle changes, a lesson here and there is being learned. Like the dog you will one day look around and training days are over.

 

I still mourn what might have been. Seven years today since the first of Ray's major strokes changed our lives so radically. It hasn't been the best day (see my blog) but tomorrow still holds a lot of promise. So on we go.

 

Thinking of you both, Sue.

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bazane

I can relate to what you have posted so much as I guess everyone here does, I miss my hasband so much it is so hard to see him limping around & I miss his sense of humour as he hasn't got much of one now & I can't joke with him like we used too.

It is the worst thing I have ever had to do & I feel bad as he is far worse off than me but I can't let him see it & that is the worse thing trying to make out that everything is ok which it isn't

I think we miss the protectiveness more that anything as that was what we relied on so much & thought we would have for ever, but I guess it will get easier I never thought I would cope as well as I have but we do... Anne

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azrabbit

You have put into words what I have been feeling since my husband's stroke. I went online last night because I was so lonely and thank God there were some survivors in the chat room. They helped me get out of my funk, but I still left feeling guilty for wanting more from our lives.

 

Sunday was so hard. We used to have lazy mornings, hubby would bring me coffee in bed, we would read the paper, talk about our week, books ...whatever. Now we get up when he needs to get up to go to the bathroom, I make the coffee, help him dress, fix breakfast, then get myself cleaned up and dressed. I wanted to sit down and read the paper but by then, he was ready to start pointing out all the things that needed done around the house. I miss him so much.

 

When do you stop grieving? I have faced loss in my life before also, but this feeling of emptyness just won't go away. Thanks for letting me tag onto your blog... :juggle:

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Guest

I also agree with your feelings/ I miss my hubsand so darn much. I am not working,I had to leave job.

Everyday I think WHY? We have only been married 6 years in Sept. I feel guilty about even having certain thoughts. I get so down. I was a in the medica field and after 9 years I changes profession.

 

Joe's had a stroke during surgery to remove a brain tumor. He is doing well.

 

After reading everyone's comments, My feelings and thoughts are normal. I sometimes think I am being selfish to even think about me.

 

Is there a time that everyone goes into the chat?

 

Thank you

Gail

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