I had a nightmare last night like none I have had in a long time.

I was standing before my dissertation committee in my final defense for my Ph.D. and while my committee members were discussing a few topics amongst themselves, I had another stroke. This one was severe. My face was paralyzed and my whole left side went out. As I was laying on the floor of the conference room, I kept trying to say "call 911" but it came out distorted thanks to the paralysis and no one heard me or noticed that I had fallen. I felt so extremely scared, vulnerable (reoccurring feeling for me since my stroke), and upset at my committee ignoring me.

I told my major advisor about my dream and, thankfully, we laughed about it. There are no words to describe how lucky and happy I feel with having him as my advisor. He is understanding, intelligent, compassionate (sometimes to a fault...), and everything that my two other advisors weren't. :big_grin:

My hubby and I rode our bikes to my work on Sunday to assess my ability to handle it. (This is where Reality rears its ugly head) It was about 5-6 miles each way and, amazingly, with a headwind the whole time (now I feel like my grandpa who walked to school uphill both ways!). I fell once and was sweaty and pooped out. I need some practice before this is something I can do on my own. I was a little frustrated with my inability to accomplish this. It is something I used to be able to do on a daily basis...BAH on me!

Like many other stroke survivors, the only 'normal' person that I can compare myself to is my 'prestroke' self and I consistently fail in the comparison. I don't have the energy, zip, drive, grace (although my husband will say I didn't have grace before!) or feeling of what I used to be. I totally and completely realize that I am creating a new me, I just don't really like the new me so much right now. I will give it more time (7 months today).