Well, we finally made it. The move is over, the miles behind us, and a new frontier lays ahead.

It seems many of us here on Strokenet are making changes in our personal lives. I would call this, "The Summer of Change". For me, the location of where we live is the smallest of the changes I want to make this year. The real change I want to make, IS me.

I have been thinking for quite some time about my personality traits, or "character flaws" and there are some things I really want to overcome. I want to be more "myself" in social situations, and in general, make more connections with people and be less self-absorbed.

I can look at my childhood and realise why I am the way I am today. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. The real challange is to know the "whys" and actually DO something different. It's not accepting the excuses, and its making yourself step out of your comfort zone. My comfort zone is near isolation. Only close family or an old friend or two know ME (in real time, I should say).

I don't want to live here like I did in Illinois and have no friends. I will not let the excuse of my work schedule and home life allow me to be here in isolation anymore. I do have an advantage here of having family, including a SIL who maybe I can do "girl things" with, maybe even latch on to a few of her friends- LOL.

My desire though, is not really about "doing lunch" or whatever it is that friends do together. It's not even the desire for outside companionship. Let's face it, if my comfort zone is when I am alone, then you can guess that hanging out is not a huge priority. I want to be comfortable when I am in a situation with strangers or near strangers, that I will speak up and BE PART OF THE MOMENT. I am tired of being the one who blends in to the background, afraid someone will say something to me, and me having nothing to say back.

I want to have the confidence in myself to know that I can carry on a conversation with someone, and be able to....CARRY A CONVERSATION!! I don't know how else to put it! It's like, I can be listening to someone and be interested in what they are saying, but somehow I can't find an intelligent question to ask to keep the conversation flowing! Or, I may have a question or thought on the topic, but there are all these little buffers and censors that go off in my head that keep me from saying much at all.

And because all these censors keep me from asking questions or commenting about someone else, then all that is left to talk about is ME, or MY experience with it, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I already know ME!!! Ugh.

I find it hard to just empathize AND SHOW my caring. I always know it is there, but how do they if I can't find the words to say it? The warm, fuzzy, nurturing type has never been me, and that I don't expect to change. I would, however, like to leave behind the illusion of a thick skin. I would like to put my emotions and thoughts more on the line. I need to stop being afraid of getting hurt, and stop being afraid of hurting. I will be hurt by someone again. It's a fact of life. I will make a fool of myself. Another fact of life. I need to take down the barriers that keep everyone out, so that I can start experiencing the joys of life that come with taking chances.

Kristen