This has been another week of getting used to what will happen when Ray changes over to insulin. I know a few people are dealing with insulin dependent survivors right now and probably wonder what I am making a fuss about. But for me it is a big deal. I know it will be for Ray too but I will be the one testing his sugar and working out the dosage and giving him the insulin. And to me, with no nursing background, it does seem like a big responsibility. So I am finding out as much as I can about how to balance his blood sugar better and make sure that I know just what I am in for.

We went to the doctor again today, that is our fourth time in three weeks. He is trying an experimental drug on Ray that is supposed to boost the effect of the other two diabetic meds he is on. It may take up to four weeks for the effects to show up though and this is only the end of the first fortnight and it has failed to improve it more than single numbers so far. We have to go back again in a fortnight, get a blood test in ten days and go back with the results of that. It seems such a slow and drawn out process but I think the doctor is waiting until he thinks Ray is used to the idea before making changes. He did change one med this week and said he will change another in a fortnight according with what the kidney specialist wanted, but is only willing at this stage to change those two medications.

I made an appointment today to see a dietician as I want to even out the effect of food on Ray's daily cycle. The Low GI diet is pretty well established here and she is going to help me through a process she called partnering where I will decide to put foods in groups to make it easier for me to work on menus. If I know I can serve mashed potatoes as long as I also have sweet potato and sweet corn on the same menu it makes it easier to find a quick meal. I know a lot of diabetics don't eat well and this aggravates their health problems, so I don't want to fall into that trap with Ray.

As a caregiver I find the thought of so much responsibility scary sometimes. It is like being the mother of a new born in some ways. Everything the baby needs the mother provides or supervises. I feel like that with Ray's treatment sometimes, particularly now he has mild dementia and really isn't capable of making decisions on his own behalf. The doctor asks me the questions as Ray cannot always articulate how he feels now, or what he wants to ask the doctor so we discuss it beforehand and I ask the questions so that both Ray and I benefit from the answers.

I just read an article in a church paper called;"Handling the Bad News." The title sounds pretty ominous but we all get bad news from time to time. Most of it starts:"I don't know how to tell you this but...." so the article talked about calling on your own strengths, the support of family and friends and specialised support groups in the face of long term illness like cancer. Of course it went into a lot of religious stuff too but on the whole the answers could have been reprinted anywhere. I find these articles useful as they re-enforce the way I have chosen to handle Ray's long term illness.

I am grateful I found this site. I have made some friends who are in a similar situation to me, caring for husbands over a long period of time. Through this blog and chat I have been offered a lot of advice and support in a way that I couldn't have imagined previously. So now I chat to people in the USA as if I have known them all my life. It is such a bonus especially as it is often at a time when I would hesitate to phone anyone here for companionship or to ask a few questions. And as this is specifically a stroke site it is so easy to ask difficult questions without anyone feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed. Not sure I could discuss Ray's incontinence with our friends in real time!

Of course we also have friends in real time who offer us support as well. Some of them I don't hear from for a while and they suddenly resurface. Ray got a small package in the mail yesterday. I assumed it wa for his birthday but when he opened it up I could see I was wrong. It was a framed photograph, not a particularly good one of Ray and I taken in 1988!! I was quite pretty back then and slimmer too. The sender was a distant cousin of Ray's who said he had found the photo, rung his brother in Queensland to get our address and sent it to us. I rang his brother, got the sender's phone number and he and Ray had a chat and caught up on each others news. It was so nice to have that happen right out of the blue.

So not all our news is bad news. Some of it is pleasant and reminds us of the goodness of life. So it is wise to accept life as it comes, the good and the bad, not anaethetising ourself from the pain but where possible living with the pain and confusion of living in order to taste the joys that come our way. No ups if there are no downs I guess. I am not always good at this but will try to accept life as it comes.