I am finding some disappointments in life in my forward planning. Because forward planning has always been one of the joys of my life. I was the kind of person who had goals, who looked ahead to well-planned holidays with all the right clothes packed. Who could tell you the date of Easter and all the long weekends in the year and what I hoped to do on any of them.

All my childhood I looked forward to weekends, those wonderful two days with no school, when the world was open to do whatever you wanted to do. Right? Wrong. I lived in the days of chores and being the elder of two daughters had plenty to keep me occupied Saturday mornings and church on Sunday mornings. So that left Saturday afternoons and Sunday afternoons. Right? Wrong. Sometimes my parents had plans for that time too. And I had a younger sister so was supposed to look after her as well.

But I did have some spare time, nothing like kids do today, and I walked to friends places, read, rode my bike,watched other people play tennis, sometimes just hung around. That was until my parents bought a small mixed business when I was aged eleven and had me as the assistant and then I only got Sunday afternoons off. When was fifteen we sold the shop and moved but then I was old enough to work in other people's shops. I guess you get the picture.

When I went out to work I did get those magical weekends and they got filled with a lot of things I am not going to disclose here. But I did have some fun, did learn a lot about life and did plan ahead some. Then I got married and planning had to do with what Ray wanted to do, then where the kids fitted in etc. Then for just a few years we had those wonderful middle aged years when we had finally raised the kids who had gone off to make their own way in the world. Then we did go away for a few weekends, had some holidays including two overseas holidays, some further education for both of us and a lot of fun.

Don't get me wrong, there had been some good times since Ray had his first stroke in 1990. We still had a fifteen year old but he was mostly raised so I went back and got some more certificates in administration and went out to work again. Ray was considerably slowed down but he went back to work after six months. I worked, he still worked and we still managed to do some extra things we wanted to do, like walk the nine miles around the base of Ayres Rock, we didn't climb it as the Aborigines who are the custodians ask you not to, and respecting their rights, we didn't. And maybe I accepted the changes as being part of middle age, a sort of natural slowing down of life.

But then in 1999 Ray had the two major strokes and life changed and never changed back. Even since the major strokes some good things have happened to us, the coach tours we have enjoyed, the family gatherings, the birth of our four grandchildren among them. But then came the other two strokes and little by little because of his deteriorating health I have had to do more for Ray as he has been less able to do things for himself. My ability to plan forward no longer exists past the end of next week and even that could be a problem.

Tonight I had to tell my daughter I couldn't have her children for a week of the school holidays. That is, in two weeks time. I would love to, this time last year I would have been able to but tonight I said I couldn't. I can't have a six year old and a two year old and Ray to look after for a week. It is a bitter pill to swallow. I would love to do it but I can't do it. I can't describe how that made me feel. Desperately disappointed is close, but so , so sad also. I love being a Granma and love having the kids here. But with Ray's failing health even thinking in terms of a week is sometimes too much.

I guess I will have to leave the future to God. Maybe He can see it in a brighter light. That I myself can not see right this minute.