This is my first time writing a blog. Today, is my one year anniversary of my bleed stroke. I thought, in some way, this could be a present to myself.

I have read many blogs before starting this one and what has hit me is I need an attitudinal change. I have been angry because I felt I could have had 7-10 years of normalcy before having a stroke. I was doing very well, thank you very much. I was working really hard in getting over my depression over my mother's and also my father's deaths. I cared for them during their dementias. I never grieved for my father because I was so busy taking care of my mother, working a very demanding job and raising (2) kids and a husband.

My depression seeped into my life after my mom died. Suddenly, I had no one who needed me. My kids were grown and on their own and the husband had been traded for a cat (the girlfriend got my husband and I got her cat). My depression deepened. It was a chore just to move.

I decided in order to get rid of my depression, I should work helping other people. It is easier said than done but worth every ounce of energy. I signed on with a non-profit organization and went to Guatemala to work in an orphanage. With a great amount of trepidation, I stepped into the orphanage and w/ the second step, all worries and anxiety left. The kids, most of whom had some degree of cerebral palsy along w/ many other ailments, opened their arms and gave me big smiles. I learned at that moment, its not what the body looks like but what is in the soul which you can find by looking people in the eye. I fell in love w/ each and every one of them. Our bodies are all different. Some bodies work better than others but what is the core of our being is our soul. The access to our souls, to find out who we are is found through the camera of the eye. :hug:

I was angry w/ God. I was working my way out of depression and I found something I loved. I loved working with the kids. So why would He decide I should have a stroke? :Tantrum:

But I found, in reading blogs on this site, how I should truly be thankful for the past 10-20 years I've had. Also, I should be open to what the future will bring. There are so many options. Maybe I won't get better but if not, I will compensate. Maybe I will get better and I will be able to return to something I love. I really want to go to Africa and work w/ orphans there.

I am fortunate in what I have been able to get back. From complete paralysis, I now have the use of my limbs and my basic bodily functions. I have weird feelings in my hands, arms and legs but they work. I walk unaided in the house but I use a walker outside. Even the walker is becoming extinct. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store w/ my son and daughter-in-law w/out my walker. I don't think I lurched like a drunken sailor. The other day, I took out my mountain bike and by hoilding onto the fence, I "rode" my bike along side the fence back and forth. These are baby steps.

We have a new gym opening up in our area and I have signed up for a membership. I plan on exercising in the pool for my legs and increase my endurance. The gym will open up in mid January.

I have to find out if I need to be on an oxygen tank (that would be a last resort for me!) or perhaps I can talk the dr into thinking I just have a case of asthma. Because of my lack of oxygen (really, such a minor detail!), I can't participate in physical therapy. Hopefully, I will have answers by next week, when I see my dr. again. I hate the idea of an oxygen tank as they don't come in a variety of colors and my colors are "Fall" colors. :ranting:

I am lucky. My friends live far away but several of them have called the last few days and have invited me to their Christmas parties and a couple of them have invited me to come and stay the night. There is nothing more I like than to have fun and laugh with my friends. My family has been very supportive, too. My son is someone I think you would say "still waters run deep."

When I was in the hospital, I remember a couple of times people talking to me. One of them I remember is my son. He told me that I need to live; that they make medical advances everyday. My plan was I suppose to die. I had a living will. I told the medical staff to leave me alone, I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. Once my son got me to "yes, I want to live," he got on the phone w/ my POA and got permission to rescind the living will. It broke me heart. He said he would take care of me. He hasn't just taken care of me, he does more than that. When I don't realize it, he worries about me. When I don't see it, he is on the computer researching to figure out what the best thing is for me. :wub2:

I am very lucky for the friends and family that I have. How can I do anything but fight to get well (despite telling the drs I don't know why I am fighting so hard to get better because I love being waited on hand and foot! ) :big_grin: