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running on the spot


swilkinson

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From time to time I have nightmares. If they are bad nightmares, the sort that starts a re-run as soon as you close your eyes I get out of bed. Either I read for a while or come here to the computer. I did that twice last week. 4am and I am awake, in front of my computer, wrapped in my comfortable dressing gown. Hugging myself to send the demons in the bad dream back to where they came from.

 

Every time life gets too busy, and I get too stressed I start on the nightmares again. There is the one about running on the spot, in the dream I am trying to catch something or someone who has just gone out of sight around the corner. You've probably had this one too. So I try to increase my speed. I either wake in a panic or feel as if my chest has hit a brick wall. Then there is the black terror nightmare, I am in the dark, just outside my vision is something even darker, moving slower ahead of me. I am trying to hang back, suddenly it is facing me, something so terrible I can't even breathe. I wake up from that one too.

 

What do dreams tell us? I often wonder if it is worth finding someone to interpret dreams but know from biblical stories that that is not always wise. So mostly I just trust that things will get better and the nightmares will vanish again. Oh sometimes to drift into sweet sleep like a child does, just close your eyes and go to sleep. Go to sleep without running through the lists of what I did and did not do today. Like Lucy I wonder why I feel guilty. As if I have some control over what life brings day-by-day.

 

The past few days I have had some contacts that have irritated me. The sort of friend who rings and says they have not seen me, sounding as if it is my fault and I am hiding somewhere. I explain that Ray has been sick and so I have had to stay close to home. The non-understanding caller then says: "But he's better isn't he? You should be able to do ### now surely?" Gosh it is nice to be wanted isn't it? And in the past I would have moved heaven and hell to help out but it just isn't practical to try and fit anything else into a life that needs more time out not less.

 

Next week is the one the church calls Holy Week, the lead up to Easter. It starts with Palm Sunday and in most churches there will be palm fronds or palm crosses handed out. Some churches will re-enact the ride Jesus made into Jerusalem on a donkey, "humble, and riding on a donkey" an old song we sang as kids had that in it. Then there is a week of prayer, then Good Friday, Easter Saturday and glorious Easter Sunday. They throw in Easter Monday here so the workers get a four days weekend if they have a Monday to Friday job. The shift workers, the casuals and us caregivers just go on working our usual hours.

 

I am not ready for Easter this year. I have not been reading my Bible and reflecting, I have been looking after Ray, visiting him in hospital and now he is home again, looking after him here. I do not have time to sit and pray for the world and all its sins. I am too busy. I hope though that others are spending their time in prayer. The world sure could do with it. The news is full of the reckless,selfish acts of mankind. The deaths caused by hit-and-run drivers, senseless crimes against old folk, the humble surely do suffer at the hands of the powerful and the strong no longer protect the weak. Guess that much hasn't changed a lot in 2000 years. We still need someone to come and straighten us out, give us some new rules to live by. As for someone dying for our sins - would anyone notice?

 

I am like the figure I see in my nightmare, the one who runs on the spot. I have a garden full of litter, my green topped garden litter bin goes out tonight, it is raining. I can't go out and sweep it all up. I have so many small insignificant jobs to do, ironing, mending, tidying away. The contents of the store room is still on the back verandah, under the patio roof. There is nowhere to put it and I will have to wait until I can think of small moves that will open up a corner here and a drawer there so it all fits back in. Sure I could throw some of my stuff out and when I need it? What do I do then?

 

The shower room is on hold as the workers are mostly involved in a trip to Malaysia to a convention. So nothing now until they come home again. The work is two thirds done. But now we wait. I'm going to wait sitting down, not running on the spot.

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Sue,

 

You may not like this but I think the demon in your dreams is your life. I don't analyze dreams. I don't know the first thing about it but in reading your blog I noticed a couple of things. First of all, the "friend" you referred to doesn't fit the definition of a friend. A friend would have already known the circumstances and have offered to help you in whatever way she could. She certainly would not have asked you to add to an already heavy burden. Pray for the woman while you erase from your list of friends because she certainly needs it.

 

As for the church and Easter week, God is going to love you whether you are at church or at home caring for Ray. There are references in the bible about Christ tending to and/or healing the sick. What more Godly work could you be doing than caring for one of his children? "When ye do this unto the least of these, my brethren, ye do it also unto me." I know that passage doesn't apply specifically here but it gives you the idea. Let the church celebrate Easter any way they choose. You celebrate Easter in whatever way you are able and know that God will be more pleased by your offering.

 

Now to the world. The world is what it is and always has been. It is not for you to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You need to concern yourself for right now with your world which is you and Ray and your home. Smile at people during the day, do an unexpected kindness for someone who need it. Share the love that God shares with you but only in your little corner of the world. I am my husband's sole caregiver and I know where you are coming from so I know what I am talking about. You can't change the world so don't waste your time and energy worrying about it or whether others are worrying about it. Believe me there are many, many others taking gigantic steps to try to heal the world so you just try to heal yours.

 

As for your house and all those little things that need doing. I couldn't tell you how many projects I have started in every room in my home not to mention outside in my yard. The key word here is started. At some point I will finish at least one of them. LOL But I'm not going to worry about it. Every single one of those projects will still be there when I get time to deal with it. I keep everything Jim needs or is using very clean and disinfected. If people come over to see my little messes then I will gladly show them to whoever it is and then they can just go home. They aren't friends anyway.

 

Now to the most important thing and that is you. Do you have any family or friends who can help you out and just give you a break for a little bit every so often? You are in bad need of some self time. Time where you can go shopping or take a nap or go to a park or just do whatever will recharge your batteries.Spend some time loving yourself and it will show up in the way you feel and think about everything else. God loves you and so should you.

 

Next time you find yourself rinning in one spot, take advantage of it. Just sit down. Stop running, sit down, grab a good book and a cup of coffee and relax for a bit. You can control your dreams so if you do that, your nightmare will stop. Just stop running and sit down. Take a little self time and the nightmare will be gone.

 

Betty Jean

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Dear Sue--You have a lot on your plate and that is why you are having nightmares. Your mind, in its own way, is trying to catagorize and put things in their place. That's basic. However, after taking several psychology courses years ago, I learned that there are many schools of thought on how the mind/brain work. That means you can pick the school of thought that best fits how you think and go w/ it. I suggest you do not choose Freud. I am convinced he had a problem w/ women.

 

I don't remember who it was (and I will blame this on affects of my stroke :bop: )but there is a school of thought that the person who has the nightmare is the only one who can interpret that nightmare. You are storyteller. I like that guy and the way he thinks.

 

I suggest you find some quiet time and make your story up. This will rest your mind and eventually, perhaps, your nightmares will diminish.

 

Now, if you don't mind, I will tell you about my (2) nightmares I would have before an important conference I was coordinating.

 

The first one involved me arriving late at work because I had a conference in-house and I would probably work until late that night to make sure all the participants were settled. As I walked up to the boardwalk, a fellow staffer came running out to greet me. He was harried and upset. As he approached me, he said, "What were you thinking?" I responded, "What do you mean?" He said, "Its December! Why in heaven's name did you promise these people a crab feast?????!!!!" For the uninitiated, you can't serve crab in December as they are non existent, at least in our neck of the woods.

 

The second nightmare would open as I was giving a tour to a potential client. I was showing them our largest conference room. As we walked around and I was pointing out all the good points of the room, the client turned to me and said, "I'm not sure this room is large enough for our needs." I blithley responded, "I have a crew of termites and they can eat out that wall and we'll just make the room larger." At the same time, I was thinking, How are we ever going to get things put back together after the group leaves????????????????

 

Go figure. I'm a people pleaser for one. Take Care. LK

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Ok, all the lovely people who prayed that I would have a dream less sleep, I finally did, between 4pm and 8pm this afternoon! Got up to find poor Ray sitting in the loungeroom in front of the tv with no dinner. He was wondering if I would ever wake up!

 

Thanks anyway to all for their concern.

 

Sue.

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Hey! hey! hey! it's a beautiful day!

 

Got some of my garden litter bagged up today. All things come to she who waits. I just had to be patient. I am attempting an afternoon off here, so have been in the chat room chatting on and off. It is so good to catch up with a few of you. I have been too distracted by Ray's new routine to be on much lately. But I will have to stop worrying and accept me and any mistakes I make. After all there is only one of me, not a whole hospital staff here!

 

Nothing helps so much as talking to a friend, call them an acquaintance, colleague, fellow sufferer, whatever you like to call them. All of those people who express concern are friends in my book, until proven otherwise. And I want to keep a few as treasure in my old age. Bless you all for your support, care, may you be happy in whatever you do today.

 

Sue.

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