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Signing on for first time in blog!


Shadow55038

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The first anniversary of my stroke is coming up quickly--April 30th--and I am full of very mixed emotions. This year has gone so quicky, and while in some ways it feels like the stroke never happened, in other ways, it is all-consuming. While the physical symptoms continue to disappear, the emotional ones seem to keep me on my toes. I've felt everything this past year. . .anger, depression, anxiety, joy, humility, embarrassment, fear, dread, jealousy, hopelessness, hopefulness. . .you name it, I've felt it.

 

Going back to work was the single worst thing that has happened to me since stroking. I've heard everything from, "I'm glad it's you not me," to "Get over yourself," to my boss basically blaming my blood clots on my "not having a positive attitude," and the HR genious (??) telling other managers behind my back that all the fast food I ate caused the stroke. I'm crying now just thinking about all the insensitivity I've experienced and the ignorace of others. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life as I have the past 11 months.

 

But, I know I was spared for a reason, and God must have some great plan for me--because He surely didn't spare me to go back to my horsepoop marketing job peddling propaganda to poor saps who believe my product is the best for them. I feel like such a liar in my job, and by getting others to "drink the Kool-aid," I feel even worse. I guess I should just be thankful that I'm functional enough to go back to work full time, but I don't. I want to do something that means something. I know this seems so cliche for someone who's been through a life-altering experience, but I can't stand that I've gone back to the same robot I was pre-stroke.

 

By the way, Happy Easter. . .

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I think we all go thru what you describe for emotions. Maybe time for a job change if possible? The stuff we used to think was important doesn't seem so important after a stroke.Sounds like you are on the right track. Keep on keepin' on.

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Welcome to the Blogging world!!! We all experience the mixed bag of emotions - that's a natural part of stroke survival. But, we made it; our # wasn't up - He's not ready for us just yet. I too would suggest a job change if that's at all possible. It's amazing how rude and cold some individuals can be - they don't have a clue on how to care for others; they're self-centered. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

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People can be very insensitive.. Especially ones who have not had some type of medical crisis in their lives.

 

The roller coaster of emotions is something we deal with, I think in a way it helps us on our journey to acceptance. Some emotinal lability is caused form stroke. And I know my emotions and feelings seem closer to the surface.

 

Do you have something in mind you would like to do.. Insurance, medical field, counseling? Maybe you could start by talking to a college or tech school counselor.. maybe you can start with some classes on line.

 

Best of luck..

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hey Shadow:

 

welcome to blogworld, it's our tight knot family we would love to know your first name, I stroked at 34, and felt I was peak of my career, but at the same token I was ignoring my family life, after stroke I realised hard way that at work they can replace me, but in my family, i will be very hard to replace mom and wife, so I know my purpose, we all are spared for reason, in these whole cosmos we matter, I am glad you don't have too many defiets from job, maybe you would like to consider different job like in health care or in nonprofit organization, where our actions matter in the big picture,

 

I have started volunteering at redcross, and I know for sure that if I pursue it further I might get a job in it, but I like being stay at home mom.

 

Asha

 

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Dear Shadow--Welcome to our world. You are a survivor of stroke. It seems you may have to work on being a survivor in the work world, too. In reading your blog, I thought your work environment was probably this way pre-stroke and not a very nice place to be under any circumstances.

 

It may be a little tough but can you manage to look for another job while still holding this one down? From what I read in your blog, I was thinking you might be happy working in the non-profit field. There is so much in the world that needs to be fixed and taken care of. It sounds to me you are a very caring person and working in the non-profit field would make you happy. There is not that much money to be made but the other benefits will make you feel a lot happier. You mentioned you are in marketing and all non-profits could use someone w/ those skills. Good luck and Take Care. LK

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