I have given my history here of going from near total paralysis to 95%(~)) fully functioning. Most peiople I run into say its a miracle. I say its a form of total rejection: The devil didn't want me and the Lord wouldn't have me.

Whatever the true scenario is, I am very thankful for each thing I can accomplish. I think I even type better than I did before! What or how can I describe how I feel when I am behind the wheel of my Miata, w/ the top down (as some of my friends, going topless) and the wind in my hair. How did I, why did I deserve such a gift? How, why did I deserve the gift of coming back?

While I was sleeping, I had a very scary and weird "alter-reality world." There were many aspects to this "alter-reality world" but I will write about one aspect that has been haunting me recently.

How nice it would be to relate to you that in this state, I saw the light, I saw angels welcoming me into the light. How nice it would be to write that I felt welcomed, calm, serene. I did not. In the beginning, my heart rate was up so high, I thought my heart was going to pop out of my chest. I told the people, in my alter-reality world, that they needed to stop the things they were doing because I needed to be calm and have a sense of serenity so my heart rate would go down. It was a horrible feeling. Nothing happened, my heart rate still continued to race...like it was on steriods???

No, I did not enter into a state of serenity. There were many segments to this so I will just cut to the chase of what I wish to convey from this world of alter-reality. At one point, it came time that I was to die by my own choice. I was on a large boat with many people who were assisting me. They had done this before and this was how they performed the duty for those who chose death.

They placed me lovingly in a small dinghy, wooden and very comfortable. I wore a suede and shearling long skirt which was beautiful and very comfortable and kept me warm. The lake was placid and it was at night. They had lit candles and it was very beautiful. They pushed the dinghy off and I floated into the lake; I was alone. I had champagne and a small cup attached to my left wrist that was filled with melted Godiva chocolate. I sipped champagne as the melted Godiva chocolate slowly oozed into my veins. This is how I was to die.

As this process started, I became as scared as I ever had been in life. More so. I don't think I had ever been as scared as I was at that time. I was too scared to die. I didn't know what was on the other side. It was fear of the unknown that made me so scared. Quickly, someone, an aide, was by my side. I cried I didn't want to die. Please stop the Godiva chocolate from going into my veins. They stopped the process. I asked them if they had caught it in time. They said yes. I asked them if they were sure. They said yes.

Time, I suppose went on and they had done their job. They did stop the process of dying. The next thing I remember was my cousin-in-law saying to me, "We will have to get you up to the cottage next summer and we will stay awhile." (That is a paraphrase). I only remember thinking, "I'll have to take him up on that."

I laugh at the aspect of dying by champagne and Godiva chocolate. In the "alter-reality world," it was so integral but in reality, I have to chuckle. My drink of choice, as my friends know, is champagne. My snack of choice, whenever I get a chance, is anything chocolate. Godiva is the best that I know of. The brain, from the little I know, must be a fascinating organ. What makes us tick? What will gyrus and neurons offer up to us at the most unexpected moment?

From there, I started my road back to recovery. Some parts were frustrating, some were great moments of comic relief. Sometimes I worked as hard as I could and sometimes, I reverted back to my lazy self. There were moments...ok, long stretches that I was discouraged and didn't do anything.

I didn't get to where I am on my own. There were caring people along the away. Also, I have to say, there were some pretty despicable people who discouraged any aspect of my getting any semblance of "normal." But for some reason, I have "come back." I can walk w/ some lurching. I walk unaided. I drive locally. I haven't tried to drive long distances. There were things I was concerned about w/ how I would drive but they, so far, have been needless worries. I can drive as fast as the speed limit and feel comfortable behind the wheel. I have driven faster than the speed limit and feel comfortable behind the wheel. Oh, come on, admit it, you drive fast sometimes, too. My concern is that someone will see me lurching as I walk to the store from my car and call me in as a drunk driver! However, that has not happened yet. My lurching has gotten worse; that is, it is regressing w/ the exercise regimen I am doing. My walking has improved.

That is what I want to write about. How far can I go? Look at all the accomplishments so far. How, why did I or do I deserve this? Why me? Why am I allowed to be almost perfect (as I told my friends some years ago, every piece of perfection has its own slight imperfections...that applies to me today). Just how far can I go?

I am so grateful for the things I have but I want more. Here is the list I want to accomplish.

Get rid of the tingly feelings that almost feel like paralysis in my left arm and hand. The same feeling in my left leg.

Make my left leg and arm feel stronger to carry the weight.

Feel stronger all over so I can finish all the tasks in one day as I did before my stroke.

Be strong enough so I can walk the dogs at the SPCA.

Be strong enough to walk the Nature Trail at the SPCA.

Be strong enough so I can start my own business of training dogs.

Be strong enough so I can drive long distances to visit my relatives in New England, who have been lovingly rooting for me for more years than people know.

Be strong enough so I can drive to Pennsylvania to comfort my friend who lost her son. I want to wrap my arms around her and hopefully keep the pain at bay for just awhile. I know I can't make it dissipate, but perhaps it would help for just awhile.

Be strong enough that I can live on my own, independently.

Be strong enough that I can travel to those points of the earth that I would like to explore.

Just how far can I go?????

Take Care. LK