Getting Ray from respite and bringing him home is the easy part. It is then settling back into routine that seems so hard. After all I have had "freedom" for two weeks. Freedom is something we take for granted for most of our adult life, it includes self-determination, freedom of speech, movement, the right to choose our own way of life etc. A lot of that is taken away from you when you have strokes or start to look after someone who has had strokes.

Ray has always been described as "easy going", this was one of the compliments of the seventies, a period when we were young, recently married and raising kids. The easy going male didn't critise the meals, compare his wife to his mother, make a fuss about the use of the household budget etc. I was considered "lucky" to be married to a man who was "easy going". A lot of my girlfriends had husbands who were more difficult to manage at home maybe but more devoted to their business and better providers but we all agreed that the "easy going" man made the best husbands.

Looking back over the years Ray was a good husband and a good father, taking us on holidays, spending a reasonable amount of time with the kids, sharing some of the household tasks, particularly the yardwork. I think we got along well with our neighbours and in our community because he was community minded and joined a service club with other younger men in it and so I got the company of other young wives. We did move away from our families for about ten years and unfortunately by the time we came back both his parents had died and his sisters and brothers moved away so he never had a close family. Which explains in part why we have little contact with them now.

I think not having a close family is a real disadvantage after you have a stroke. Granted some families are a liability and can be abusive and unhelpful in all kinds of ways. But I am envious when I read of those who have the backing and support of their birth family and in-laws to help in the stroke recovery process. My sister has helped out from time to time but there have been other years when she has been mostly out of contact, busy with her own life and her own extended family. I can understand that as I know how absorbed I can get in our day-to-day life too.

Our children, or at least the two who are married have families of their own so I can understand that that is their primary focus. Mum and Dad do feature in their lives as the "grandparents" in the case of our son's family, the only grandparents, but it seems the committment that we felt towards our parents in the seventies and eighties no longer applies in 2008. We do have one son living at home and he does help out in small ways so we are lucky to have that kind of support. It is great when Ray is flat on the floor and a call brings Trev to help lift him up again. And when he BBQs too, that is a real bonus. But Trev works in Sydney and of course has a life of his own on the weekends so is not here a lot.

So mostly it is just Ray and I as a couple who live in this space and reality. We get up in the morning and the day begins. The week has it's routine and we go from home to the church, the shops, the doctor's and wherever else the week takes us. We have the Lions dinners, the meetings with a couple of other groups, including Ray's Scallywags group to give us other things to do, other things to think about. Both Ray and I have an opportunity to serve in our community still. Less than in our vigorous and active past but still the art of listening to others can be part of Ray's ministry as well as mine. And I volunteer as a fill-in at Sunday school, as a helping hand at Lions and here too so this is also a primary focus point for me.

So why am I thinking of this now? I realised last night at Lions that Ray hardly focusses at all on what happens around him. He sits at the end of the table and interacts very little with the person opposite him apart from speaking when spoken to, mainly with a "yes" or "no" answer. As at home I bring him a drink and his food, cut up his food, get up for anything extra he needs. As long as he doesn't cough and splutter and he can manage to eat most of his food it is worth taking him out to the dinner meetings. I am sad though that there are many activities that we would recently have volunteered to help with and no longer put our hands up to be counted as part of the work team. That has reduced our usefulness to the Club and so I know that in the near future we will need to make a decision about staying a bit longer or leaving the Club.

Monday was a busy day with doctors' visits for both of us. Tuesday I did a lot of housework in the morning. I did manage to get in a walk while the shower nurse was here, it was drizzling a bit but hey! I don't shrink. In the afternoon we went to our craft group as usual. Today Ray was pleased that it was stay-at-home day and he could have his verandah time. He loves just sitting there doing his find-a-words, doing a bit of daydreaming too I expect. I did my chat hosting and enjoyed that, and some housework after lunch. Tomorrow is a busy day with two medical specialists to see and Friday has some other appointments too. So not the quiet life as retirement was once viewed.

Asha, I am trying to go with the flow, Jean I am trying to stay in the present. I am trying to keep calm, count my blessings, take one day at a time, do all the things I tell others to do to stay focussed and manage our lives to the best of my ability. I just find it all a trifle TRYING sometimes!