My theory on life is that chaos is the beginning of new life. You throw all the pieces of your life into a whirlwind and what comes out is going to look much different to what went in. It may not be what you want but it will be a formula that fits your present situation.

If you sat down and daydreamed of how to live this part of your life for the best results for Dick and for you how would that look? Would it look like an almost empty house with comfy chairs, some coffee brewing and friends dropping by? Because I think that is my ideal. I have always loved people and to be put somewhere where they didn't come any more would be prison for me. But for Ray it is a sunny verandah, a find-a-word book and the wife bringing food when he feels hungry. He is not such a people person and prefers a quiet and orderly life.

Discuss hospice and find out what it would be like and if you can live with that. Here we have Palliative Care which is home based for terminal cancer patients. The nurses tend to run a program of care for the recipient and the spouse provides the back-up. Hospitalization is the end of the process, but not always as some people still stay home right to the end. If this turns out to be your choice then let friends in on the decision and do allow them to come and go as you deem appropriate, and let them HELP you.

(((Hugs))) from Sue.

Dear Ruth,

Hospice was suggested for Bill about a year and a half ago - and here we are. Vascular dementia progresses exactly as it is with your husband as far as I've learned. Bill does the same thing. Some days it seems like he can't put three words together and he has a blank look in his eyes. We have several of those dayes, then it seems as though he comes back. Today has been a decent day. Today.

For sure, once you begin with hospice they won't "kick" him out of the program. I think you really need to consider where you are Ruth. One option I've suggested to others is placement in a SNF for a month. We just don't have the respite programs available to us that I wish we did and that is just about the only way to get respite when we need it. When Bill has been in the SNF it hasn't been an "easier" for me, but the one thing is I do get to sleep.

The one thing I've learned these three plus years is that I can't look too far into the future. My thoughts turn to chaos, too. I become absulutely overwhelmed when I look into the future. My suggestion to you is to try very hard to live in the day. Yes, we have appointments we make, and we have to plan various events, but try not to live in the world of "what if". We can't determine what if anyway.

I make decisions based on recommendations and needs. Rather than feeling as though I need to make all the decisions, if somebody else can make it I let them. It is just too overwhelming to be responsible for absolutely everything. I think when we all look back on this time we will be amazed at our capabilities. Of course, I guess we'd all agree there must be a better way to learn the lessons we will take away from our caregiving duties, wouldn't we?

Take care and you are in my prayers.

Sue and Ann, Thinking of chaos as the beginning of a new life really is and interesting thought. Things always seem worse while you are in the midsts of the whirlwind than they do once things begin to fall into place. I am beginning to see our pieces to start settling into the new pattern. Some things will never be the same yet the best part of our lives remain unchanged - we are still together. I am beginning to believe that I am not ready for Hospice yet. I am not ready to have strangers take over for me. The understanding and wise insight I have gotten from you is helping to refortify me.

Ruth