It has been strange being at home without Ray. At first I couldn't relax at all, I felt as if I should be "up and doing" every day. After all time is precious and I don't usually have a lot of it. But this week I am begining to relax and wind-down a bit. I decide at the beginning of the day what I am going to do, divide that by two and start on the list. If the jobs don't get done I put them on tomorrow's list. I guess that is about as relaxed as I get. Maybe just maybe I have become the caregiver version of a workaholic - funny what thoughts come to you when you have time to think!

Last week I had all the flurry of my Uncle Don's death, contact back and forth by email with the cousins etc. Then the sudden illness of my friend Beryl and helping out there. I went in to see her in hospital and she looks great, the meds are re-balanced she has been topped up with whole blood, vitamin shots etc and her yellow colour has faded and she is pink cheeked again. I know this is not a cure it is just a few weeks of better health but I know her sisters, neices and nephews etc are heart-set on her being well for Christmas so I am so hoping that happens for them.

I have visited Ray four times so far in the hostel. I normally go away to visit our daughter when he is in care so only see him a couple of times in two weeks. This time I was determined to visit him as I do Mum, for an hour a couple of times a week. In a way this is to prepare us both for the possibility that one day in the future he will go into full-time care. I know it is coming now. I read the blogs of others it has happened to and I know somewhere in our future it is there. When the time comes I want to be able to handle it as best I can. I know all this is idle spectulation at present but need to be ready.

Last night I took Ray to our Lions Club Christmas dinner which is also our end-of-year meeting and break-up party. I rang the hostel to prepare him as I knew he wouldn't remember from the previous day. He has a very short short term memory now, nothing from the previous day would still be remembered. He was waiting in the wheelchair but had not had a shave or combed his hair so I attended to that. I took him in the wheelchair, transferred him into the car and off we went. We were early which meant I had plenty of time to talk to members and their wives as they came in. It is good to have a time of fellowship, something I don't get to do a lot.

We had a lovely evening at the party, a good dinner, fun and jokes that our Tail Twister (Fines Master) is so good at. The Lions who form the " KB Singers" sang Christmas songs and carols and we all joined in. It was a good night for both of us. I was a bit worried about his transition back into the hostel but the night nurse was waiting at the front door to let us in and took him back along the corridor in the wheelchir so I was able to not have to see him back to his room. I know his sugar reading will be sky high today as I let him eat the chocolates off the table but hey! it's the season!

I also had a special visit with Mum on Monday. As I have said before she is mostly unreponsive now having lost all language skills due to the frontal lobe damage caused by the dementia. She has no language and little understanding of language. Most of the aides "act out" what it is they want her to do, like getting up or walking. On Monday morning they had a very lively rendition of Christmas carols and songs by a very flamboyant organist who sings and dances as he plays! Mum and I were walking round and round as usual but when we came back one of the aides grabbed us and said: "Dance mama, sing!" and to my surprise Mum picked up the side of her dress in her hand, like a little girl does and started to sway and mumble a tune. She was smiling and nodding her head and winking and generally having so much fun and enjoyment in what she was doing that it took my breath away and I had a hard job to stop the tears. Jingle Bells played on and on and we "danced and sang" together for the first time in many years. It was a little miracle to me to be doing that with my dear Mum.

This week I am still trying to sort out our Christmas decos, do the last of the cards etc. I will do a BIG shop on Friday and try to make next week an easy week with Ray back home on Monday and just one shower nurse hour on Tuesday I will be much busier with Ray's care. And Ray will no doubt be unco-operative as he usually is when he is back from respite and will NOT want to do whatever it is we need to do. It seems to be the way he settles back in, to act like an unco-operatvie teenager and give me extra grief! Maybe it is his way of re-establishing the boundaries. I just wish he was not so obsstructive. But it is part of the dementia I guess.

Like other bloggers I sometime focus inwards and the blog is all about me, my life, my disappointments, my grief and loss and how I cope with it. That is okay. Blogs for me are for venting and whining sometimes and generally sorting things out. I am a person who takes a long time to "just get over it". Maybe I analyze things a bit too much, try to keep in control and plan ahead. Hey! that is just me, take it or leave it! But I think I have a heart of compassion and a nature full of natural affection for others too so I can be a cheerleader as well. Life is a paradox and I am still "sorting it out".