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Figuring things out

justsurviving

Entry posted by justsurviving

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It never fails - I think I have just about everything figured out & then BAM! I get hit with something and have something to refigure.

 

I had a pretty sweet life up to the stroke. I was fit, healthy, and on my way to finishing up schooling. BAM! Stroke. I often wrote and felt that I had aged 50 years in the blink of an eye. I think I understand why now. I had some disconnect with my mind and body.

 

BS (before stroke), my mind and body were in sync. What I thought I could do, I just did. Without fail. All of a sudden, I thought I could do things that I simply couldn't do. No way, no how (walking, grabbing things, etc.). It is incredibly difficult to convey how this dissonance felt. I thought I was still healthy and fit. I simply couldn't get my mind to sync up with my body. It was impossible for me to understand that I was broken. I think that I realized it in small patches (one sad memory was of me sobbing uncontrollably and asking Bob to please just take the stroke effects away, just for 1 day and I promised that I would find the strength to fight it if I could only just have a break), but I couldn't really make my mind understand what my brain did to my body. Only time would allow the two to make that connection.

 

I realized last night that it is coming together. My mind is accepting my body. I recall having a lunch date with a good friend (Friend of Survivor, in fact!), and as we sat in a 2 person booth, I had no idea what to do with my arm. This disconnect between my mind and body manifested itself frequently in the feeling that parts of my body didn't feel like they belonged. At lunch, I crossed my arms so that I could control my affected arm. I felt terrible as I'm sure it came across as closed off body language, but I just didn't know what else to do with my arm. At least I could simply tuck my affected leg/foot behind my good leg/foot and be okay with it being secured.

 

I feel fairly whole now. A portion of my affected foot often feels odd and 'out of place' (for lack of a better term) but since it is connected to the rest of my foot which feels fine, it is easier to deal with. I feel like my arm and leg belong to my body again.

 

I'm sure much of this has to do with the brain cells that have to pick up the responsibility of the dead cells. The new ones have no basis to determine what feels comfortable or appropriate. Only as time passes do they figure out how it is supposed to feel. When I would get frustrated at the experimental program at USC, I would have to stop and explain that it wasn't that I didn't *want* to do something (as one person claimed that 'some strokers don't want to do' stuff), it was that my brain didn't understand what was right and how right felt. There was frustration on both sides. There were some people who think that I just wasn't cooperating and I felt frustrated that my brain cells weren't picking it up as fast as they needed. I feed off other people's stress which is NOT healthy! If someone is anxious, all that energy is absorbed and I become anxious. Yuck. The good thing is that if someone is contagiously happy - I am too! :)

 

I once told Bob that my brain is figuring things out similarly to a fresh one (babies/kids), only a little faster. I often commiserated with toddlers learning to walk. I figure that (similar to muscle memory), my brain is catching on fairly quickly and I'm past adolescence (whew! I felt awkward for awhile after the stroke - very teenage-y). Glad that is over! I'm getting better & believe with all my being that I can get to a fully sync'd up place in life. Just you watch! ^_^

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stessie

This is probably one of the best written documentations of after stroke connect I have ever read. Thank you for sharing this.

 

I watch our almost 11 month old grandson twice a week. I have watched how he has never given up in his quest to pull himself up, learn to crawl, learn to walk, and figure out things. This has helped so much with my recovery as I know I need to do the same thing in walking with my affected left leg. He takes a nap usually around 11 am so I use this time to walk up and down the steps (frontward and backward) for around 45 minutes. I keep saying to myself you can do it and I have noticed a huge improvement...and all of this motivated by an almost 11 month old.

 

 

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fking

Isn't it amazing how life can change in the blink of an eye? Sometimes I think what's worse, a stroke or heart attack? Either way it's a life or death situation and when we survive it appears the heart attack person is up walking around as usual whereas the stroke survivor has a lifetime of disabilities to endure for the most part. Our lives are put on hold in what we can or can not do for ourselves anymore!

 

I think our grands help keep us going and growing with them. I'm helping my 4 Y.O. grand daughter grow her garden and I'm getting a work out too! It does motivate us in seeing them so happy and over joyed.

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Friend of a Survivor

Aw, Sherri, I had no idea you didn't know what to do with your arm that day and I don't remember thinking you were ever "closed off" - I must have figured you were just cold, as they keep the AC temp set so low here in FL!

 

As always, I'm so impressed with your engaging ability to articulate thoughts and feelings so well, even to someone like me, who hasn't experienced a stroke. I really think you need to put these blogs into a book - not only for those who have lived through this experience themselves, but for their family members, friends, and even - or especially - the therapists who work with stroke survivors and don't understand what you're going through, like the ones you've encountered. Your book should be required reading for them!

 

More is the tragedy with reading other survivors' stories, and how they're able to find inspiration in their grandchildren, when you had your stroke when you were only a few years past your 30th birthday - far too young to endure something like this! But it's also more inspiring too - as despite this happening to you when you were so young, you didn't give up, but went on to successfully defend your dissertation and earn a PhD!! :Clever: I'm sure that's very unique!

 

 

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dstraugh

Terrific entry Sherry. I also think you should compile your entries into a book. You are awesome sweetie and quite inspiring.

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justsurviving

A friend who read this entry but is not a member emailed the following comment to me:

 

"I just caught up on your entries. It had been a while since I read them. It is really interesting to hear about your inner life, and as one who is not nearby, to hear about the continuing struggle with stroke recovery. My ex-father-in-law had a massive stroke in his fifties, and my aunt had a stroke in her late forties (I think) so I am not completely unfamiliar with some of the effects, just not the level of detail you have provided. It is fascinating and helpful to those of us who cannot begin to imagine what it is like. I think sometimes we forget or are oblivious to (obviously) the brain-damage or invisible side of the equation and look just at the physical impairment. Thanks for sharing such personal and perhaps vulnerable thoughts and feelings with the rest of us. Would you mind if I pass along the link to others? By the way - would love to see you guys again, so if you're ever near Raleigh, please drop in!!! And I'll be cheering for you to reach all your goals."

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