(Originally posted October 25, 2009)

As you know, I was in Chicago this week for a business trip, attending a meeting that I attend every year. It's not a huge gathering (about 50 people) and most of us attend each year, so we've gotten to know each other fairly well. So on Friday, after the conclusion of the meeting, when a small group of us were sitting around waiting for the time when we would depart to head to the airport, train station or bus terminal, we spent some time catching up.

First of all, let me assure you that I will never get used to uttering the words, "My husband had a stroke." Each time I say it I get a physical sensation that must be very similar to what it feels like to be kicked in the chest by a horse. Because every time I say it, I remember the first time I said it, in a phone call to my mother from the ER that night. I remember the first time it was said to me, by the ER physician (who said J.J. had "basically" a stroke. Basically? Um, no, jerk. He did in fact have a stroke). But when I'm asked how things have been going, am I to gloss over this? When I'm asked why I'm back in school and what I'm studying, do I let people just guess why I'm suddenly drawn toward speech/language pathology?

Anyway, as I discussed what it's been like over these last eight months, I did it with dry eyes. At least until one of the women I was talking with turned to me and said, "You're allowed to feel, you know." Then I lost it. Because it's never going to stop hurting that this happened. I love my husband, and I'll love him no matter what, but that doesn't mean I'll stop missing the man he used to be. And just because he doesn't have deficits like some survivors doesn't mean that he has no deficits at all. I'm still sad, confused, angry and hurt. And it was nice to have someone not treat me like I should forget about it and move on. It's getting easier, but it's never going to be easy.

So there you have it. For anyone who reads these entries looking for some indication of when the pain stops, I can assure you that 8 months and 10 days later, it's still fresh. I'll keep you posted if this changes.