Dan is still in the hospital. They just can't get his ulcerative colitis under control. They started him on Remicade infusion on Wednesday. He will have three infusions in six weeks then he'll go on maintenance which is an infusion every 6 to 8 weeks. If this doesn't help control the UC the next step is bowel resection surgery.

He was doing so well on Friday. We transferred out of bed and on and off the toilet and he did great. He was weak, but we did it and we both felt good about it. I went home so happy. He stayed up and in the wheelchair for two hours. The nurse said he even went for a ride around the floor.

Saturday he was tired but we transferred to the wheelchair and he was up about 45 minutes. I figured he was just worn out from Friday. He called me in the evening and told me the doc was just in and that his blood work is looking good, hemoglobin, potassium, magnesium, all numbers were good and he will probably be discharged on Monday. Yea rah!! Happy he's coming home, but knowing that my work is just starting up again.

Sunday his brother and sil came for a visit. He was so very tired. Brother Mike helped me transfer him to the wheelchair and we went for a very short ride. We transferred to the toilet, but when it came time to get off, he couldn't help me at all. Mike helped me get him off the toilet and back into bed.

He begged me not to make him go to a nursing home. If he can't help me get him up off the toilet there's no way that I can take care of him at home by myself. It just kills me when he begs like that, makes me feel horrible. I've explained to him that he has to be able to physically help me with transfers and he says he understands, but I still feel horrible. He would hardly even talk to me when I left last night.

I have looked at several local rehab centers and found a couple that are rated very high by Medicare. The first one is 20 miles away, the second one is 12 miles away. I know this is what I have to do, but I just feel so sad. I feel sad that I can't take care of Dan at home and I'm feeling very sad that this whole stroke thing has happened to us. I keep telling myself that the rehab center will help him and he won't be there too long, but then I worry what if he doesn't come home again?

There, I said it...what if he doesn't come home again? I have to put this horrible thought aside and live one day at a time.