This is a vent so if you don’t want to read it skip to someone else’s blog.

I belong to another site for spouse caregivers. On that site we tend to tell each other the bad things that happen in our day. We are all dealing with spouses with multiple disabilities. Doing so causes us a lot of anxiety and frustration so we understand when another caregiver says she can’t stand this or that behaviour. We’ve been there and done that so we understand. We often feel exactly the same way.

I know it sounds negative to sound off about our partner/care recipient all the time. But remember that by doing it on that site we may be able to stand up to the next lot of difficult behaviour with a smile instead of dialing the nearest nursing home and asking can they do a pick-up urgently. Like all forms of support it is enabling us to go on caring for longer whatever the circumstances might be.

I am having trouble getting Ray to exercise. As I’ve said elsewhere he has put on about twelve pounds since the beginning of December when the diabetic ulcer happened. Because he hasn’t been able to do the standing exercises he usually does he has done no exercises at all. So he has been sitting or lying down, eating really well over Christmas and putting on that extra weight.

Ray has a lot of falls. Sometimes we will have two or three weeks without a fall and then two or three in a week, that was this week. We have Trevor living two doors down so he can still help out by picking Ray up. Trevor is big and strong and seems to pick Ray up effortlessly. He now has a job where he works from 4pm-8pm in a municipal building as a cleaner. Both falls occurred between those hours this week so I had to pick up Ray.

Ray used to be able to help me with the lift using the stronger right side of his body to lift with the arm and push with the leg. This week he seemed not to be able to help me at all. I just managed both lifts but after the second I felt physically sick, so I know I need to rethink how I lift, when I lift and when I call the paramedics. And do I need to lift at all in an emergency, instead of maybe leaving him where he is till Trevor comes home?

Today I asked Ray to do some exercises from an old exercise tape designed for seniors. We have used this one before on wet days. Ray said he didn’t want to do it because it was too hot! I just about blew like a volcano. That may have been because I had been cooking and was a little overheated myself. I explained that I have no intention of killing myself trying to lift him after future falls and he better get stronger so he can help himself. I know he just wants an EASY life, but so do I.

There is no way I am putting him into a nursing home if I can go on looking after him but coping at this level is about my limit so he needs to be aware of that and make an effort to get better and stronger with enough strength in his good right side to help with the lifts. He also needs to know if he hasn’t a spoon they are in the kitchen drawer, his socks are in the wardrobe and if he has “lost” his watch he can look in the bathroom. In other words he needs to do some things for himself.

It is so easy to slip back into “invalid ways”. Can you picture the old Granny or Granpa sitting in the chair rocking while the faithful daughter brought the lemonade out on the tray? She has on a pretty apron and we can hear the maid/cook singing in the kitchen as she prepares the family meal. Well that is pure Hollywood. It doesn’t happen that way here! Sure Ray gets lemonade, diet usually and I do bring him a glass out onto our verandah and sit by him with my own glass while he drinks his. Then I go back inside and go on with the rest of the housework.

How much longer will it be possible to go on looking after Ray at home? Who knows? But I do know it does hinge on him at least trying to do some things for himself.

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