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Missing the old me 6 years later


Manders

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This summer will be six years since my stroke. I am realizing more and more that stroke lasts a lifetime. I guess I was hoping that one day I would wake up and this would all be over. Brain injury is something that never goes away. Last week I spoke in front of 600 people at a fundraiser for the hospital that saved my life. I enjoy talking about my stroke but it makes me remember my pre-stroke life which often saddens me :(

 

My stroke left me completely helpless. I had to relearn to walk, talk, swallow, brush my hair, tie my shoe, write...etc

I had a great team of professionals that helped me recover 90%

 

Today I have two boys. I work full time and I go to school

On the outside I look like im completely fine

However, my brain is broken....im broken

 

I once read that victims of brain injury who near fully recover sometimes have the hardest time finding acceptance. That is definitely me.

 

Its like when you are a child and your dog dies and your parents go out the next day and buy you a dog that looks exactly the same.

 

I may look and sound the same, but I am very different...

 

I will always miss the old me. Nobody will miss her more than I do...

 

But this is my new life. Its okay to visit the past, we just cant stay there.

 

Today I move forward. I must let her go....I will always love you Amanda but I have to move on

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Your generous gift of honest transparency

 

and

 

your clear, direct narrative

 

will surely help many.

 

Thank you for telling your story

 

SO WELL, SO TRUTHFULLY, SO POETICALLY.

 

Rachel, a caregiver

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Amanda,

So well said.

It is hard to accept...you are changed forever....

I wake up hoping that suddenly William will be the same,,,but I do know that that will never happen.

He is a stroke survivor. Recovery will be a lifetime event.

 

Thank you for the sharing.

Ruth

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Amanda:

 

I used to have hard time accepting my post stroke life too, but slowly & steadily I realized I am still me & new me has lot of good qualities & wisdom, so now I love new me & my new life though this acceptance journey wasn't easy one. but I am proud to say I worked hard for it & today feel even greatful for my stroke which woke me from my sleepwalking through without enjoying every moment with my loved ones. hope you find that kind of peace soon, though I find your story quite inspiring.

 

hugs,

Asha

 

 

Asha

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HI I HAVE HARD TIMES TOO ACCEPTING MY STROKE!SOME DAYS ARE HARDER THEN OTHER DAYS. I THINK YOU ACCEPT YOUR NEW ..NORMAL,,BUT DEEP DOWN INSIDE, YOU STILL MISS THE OTHER YOU. BEST WISHES. PATTY

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Hi Amanda, Thanks for posting. You definitly hit te nail on the head for lots of us I'm guessing. you certainly did for me. I have a friend who survived a left MCA stroke at the ag of 21. She still struggles with aphasia but is improving. She fully recovered er motor functions and now walks witout a cane or brace having a vey normal appearing git. She looks so good in fact it throws people off when she annoy find a word due to her aphasia. Everybody expects tat she's as 'normal' as everybody else but ince she isnt she has to deal with the stress of cluing people in to the notion that she still has difficulty with some things. Ad for me, Im still walking with a brace, a quad can and a spasic left leg that refuses to bend when asked. So its obvious to anybody that sees me walk that Im not normal. I told her I was sirry that she had to deal ith the expectations game. I told her that because of my gait , if I don't face plant constantly I get high fives and kudos but because she looks so normal; nobody sees when she struggles and that makes her feel isolated. At least you're here where you can share these things with people that get it, I too know hat my recovery will be a life long process but I sure am hoping the motor stuff will get better sooner rather than later. I agree with Asha adapting to and loving the new you isn't always easy but I'm sure it will help you feel peaceful and happy when you get there. Wishing you peace and happiness and god health too :o)

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Yup, I still struggle, too. I'm eight years out. I was 26 when I stroked. I look normal too, but am unable to work much. I constantly find myself apologizing for my inabilities. When will I be ok with letting people down? I'm harder on myself than anyone else is on me! I'm glad that you are doing so well, Amanda. Moving on with life.

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