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This week I can't stop crying


julskovac

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My husband had a hemmorage aneurysm on January 24, 2011. He spent 3 weeks in the hospital followed by 10 weeks in two separate rehab facilities. I spent nearly every day of that time visiting him while dealing with my full time work schedule and taking care of our home. It seemed so hard and time consuming but everyone said I'm a "rock" and his best inspiration. Finally the day came when he could come home. Easter Sunday of all days - the resurection! I took 2 weeks off from work to be with him. It was so exciting. Little did I know that it would be so hard. When he was in the hospital there were nurses and therapists to take care of his every need. Not that he needs that much. He's made a great recovery. He came home with a walker and a cane and hasn't used the cane once. He can go up and down the stairs (one of my biggest concerns). He makes his own breakfast though sometimes it comes out a bit more overcooked than he would like.

 

Up until this point it has been so surreal. Even the first week was just a crazy adjustment with in-home therapists coming and going and trying to determine some kind of schedule. I was so very exhausted. But, this week after all this time I think reality has finally hit me. You see, he's not the same person I married. He was always the loud, opinionated person who had all the answers. He was intense in his interest in life. Everything was an issue, a challenge and very, very exciting. We actually work for the same company so I always seem him. At work people say we're the "cutest couple" because we're together all the time. On weekends we hike and had the greatest conversations about everyone and everything.

 

Now that seems to be gone. Maybe some of it will come back but I'm fairly certain that all of it will not. And this second week I just can't stop crying. I cry when he just sits in front of the tv for hours on end. I cry when, no matter what I try, he WILL NOT pick up the guitar and play it though he is an absolutely fantastic jazz guitarist. I cry when my son is home and he just looks at my husband wondering where the old dad is. I actually broke down and sobbed in front of him and asked him when he'll start caring again. Yesterday we went out for a drive and short walk and then stopped at Yvonne's restaurant for lunch. He walked in slowly with his cane and sat down with some unease. We didn't talk too much but we did have a conversation. The waitress and I waited while he made up his mind what to eat. It was very nice, really. We wrapped the rest of my meal to take home and went to the car. As he was getting in an older gentleman came walking out and said "excuse me dearie, I think you forgot your leftovers". I started to apologize but he said "not a problem you have alot of other things to worry about". Well, I got into the car and broke down again.

 

Tomorrow I go back to work. I have a whole new set of worries ahead of me. My son is planning on staying home most of the summer to help out and then he goes back to Brooklyn where he has an apartment and is planning on starting school again. It will be ok. I just miss him so very much.

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Julia, it is amazing what we learn to live with. It is such early days for you yet, you just don't know what is ahead of you. I do know life will get better, easier to cope with. I don't think it will go back to what it was.

 

I guess you are sorting out care needs for him now, transport to physio, medical appointments etc or is your son going to handle all of that?

 

I gave up work to look after Ray as he had a lot of deficits including loss of balance,it took the therapists over three months to teach him to walk at all and he still is wobbly on his feet. I couldn't have left him on his own.

 

I wonder now if I could have got some care for him and worked part-time but as they say: hindsight is 20/20.So I guess as we all do, I did what I thought was right for us both at the time.

 

Welcome to our blog community, I hope you find a lot of support here.

 

Sue.

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Julia:

 

welcome to wonderful world of blogging. your blog reminded me our initial days when I just came home from hospital & how our whole life had changed in an instant. I feel first year is the hardest of all adjusting to your complete new reality I mourned loss of my old self for first 2 years. I could not stop crying, I am sure he is mourning for his loss different way than we women do. It took me solid couple of years to pick up pieces of my life & make best out of my every new day. Today I can look back at my life & see stroke as just bump in my life's journey to slow me down & enjoy the scenary & my life ride with my family. Today I feel my life is still very good just little different, but still very good. Though for me blogging regularly & chatting with other stroke survivors have helped me reach to my acceptance stage sooner. Julie give some time to yourself and your husband to adjust to this new reality. love of your life is still there just in different form, give him some time to bounce back into his new world. I am sure together you will create this whole new normal for both of you which will be good too just little different but still good.

 

 

 

Asha

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