This week I can't stop crying
My husband had a hemmorage aneurysm on January 24, 2011. He spent 3 weeks in the hospital followed by 10 weeks in two separate rehab facilities. I spent nearly every day of that time visiting him while dealing with my full time work schedule and taking care of our home. It seemed so hard and time consuming but everyone said I'm a "rock" and his best inspiration. Finally the day came when he could come home. Easter Sunday of all days - the resurection! I took 2 weeks off from work to be with him. It was so exciting. Little did I know that it would be so hard. When he was in the hospital there were nurses and therapists to take care of his every need. Not that he needs that much. He's made a great recovery. He came home with a walker and a cane and hasn't used the cane once. He can go up and down the stairs (one of my biggest concerns). He makes his own breakfast though sometimes it comes out a bit more overcooked than he would like.
Up until this point it has been so surreal. Even the first week was just a crazy adjustment with in-home therapists coming and going and trying to determine some kind of schedule. I was so very exhausted. But, this week after all this time I think reality has finally hit me. You see, he's not the same person I married. He was always the loud, opinionated person who had all the answers. He was intense in his interest in life. Everything was an issue, a challenge and very, very exciting. We actually work for the same company so I always seem him. At work people say we're the "cutest couple" because we're together all the time. On weekends we hike and had the greatest conversations about everyone and everything.
Now that seems to be gone. Maybe some of it will come back but I'm fairly certain that all of it will not. And this second week I just can't stop crying. I cry when he just sits in front of the tv for hours on end. I cry when, no matter what I try, he WILL NOT pick up the guitar and play it though he is an absolutely fantastic jazz guitarist. I cry when my son is home and he just looks at my husband wondering where the old dad is. I actually broke down and sobbed in front of him and asked him when he'll start caring again. Yesterday we went out for a drive and short walk and then stopped at Yvonne's restaurant for lunch. He walked in slowly with his cane and sat down with some unease. We didn't talk too much but we did have a conversation. The waitress and I waited while he made up his mind what to eat. It was very nice, really. We wrapped the rest of my meal to take home and went to the car. As he was getting in an older gentleman came walking out and said "excuse me dearie, I think you forgot your leftovers". I started to apologize but he said "not a problem you have alot of other things to worry about". Well, I got into the car and broke down again.
Tomorrow I go back to work. I have a whole new set of worries ahead of me. My son is planning on staying home most of the summer to help out and then he goes back to Brooklyn where he has an apartment and is planning on starting school again. It will be ok. I just miss him so very much.