At this time of the year I always feel a joy mixed with sadness. This year for me Christmas comes at the end of what has been a year of great pain and suffering as I watched my two loved ones deteriorate. I was just starting to cope with Ray dying on September 19^th and having hardly come to terms with that to also having my dear Mum die only two months and a day later was very hard. I could be morbid and maybe wished I could have erased 2012 from the calendar. But that would be to erase my darling granddaughter Alice born last June who lights up my life too. There were so many good things as well as bad things in my year.

So somehow I have to accept and rejoice in what is good, at the same time accepting and coping with what is bad. My faith in God has helped me to do this. I know not everyone understands this and that is okay, I find one way of being strong and some of my dear friends find another path to the same place. I also have the prayer support of friends who share my faith and my fellow church members. Other friends might express their support as "positive thoughts" and that is okay too.

If anyone holds out the hand of friendship I take it willingly. I have made friends with a couple of the new Mums who have brought their children to Sunday School and one left a casserole for me the day of Mum's funeral. I really appreciated that. It is the goodwill gesture of one country girl to another. It is lovely that a few people gave me flowers, some from a florist's but others from their own gardens, I just loved that.

I need to be part of a community that knows how to celebrate life. I miss Ray and I miss Mum and I need to know people understand that. I want to go on enjoying life despite the pain.So many people at Mum's funeral were there, not because they knew Mum but because they had heard my account of the journey we had shared together. It was good that from that they had glimpsed through my wordds, the life of Mum and the way she used to be, strong, feisty but also kind and thoughtful. She too was a great prayer warrior and a woman of God. I want to recall those memories now and see her as she was, warts and all, good and not so good. Not putting her on a pedestal but just acknowleging her as my Mum.

Here you have known Ray also through my words, my posts and my blogs. I only got him on here a few times in chat and that was not enough for his personality to shine through. But you have seen him through my eyes, just as I have seen William through Ruth's eyes and Bruce through Debbie's. We caregivers are proud of our survivors and want our friends to know not only the struggle we go through but also that the ones we love have inspired that love and loyalty in us. I have felt so supported by those who have accepted Ray and I as a couple.

Of course like others on here Ray and I had lost many friends in real life, those who could not deal with Ray's disabilities and the fact that I too had to change to accomodate those disabilities. I know even my own children sometimes wondered if I was not making a bit too much of what we could and could not do. I accept that people feel awkward around the disabled, don't know what to say, don't know how to accept the changes. It will be interesting to see if any of those "lost friends" come back now I am a widow and Ray is gone.

In my journey with Ray with his battle with strokes, fits and seizures and dementia and with Mum with her battle with Alzheimers I was often tempted to give up. I wanted to go back to my old life, it is human nature to think that that is a possibility. Of course it wasn't possible, what would you do on your own, after abandoning the one you love? Sometimes I wanted to give up working to make things better for Ray, supervising his PT and OT, fighting for more hours of therapy. I hear that echoed in so many posts and blogs as people cry: "what about me and my needs?" But as caregivers we can't give up working to make the lives of our loved ones better.

There were times when I even started to give up my faith in God. Luckily that never happened. The prayer support of others saw to that. I am constantly reminded of the goodness of others on my journey. I am so grateful for the many invisbile little old ladies who added me to an already full prayer list. I'll pay that forward as time goes by.

I have experienced a lot of sorrow in my life. I have been with others who suffered too especially in my time as a volunteer Hospital Chaplain. I have worked with a lot of older people and seen them live in increasing pain. Life is not always fair and does not choose to be kind to the faithful and the good. I have learned to accept that too. I know how painful living with a disability can be. No caregiver can just be an unaffected observer when the one they love is in pain.I have cried many nights because I could not just make Ray better!

I have felt despondent over the pain of others, Dad with cancer, Mum with the mental anguish of Alzheimers and her inability to come to terms with the death or "disappearance" as she saw it of my Dad, the one who had been everything to her for so many years. And of course in my own journey with Ray.So often I have asked myself: "what can I do to help?" and felt helpless when there was no real answer. Sometimes, especially with Mum all I could do was offer companionship and practical aid,"a nice cup of tea". And continue to just go on looking after her as if she, not I , were the child now. Even in the Dementia Lodge and Nursing Home she still felt like my responsibility.

What we can do to help others is mostly to just be with them, let them vent, get the feelings and emotions out in the open. It was a skill I learned as a telephone counsellor. At first it was hard not to feel uncomfortable with the words they said or the extent and power of their emotions but it seemed to get easier as time passed. People do feel exaggerated emotions, I do myself from time to time. I have been away for four days down visiting my family down the South Coast. I walked in the back door this afternoon and promptly burst into tears. There was no-one to welcome me home! Even while Ray was in the nursing home of course I came home to an empty house but I could then visit him and tell him of my travels, what was done, what was said. Now there is no-one to tell.

There is a lot fo healing in simply having others acknowledge your pain, having someone accept where you are right now. I have appreciated the loving kindness of others who are willing to express their care. This support has enabled me to stay strong. I realise that I have lost many I thought of as friends but I have also found a lot of wonderful well-wishers. In both the facilities my loves ones were in, Berkeley Vale NH and Nareen Gardens NH I have had the privilege of both ministering to others and having others minister to me. I have been able to befriend others, patients, staff and fellow caregivers. I am hoping some of those friendships will continue.

There are I am sure many good times still ahead of me.