This transition to widowhood has been easier than expected. That is because the good bye was a long one. 3 months before William died, my son, had come down to visit. He told me that William was declining and suggested that I look into hospice. I wasn't ready for that. But it got me into really thinking about life without William. So my good bye was a long one. Then the month that I put him into hospice was the real start of the end. Everyday was like the last time that I might see William alive. Especially when I had to put that hospital bed in the living room. Then the last week was really hard. That was when I afraid to leave the house because I felt that every breath was going to be the last one. The good bye was soooo long. I am so happy that William is out of this life. He so wanted to get out of that hospital bed. But, I was not able to get him out by myself. I felt so bad. I had been able to take care of him by myself when he was able to give me some help. But at the end he could not help me anymore.
I am taking classes at the community college, taking bible studies and getting involved with the church. I did start going to a different church because the one that I went to with William would hold too many memories. I walk the dogs on long walks. I still go to the gym every morning. I like to swim and started doing the machines this year. The gym does not hold a lot of memories with William because he did not come but a few times. It is freeing to be able to be out and about. I no longer have to rush home and check on William. I don't have to stop and by him something special to eat. I don't have to save part of my lunch for him to share. I will be going on vacation with my son to Mexico. in early November. I will visit him at Thanksgiving and Christmas. This will be the first time in 10 years that I have left the house and flown. I am planning on going on a mission trip with the church to Mexico. in January. I will go on the women's retreat also. I may possibly go on another mission trip to Kenya. It is so amazing that I can actually leave the house and do stuff. Life is going on and sometimes I get a little sad. But nothing like the 3 months before William died. I will decide on when to move out to California with my son. I am going to wait for a year then get my things together to move. The last week that William was living was when I packaged up most of his things. Now, I just have get myself together and get my clutter under control and start the process of moving.
I have gotten a lot of the paperwork done. This has coincided with my pension starting. But, fortunately all of this paperwork has been mine to deal with for years. But, I hate paperwork and procrastinate.
It is amazing! I am able to sleep at night. THat last month was so hard. I could not sleep at night. William was always up and so was I. I sometimes wake up at 1AM and then am able to fall back to sleep. I am at peace. When William was here, I had to very vigilant 24 hours of the day. I did not sleep a lot. I awoke at the least little movement or noise. I just thank God that I am able to get a good night's sleep.