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Suffering

SassyBetsy

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Suffering is something I am good at. I ha ve constant pain, not chronic. I am always in pain. It is my life. I am able to color and watch movies and eat and do thngs that they determine are all signs that I am not having a 10 day. 

 

I am in the hospital right now. I had to get myself to urgent care, then they sent me to the 

ER and then IWAS put upstairs. cellulitis again in my legs, but this time my right heel has a bed sore. not a blister, this is agony, who will get me what I need while I am in the hospital.... well the nurse last nite let me sleep. Islept over  8 hours. I woke like a banshee and with twice the attitude of queen of them. I blamed them for all of it everything and then I got some meds in me and was fine. no one understands me. 

 

I must return in a couple of days or lose my bed in the hom

 

I need to sleepn now and the nurse says she will wake me. 

 

Good morning

I am waiting for an MRI. I have a bed sore on my heel. I thought it was a blister, OMG ! I want to scream. I was going to get an electrode and now this. I never get rest.I want to be happy now, I need to go go home to rest but now this. I want to go home to rest but I

Must get an MRI b4 I can go, finish antibiotics and go home to the place I call home now, or be alone homeless. I want to cry, I feel alone. My son did not want to come to hospital to visit. No flowers, but my best friend told me a care package for mothers day awaits me in the the mail,so hey I am loved. One love is enough for me. I polished my nails yesterday, I feel better with red nails.

 

The pain management team member visited,told me I am on too much pain meds so that hurts me more, I need less meds to feel better, I nearly felt crazy, I said yes I want an electrode, but it took years to get this cocktail all day to be figured out.  I cried, I mean it makes me feel nuts to cry in front of people, no reason but mad at mean people who confuse me, fail to listen, no compassion, of course I take a lot I fail to understand how can I take less when 

I hurt so much more than in my dreams..I need cry to feel better then 

Empty

Alone

What is my goal today they ask me as I lay writhing in pain screaming for help,a pill,a shot,relief

The goal?to

Be normal,walk,smile,be happy,be nicer,what goal,on what planet am I on,what time dimension am I from...am I in purgatory.....they ask me seriously.....  l wish I knew the goal. Am I  for real can anyone tell me in a nice voice that I am going to be ok and return to what I used to call nohrmal?

 

It is a nightmare to be alive in this pain,alone in pain,alone without love yet my son tells me I am loved but he is busy as children grow live a life apart,and I feel regrets for things because NO ONE IS HERE!

 

I know I lived a good life helping others yet here I am alone on an island, stroke took me away in a boat to a place where I cann of even talk right when I am sick,I cannot walk when I am sick,and then they look at me as if I am faking it, but the docs say stroke makes it this way,then it went away. I feel better and it is not easy to explain to people I was ill,stroke deficits returned, and now my shaking is done, I can see better now,and I am a better yet weaker me.

  I am whole and again myself.

I was scared. I called neurologist,he looked over my case and called me saying I not need him, hooray. Then hospital antibiotics, I am o n day 6 now, time to go home or I will lose my bed. Am I this ill...

They don't know.

 

   Please send me home.

Or I will not be allowed to return to my pretty room.

 

 

 

                                                                                                                            .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                



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Oh Pam... So many hugsss my friend!!! I cannot even imagine how you are feeling. It breaks my heart to hear your cry. I am here for you no matter ever! I wish I could just pick you up and make everything better. You are in my prayers Pam. I see you...i hear you. ❤️🙏

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Pam, I just had five days in hospital with cellulitis, got it in my melanoma affected leg. It was very painful. I hate being in hospital but in order to get the right antibiotics I had to stay there.  I hope things work out better for you soon. I wish you pain free days.

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THANK YOU Tracy for the understanding. Thank you Sue for sharing. I have lymphedema in both legs,which makes the problem of circul!tion. I hwiave pumps to put on trwice a day. It pumps up and down my leg. I feel goodafterward. On the foot that has the black sore on the heel I have to wear this boot thing it's all puffy and I can't walk on it so I have to take it off if I have to get up and go to the bathroom it's a big pain but it does make my foot feel better to not have any pressure on that support and I'm going to have to go to the wound clinic about that and see what the next step will be. But as far as my lymphedema goes I have to start all over and do these wraps compression wraps with bandages to try and get the water off my legs again and then I can get fitted for these velcro circaid juxta Lite velcro wraps and they'll be in a small size to keep my legs small and not puffed up like they are now so they don't want me to go until I get rap three days in a row. It's really a pain for me to get picked up and taken over there three days in a row I did it before and I just can't believe that because they didn't keep me rap at the nursing home and I didn't get those things to where and then my cellulitis just returned and I've put so much effort into trying to stay well but they're not helping me. So they say just lay in bed with your legs up in the air but what I need is the compression and I need these things to be ordered by the doctor. So anyway today I got to try out the pump and I really enjoyed it I just sat there for an hour and colored and the time went by and it made my legs feel great. So I'm hoping that in the future this is going to help prevent getting my leg infections. I really have to do that so that I can get overdo the clinic hanging get the spinal. I don't know what's going to happen about the rest of the things that I need I'm just taking one step at a time. I'm sorry that you're going through all these things to but it does help to know I'm not alone. It is really horrible to be in the hospital so lonely experience but I didn't appreciate that the food was really good. And it's a sorry transition now but I really need to stop eating such rich foods. LOL well I'm sorry that oh that happened to the melanoma leg because that leg deserves a rest I hope that everything is under control and that you won't have to do much to it.

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