As some of you know about the old boyfriend who wanted me to call him. He called me last night. Nice guy, good call, no akward pauses, but not for me. He is only a year younger then I am, but at times I felt decades older then him.

He brought up things I didn't remember. Like the time I was 15 and he was 14 and according to him, we were making out on the dock by the school cafeteria during halftime at a football game. He claims I taught him how to kiss. I was the older chick and that idea pumped him up, but again according to him, we were together 2 months and we broke up. Do I remember that? No, I don't. But if he wants to remember it that way, well he isn't infringing any copyrights.

Fast forward to I was 19 or 20, that made him 18 or 19 and we were dating. He had a different memory then I did. He asked me why I broke up with him and I said I didn't remember the details of what infraction he committed. Am I supposed to remember everything I did or said? Have memories become something we are supposed to keep for at least 7 years, like bank statements??? In answer to that[ in my own defense] I got on with the process of living life, I got married, bought and renovated houses, had 2 kids, worked full time, had a stroke. Which of course brings up another subject entirely, I was a different shallow person pre stroke. I think it could be another blog entry on how different internally I am now vs. to pre stroke.

I will say this though. In talking to him, I dropped a bit of Philosphy on him, whoosh it went right over his head. I brought up Zen, I brought up inner life. I brought up poets. He asks me if I was now a smart person who was wierd? I replied that I doubted someone became a smart person by going to Target and purchasing it. That I always had been smart but let it lay dormant. I bit my tongue and didn't point out that he called himself a college graduate????

So yes, he is still small town, at one point it was comforting to talk to someone that knew me then, someone who was raised in a familiar area and way, we knew the same people, lived threw the same times, we knew one another, we weren't strangers. But really the irony is this, we don't know one another, we don't have the same memories, we are at different points in our life and without asking, I'm sure we want different things in life now. I found it insightful to realize how life experiences can change someon and make them go in a whole new direction on their life journey. Do I feel that my journey has been varied and interesting compared to his? Suire do. He was complaining that a 9 year relationship just ended for him and how it was a waste of 9 years of his life and poor me, blah blah. I did point out that "hey, it could have been a marriage, I was married 20 years and am I whining? The call was interesting in that it hammered home some insights and truths to me.

The biggest one that I know now is there is a difference between the men and the boys. And it isn't just the size of their toys either. I don't feel bad or misplaced or that I don't belong from his call, I feel empowered, comfortable in the fact that I march to a drummers beat of my choosing. I belong because I am strong and a survivor and I have really grown up.

Pam