"You are so beautiful and I love you" says a soft voice. I look into his blue eyes and he takes my hand in his and gives me a loving smile. This would be wonderful if it was the man of my dreams but we are in Mum's dementia lodge and the man who is holding my hand is a resident. He was once a high ranking government official and he is doing and saying what he is because for some reason I remind him of someone he once loved. Aww geewhiz. At least someone loves me.

Not a great week this week. I feel as if I am on the boil all the time, as if just under the surface is a geizer about to pop. Yes, I did have the three day break but I had the visitors too so I guess that negated the "rest and relaxation" idea of the time off. I haven't been able to get to my dementia support group for a couple of meetings nor the stroke support meetings so somehow I feel "unsupported" again. It is back to "Mum can handle it", "Sue you cope so well" etc. I tell others how to fix their problems while my own unravel at the edges.

Ray is fine for a while with the dementia and then suddenly seems to have forgotten one or two things. He is almost emotionless now. As I sat in Nareen Lodge and listened to the protestations of love I wondered how long it was since Ray has said "I love you". Maybe a couple of years, maybe more. He was never an emotionally expressive person, he was a practical person and once said he didn't have to say: "I love you" as I could tell by all the little things he did to please me. So now, long out of the habit, the words are locked away somewhere in the past.

I have been having a "discussion" with my care provider. They have decided as an Agency that you have to "trust the service, not the person" so the nice male nurse we had has been reassigned and we have various people walking in and out of our house. This also means I lose the first twenty minutes of my hour while I tell them where everything is, what they have to do etc. It also means greater confusion with Ray as they rarely say their names often enough for him to figure out who they are. I wish I could say I don't need the service and scrap it, but if I had to shower him every day and went without the three hours respite on Fridays I would probably be in the next room to my dear demented mother.

I have as usual been trying to find positives in all of this. Hmmmmm....thinking...thinking....

I went to a "Womens World Day of Prayer" service this morning. I chatted with a few ladies I don't get enough time to talk to after church. By the time I have taken Ray to the toilet and settled him with a cup of tea and some refreshments the others are settled in little groups and I don't like to try and break in. I also saw a few other familiar faces from other denominations, funnily enough we often bump into each other at functions and funerals. Even with 350,000 people on our coastal strip that is possible. It is good to be in the company of other Christian women. Not that that is where my friendship base is as I have friends from all sorts of backgrounds and from many different places. I am so lucky that way.

I also met the "new" Captain of our local Salvation Army and told him about my two Captains slaving away in the service up at Cairns. I think he was quite interested as this is his third posting and so far he hasn't left New South Wales. He has two children and his wife was a pre-school helper this morning which was why he had taken her place to come and do the Bible readings at the service. Like our two they form a "tag team" and work around family engagements.

Maybe this period of my life is teaching me to live more "in the moment". I have less and less free time now. When I do have free time I don't always know what to do with it. Hard to get to a class when your hour off is 8.15am - 9.15am, or to meet up with friends when you may be held up or have to cancel at a moment's notice. So I have to live life in a way that suits me, in the moments that are not committed to looking after Ray. In the afternoon when he is asleep I can come onto the net, pull up weeds in the garden, read a couple of chapters of a book. Little things that make me feel as if there is small amounts of leisure in my life.

Now maybe tonight I will dream someone is saying: "You are so beautiful and I love you." But maybe not a strange man in his pajamas, but George Clooney at his lounge lizard best.