Christmas Blues

[spokangie]

 

I thought I would get into the xmass spirit and decorate the outside with lights and trinkets..

I was busy for most of the day,, Whew,, . I took a break for lunch and mentioned to my hubby that he should come and see if he likes it..

 

To my surprise it was not the reaction that I expected at all. Outside he looked ok, checking out the string around the garage doors and what I had left to do..

 

Once he went inside I noticed something out of the ordinary.. It was depression, he was almost to the verge of tears.. I asked what is wrong and also if he was upset that he could not help me. He noded yes and hugged me..

I reasured him that it is ok and that next year he better be prepared to do some of the work.. Of course that is only if he is capable. ..

I think he realised just how much he has to depend on me and it hit home for the first time since his stroke..

 

He was not like that at all last year, he was out there helping me unravel the cords.. But this year because of his Pneumonia I though it would be best for him to stay out of the damp weather. It was warm but damp and a chilled wind was blowing.. Gota take care of my man...

 

He started to cheer up while I was decorating the tree,, Told you I am early this year.. ehhehe... ..

 

We went to collect the mail and he got a good look at it at night and nodded that it was nice.. I am happy to say that I am not the only one on my block. Another neighbour put their lights out too.. He nudged me too look and winked at me..

 

Next is finding my xmass cd's...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE.. We are having a quiet one just the two of us..

 

Take care

Angie.. :

[gatorlynn]

Angie

 

I think the holidays must be very hard for our survivors. My husband is able to help a bit but is apathetic about starting things. Also his short term memory is severely impaired so any activity we do he will have forgotten about 30 minutes later.

 

So in our home it is me who can't be bothered. I feel like there is not much to celebrate. My brother died this year and his birthday is Dec 22. I am very grateful that Blaine is home but I feel like the holidays could just be cancelled this year.

 

My sister in law moved in with us to help out and she is a Christmas freak. So she will insist on a certain degree of celebrating. SHe forced me to have Thanksgiving "it will be low key etc, etc" Although we cheated a bit it was still a wole day of cooking and cleaning...

 

If I could afford it I would take Blaine out of town for the holidays.

 

I feel like the holidays will never be right again. Blaine stroked in March so every major holiday was affected.

[jriva]

 

Hi Angie and Lynn,

 

I feel a lot like Lynn does. Cancel Christmas, it's too much trouble. I was never one to decorate very much to begin with and now it seems like: what's the point?

 

My dad died on Christmas day five months before Don had his stroke. The first two Christmas' after both events, most of our stuff was at a different location from where we were living, or in storage, so I had an excuse. Last year I had good intentions, but ended up with just a big bowl of silver balls on the dinning room table and a poinsettia plant that our landscaper sent. This year we have two wreaths for the front of the house to put up. Beyond that, I have no plans. There is something about doing it all alone that takes the fun out of it. Plus our extended families on both sides have quit having parties in recent years---one family got too big, the other got too small---so we have no gifts to buy either.

 

I feel guilty for feeling this way about the holidays because by not doing anything, I'm not only canceling my Christmas spirit, I'm canceling Don's as well. Guilt! Caregivers and mothers never get away from that word, do we.

 

Jean

 

[spokangie]

 

I felt like that last year. I was so overwhelmed with shopping or lack of it. Financially I didn't know where we stood for some months, my hubby took care of that..Emotionally I was drained too and physically.. Going xmass shopping was out as he was not ready to be left alone.. His family was no help in offering and when they did it was only for a short period of time.. That was to say his sister is the only one that spent time with him, the rest offered but were not prepared to take care of business if the occassion arose.. "bathroom care"

He needed 24/7 care they just were not qualified nor wanted to be at that time.. Getting someone in was out of the question, he only wanted me around him, also our insurance had no provision for out patient care..

 

I left it up to my daughters to do some shopping when they came for xmass.. It was hectic for them too but it was done..

 

This year we simplified things, we drew names now we only have to by for that person.. Of course I still want to stuff their stockings but even that has to be done durng my food shopping trips, which last only an hour at a time..

 

I love the hollidays no matter which one.. I also look at every day as a celebration of life.. If I feel like giving something for just no particular reason that day I will.. just because......

 

I am sorry for your loss of your brother, I know how you feel as I had lost a husband 14yrs ago too, my husband also had a loss in his life his life partner of 33 years to cancer.. He watched her suffer for over 4 years. I was the lucky one mine died in his sleep, if you can call it lucky...

 

I felt the same way after my husband died but because I had three little girls hollidays had to continue..Their dad made a real fuss about them..loved company and hollidays.

 

My Lloyd loves to be around people too, he brightens up when my girls come to visit and enjoyes their company.. Prior to his stroke we would go shopping together, he would sit on a bench and one of them would join him with an ice cream cone and they would just sit and talk, waiting for the rest to return.. He never complained once, even though I could see that he was getting tired...

 

We used to go just window shopping.. beleive it or not after his stroke we went to Victoria Secrets to get me some more supplies , He waited for me outside while I chose my unmentionables.. The thing is I thought it was for him we were at the mall, instead he had that planned all allong.. He is my angel I remind him every day how much he means to me, and how lucky I am to be a part of his life..

 

I hope that you will find peace in your heart and celebrate your brothers passing.. also the Stroke that invaded your lives.. Accept it for what it is and work towards a healing of the mind and the body..

 

Take care

Angie

 

[Sudz]

I guess Christmas is bittersweet for a;llof us :survivor or caregiver

as the survivor that always did 90% of Christmas I just can't do it even though there are things gifts baking that are important to me I am having to say , if I can't do it and have to put it on someone else like Wayne guess it isn't important My mother and siblings all live hundreds of miles away I've quit mailing them giftsEven if I could get out to get somethingWayne would have togiftwrap & prepare for mailing

I just cannot allow myself to put that much more pressure on him I have no family right here where we live, my two grown daughters live in a small city 2 hrs away

depending on weather and work schedules don't even know if they will be home Christmsd eve or day - the elder is a nurse and drew the Christmas shift

I'm very fortunate myChildren were grown before this happened

Like everyything else in my life Christmas is just going to have to take on a new look I have lots o junk (treaures) iIlike to display maybe again someday if we'll get them out. Wayne will just have toputthem away

Also

I'm blessedf with what I call "kid therapyI have two nieces from my first marriage that spend alot of time hereBrenda cleans on Mon & Weds&3 prescioulittle bopys always brings two

Annette works as my brain injury suport worker on Tues & Thurs brings her 4 yr old daughter 7 yr old son someyimes 3 yr old neice

It can be wild around here sometimes I long for quiet time - but I would be lost without them

Talking about giving Christmas a different look

I bought myself a new Christmas CD

and a kid's cd

bought some boxed tree cookies for us to decorate want to try a boxed gingerbread house but question the luck ol 'one-hand Sue and 3 and 4 yr olds might have getting it to stand it's only 5 bucks a kit their mom's might have tohelp us,we'llr'll always have the cookie project if we cant get our houses to stand

the above-mentioned children have alot to do with why

I might not put out too many decorations

Just might have to celebrate Christmas as it is meant to be Jesus' borthday and eatingOne thing I;ve learned since my stroke is that convenience foods work, too prepared pie crust will hold pumpkin aswell as one from scratchof course I had to be super mom/wife before this

Life is different now - not necessarily babad, but different

there's my effort at optimism

I bought some rolled,stuffed turkry bt=reasts to try this year

it is a bittersweet timeand for the first time ever I have Pillsbury cookie dough in my fridge

I must get my Christmas letter done I send about 50 cards as friends and family are scattered TX OK WY NVfrom them so I have to send some

Addressing envelopes. folding letters are something my brain wprker and I can worek on

 

I'm off to start my letter

thanks for starting this threadAngie

Christmas is so stressful even under "normal" situations

I know for me it has been good to write out myNew lookChristmas ideas

Might just help the stress level to vent where it is understood

 

 

Susan

[marlen]

BAH, HUMBUG!

 

I'M NOW IN ORLANDO, WHERE THE STREETS, DISNEYWORLD, AND MANY HOMES ARE ELABORATELY DECORATED. I'M ENJOYING THE FRUITS OF EVERYONE ELSE'S LABOR, ALTHOUGH I DID HELP MY SON STRING LIGHTS YESTERDAY.

 

NO GIFT EXCHANGING THIS YEAR. JUST BEING TOGETHER IS ENOUGH. BESIDES, I "MISS" THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET UP AT 4 AM TO STAMPEDE INTO A STORE FOR EARLY MORNING BARGAINS.

 

MY 1st ANNIVERSARY IS COMING UP IN JANUARY. I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO CARE. WE HAVE THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL. SURVIVAL!

ENJOY THIS HOLIDAY SEASON FOR WHAT IT IS, NOT WHAT IT SHOULD OR COULD BE.

 

GOD BLESS EVERYBODY.

 

MARTY

[jstern]

Prior to my stroke I would participate in the day after Thanksgiving ASSAULT SHopping as I call it. But then my son was young then,too and had things I needed to purchase... Now, there is no way I could get up before dawn and shop till I dropped, because I would drop before leaving the house.

So you see, I have the "empty nest" problem as well as the stroke. Son is only 20 and not married.

Looks like the elves have been busy adding new smiley faces. GREAT, THANK You to the elves.

I am not a good cook so have no responsiblity for a family dinner. My husband assisted in putting up our nativity scene outside(as he always had in the past) and lights on the edge of the roof out front.(I never was keen on heights)

 

I just don't seem to be catching the holiday 'frenzy' spirit. That can be good and bad at the same time. I want to get my hubby something to let him know I think he's #1 in the whole world...but what to get him is a problem Anything I would/could buy would be with money he earned as I no longer work. I find myself falling into that pit of dispair thinking I have nothing to contribute to our marraige any longer. I feel like I'm as useful as a teet on a boar.

[jkirshenbaum]

Janice, Janice, Janice.... that so-called holiday spirit is a marketing gimmick so you are smart not to succumb. What you contribute to your marriage is you -- your existence and your presence in your husband's life. It's not what you do but who you are. Get out of the pit and stand up there on top where you belong. We have very little $ since we are both out of work. For Xmas we are buying ourselves a joint gift - a new 2-line phone for our kitchen. (The old one conked out.) Not very romantic, but a necessity and it is what we both would like.

Jean

[spokangie]

 

Janice we too are empty nesters, my daughters are in Canada, his sons are scattered, one in Alaska one in Seattle the other here but not here :

 

Our girls are coming for xmass if only for a few days, but it will be great having them here..

 

I too am not a great cook but do ok.. the girls promised to help with the cooking they are at the age that they like to experiment.. This year it will be Turkey, roast and yorkshire pudding.. Heard you can by the prepacked mix,, good thing.. :

 

Even before his stroke I was the one that went overboard with decorating. This year I am keeping it low key,, no garland on the ceiling.. good thing too, our ceilings are 10ft open beam.. I am vertically challenged.. too..

 

 

We drew names in our family this year, lessens the burden of shopping..After seing the freaky frenzy at the stores I would not get close to them if they were giving it away free..

 

As far as purchasing a gift for my sweetie,, I did that in October bought him down vests and jacked from LLBean and co, on line.. got one for me to from him . He liked it very much..

Gift bying and giving wont' be a hassle for me this year.. Keeping it simple..

 

Since the tree went up and the lighted garland his spirits have been improving..

 

Might as well look forward to the good and leave behind the bad.. We are looking forward to spending the hollidays with friends and family.. Doors will be open to whomever likes to cross the threshold.. Xmass Cheer will prevail in our household, a tradition we will keep as long as we can..

 

Take care

 

Angie

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest HostLinda]

Happy Holidays to my Friends..

 

I too am having a hard time this year with Christmas.. I know we need to be very thankful in what we all have.. I am very thankful for still having Mike here and of course our sons too.. Just this up and down feeling everyday it getting hard to handle..As like so much of us here not enough money to buy what we would like too. Very little for under the tree this year even for our grandson.. I know money and gifts are not importent But they are nice.. I know we all need to remember the REAL reason for christmas is Christ birth.. And I am thankful that We do know Christ.. That is the way we get through things everyday.. God Bless

 

HostLinda

[cpopevis]

Hi All,

 

My parents have a rule about Christmas. They get what the need and want all year long, so there is no gifts at Christmas. For the past three years, I haven't even sent out cards. I don't know what to say, as I am not in the Christmas spirit. This year is even harder now that I live with my parents. I have decided that the true meaning of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Christ. It is not the marketing holiday that it has become. I also live in a small town now and not a big city. That will change your attitude quicker than anything. I will send cards this year to a few choice people, but I am not doing anything else except celebrating that I am with my mom, whom I love more than anything.

 

Cyndi

[swilkinson]

I added to this to bring it back on view.

The expressions of how other survivors and caregivers feel about Christmas have been some of my feelings too over the last six years.

I am one of the fortunate ones as we will have children and grandchildren to share with. But like Jean, my Dad as ill Christmas 1999 and died Jan 2, 2000 so Christmas has some bitter sweet memories for me too. And Mum won't be coming home this year as she is too confused in company.

Just wishing you all the best as you continue to build some of the really worthwhile things back into your lives. And if you can't "Be of good cheer" this year, well there is always next year.

Sue.

[pprovost]

Christmas is hard for me too. If I was able I would be baking up a storm but I have to remind myself of what Christmas is about. It is about families thinking well of each other ( hopefully) it is also about being grateful. I wish the whole commercial aspect could be trashed. But alas, it will continue to be about shopping and spending and eating obscene amounts of food. If I had my way I would just stay home with my own tree and music and be with hubby and me.

 

Pat

 

[spokangie]

I went into our local supermarket today and was shocked to see Christmass trees for sale as well as all the other stuff..Thanksgiving stuff is still out sitting there and here they are already pushing Christmass..

 

This year we are going to have a quiet Christmass, even though we are closer to my family some wont be able to be here..Their boyfriends also have family and we have to respect that too..

One of my daughters said to me, You know mom it is Christmass every day at your house,you have it in your spirit and your love for us..so don't be disapointed that we are not there this year..What we miss that day, we can make it up the rest of the year.. I like her reasoning...

 

The only thing that I ask of this Christmass is that my family is well..We have had such a rough start to November we could use a good December..

 

I know it is early but Happy Thankgiving to all,,enjoy the turkey and trimmings and good company and cheer..

 

Take care

 

Angie

[Kj mcmeekin]

Hi Angie:

 

I'm having a really tough time getting into the holiday spirit. Thanksgiving was nice but I'm not really looking forward to X-mas. Of course our financial situation has really changed since Chris became ill - I've been trying to tell myself that X-mas is just not about gifts. But when your used to buying for people and don't know if you can do that this year - it's tough on the mind.

 

I have the same problem with Chris - since he was a very active man before the stroke - it's very difficult for him just to sit and do nothing. He is constantly wanting to do the dishes, dust, run the sweeper. I can't imagine him doing this with one hand - but maybe I should let him do it so he feels like he is contributing to the household work.

 

Saturday he wants to go outside and put up the lights. I'm not really interested but I need to work on my own attitude and just get out there and help and make it a family event.

 

Kim

[jriva]

 

 

Hi Everyone,

 

This thread was started last year (2004) and when I posted on it back then I was in the cancel-Christmas-what's-the-point mode. This year is different. I'm actually looking forward to getting out some decorations and putting it up this weekend while we're still on a break from speech classes. I'm even looking forward to doing Christmas cards this year. It's been a long haul getting to this point---5 1/2 years out from Don's stroke and 6 years out from my dad's death on Christmas.

 

I think in the first year we have to give ourselves a free pass from worrying about the holiday. Then after that we have to try to work our way back into the spirit until one year we wake up and actually feel the spirit has come back without effort.

 

Jean

 

P.S. to Kim: My husband can dust and vacuum one-handed from a wheelchair. By all means let yours try to do things he wants to do so long as he's not endangering himself. He may not do as good of a job as you would, but self-esteem is worth more than a spotless floor or a little dust left behind.

 

 

[spokangie]

 

Hi Kim

 

Things are a bit different for us this year too, we have had a huge financial event happen. We had to file the big B.. we were burried so deep that at our age the bills would be left to the living..It was a very hard decission for us, we had to swallow our pride and go living, that was the advice of our attorney..So now that our credit is down the toilet and our bank account shrinking there will have to be some prioritising being done this Christmass..

My family understands our situation and as alwasy told us they don't need anything. I loved shopping for the hollidays, we used to do it together..now even I hate going to the malls, trying to dodge the crowds..especially with is wheelchair..That is if he feels like going..

I have no clue what I will do this Christmass for gifts, even stocking stuffers become a problem..To tell you the truth I can't get into the spirit of shopping neither..I am drained just trying to get everything aranged for my hospital stay next week that Christmass shoping is the last thing on my mind..

One of my girls will be coming this weekend and I am going to have her take my tree out and help me decorate it..I won't be able to do much bending after my surgery, I could use her help..Early, sure but it may get my spirits up..

Maybe even get the outside done too, that is if I can talk her boyfriend to come early enough..in the day..

If I were you I would let your husband do as much as you think is safe for him to do..Don't worry he will tell you if it is too much for him..I have to nudge mine to do things. Even though it is only walking to the bathroom, or to the kitchen..or to go shopping with me..My Lloyd can't stand on his own and has no use of his right arm, he has to hold on to the hemi walker, so doing dishes is out..

If he wants to help outside decorating let him just supervise him so he doesn't get hurt..That is therapy to for them,,it makes them feel they are acomplishing something..

 

Hope you find your Christmas spirit..

Take care

Angie

 

[richman]

This will be the first Christmas without my ex-fiance, who has left forever, and as a stroke survivor.

 

The frenzied marketing campaigns by retailers to buy, buy, buy Christmas presents does seem to be getting louder, more perverse, and more alienating. It's sometimes difficult to find true peace of mind and tranquillity during the Christmas holiday season.

 

And Christmas, at times, does seem to intensify or highlight our losses, the changes that have occurred in our lives since the last Christmas (especially for the worse), and remind us of people who are gone.

 

But putting up decorations, listening to Christmas music, and even watching perennially corny but happy movies like "White Christmas" (Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye), can evoke positive connections to the sweetness and innocence of Christmases past, when Life was better and brighter. The celebration of Christmas is one of the few constants in our lives, that can't be undone by stroke, illness, floods, Iraqi wars, financial downturns, or broken relationships. A simple, cheap Christmas tree ornament hanging in a dollar store doesn't lose its sheen and can still magically transport us back to a better time in the past, where our long-term memory can retrieve better pictures, even if our short-term memories have been damaged by the Stroke Gods.

 

If the Christmas lights go dark, then we may as well thrown in the towel. IMHO.

 

-Joe

[jwatrous]

Angie -

sorry, but as a stroke survivor for 21 years this month, it is a killer NOT to be able to help, even at xmas, but sometimes, like your hubby, it hits hard, when you least expect it -

Give him a hi for me, telling him I really understand his pain

June :ranting: :secret:

[Budweiser]

This is my first christmas without my wife (separated). I felt sad but why should I ruin it wit heveryone else. So I went out the other day and bought a new tree (small one) and put stuff out yesterday. Bud was so good just looking at me while I was doing it. Every year I had to put Bud in another room so I could get the christmas stuff on. Today, I thought, it is so nice out I'll buy outdoor lights to put on my balcony. I just finished and Bud just laid down on the balcony and he watched me put the lights on. I needed that, I don't want to make other people to be sad. I'm always trying to be happy so why should I change. Everyday happy makes it easier then try to be sad.

 

Try to be happy

 

I would say "turn that frown upside down"

 

 

Bill :cloud9:

[Guest lwisman]

I find one thing that really helps me this time of year is to pay attention to donating. Two weeks ago it was announced in my church that they were collecting for toys. You pick out a request and buy toys and bring to the church or you can donate money. Today the pastor said they had more because the agency they use had 4000 requests. Last year they had 3000.

 

The economy (at least in my part of the world) is obviously getting worse.

 

Helping the less advantaged helps me to be thankful for what I have.

[Guest bessy]

 

never say never to tell you the truth ive always been down round christmas the only things that have cheered me upwere my kids and grand son hubby included my family goes all out for the holiday but for me i just count it as another day the house is all decorate d out side with lights we dont put up the tretil my youngest daughters birth day dec 11before my stroke the tree cam down schrismas night ive never been fond of christmas since loosing my father at the age of 13 righ t before xhristmas may be thats why i shun christmas course last year was a great one i got a lap top from santa a policwscanner so can liaten to the calls the fire dept makes there right next door ie beenemployed with our police dept from the town we had moved from my christmas wish for this year is that the people that want to buy our property backof that would make it great so cheer up christmas is only 1 day a year big smiles weve all had our upsand downsmostly downs yes VIRGINIA THERE IS A SANTA CLAUSE LOL look at iy this way you have made so many new friends on the stroke net and YEAIFE DOES GO on no mattter what yoi take care now wishing you the safeest hoilday there can be i know you said you ex fience left but the father of my grand son has done the same with no help what so ever to my daughter shes raising a 7 year old boy all by her self and doing a darn good job of it i think quitosto her keep in contact talk on site somr time k bessy

[swilkinson]

Like Lin I put the emphasis on giving. As a child Christmas Day was a sad day as we were half way across the world from Mum's family in Engand and she really missed them, but once she had grandkids all that changed and she just loved Christmas for the joy it brought the kids.

 

Here now it is a good time, end-of-the-year gatherings, those once a year letters from old friends, and a few "parties" for the organisations we belong to. Hey it's not THE PARTY season like when we were young but that is often our lack of enthusiasm too.

 

Sure, since the strokes seven years ago it isn't the same, but many things can change that and to say life isn't worthwhile and Christmas has lost its savour is a defeatist attitude and we have to overcome that as best we can. You can't keep dragging the hurts of the past behind you, it slows you down too much.

 

So make the most of the season, and if no-one else gives you what you want, buy yourself something good to make this a memorable one.

 

Sue.

[Phyllis4732]

"So make the most of the season, and if no-one else gives you what you want, buy yourself something good to make this a memorable one."

 

Sue, I did just that. For 3-1/2 years, I haven't had any cologne to wear. I know it comes in all prices but I have 2 favorites- Replique and Estee. So, I was only going to ask the price of Estee when I passed the Este Lauder display and get it when they have their "gift with an X dollar purchase". Actually the older, wiser saleswoman said she'd find me a "gift" and instead of a bunch of things I really don't use and lipstick of the wrong type and color, I figured maybe it would even be better. She offered a travel bag. Not planning on going anywhere but - who knows? Knowing the price of the cologne, it's not something you'd tell someone you wanted, so I just bought it. It has made me so happy - and "I stink real purty too" LOL!

:big_grin:

 

[kristina38]

LOL Phyllis we usually pick out the best gifts for ourselves! I'm really trying to get into the spirit of the season but I just don't feel terribly motivated right now. My birthday is a week from today and I'll be 40 which isn't helping my mood any either LOL. My Mom was always big on Birthdays and Holidays and without her they just seem lackluster at best. Last year it was such a joyous occasion for us, Mom was improving steadily and even oversaw my decorating and menu choices. I made sure we had all the things she always had and my fiance built a beautiful fire in the fireplace for us to open our presents in front of. Mom really enjoyed it and I'm glad we could give her such a happy last Christmas. I'll probably put the tree up sometime this week but right now I'm procrastinating, knowing it's going to be hard emotionally for me to see all her favorite decorations and such. I will also try to do some charity work or at least make some donations in Mom's name for Christmas.

Kristina