Kind of burned-out

[Dayle]

Hello all. My mother had a stroke 5 years ago and she and her husband moved to our town to be closer to me for assistance. Her husband passed away 9 months ago and mom moved in with my husband and me. I quit my job to stay with mom. Lately I am feeling really burned out, tied down, cranky (my poor husband) and also very guilty for feeling this way. I have one sister across the country, so there is no help there. I have only had someone stay with mom once for 8-9 hours when we went out of town with friends. I feel I have to get away and take a break, but that seems like the impossible dream. Any suggestions for what to do when you

[jstern]

I'm just a suvivor and my view of your situation is different than another caregiver. But it looks to me like you need to make time for yourself and not get lost in the care of your mom... I'm sure she appreciates your efforts and sacrifices you've made, it's time to take care of yourself.

 

[Dayle]

Thanks for your reply and you're "not just a survivor" you truly understand things from my mom's point of view. You're right, I do have to try and make some time for myself as difficult as that may be. Guess I was just having a bad day, but I'm already feeling better and much more optimistic about things. I love my mom very much and want to make her as happy as I possibly can. Thanks again for the reply and good luck to you.

[Guest greyhe]

Hello Dayle;

 

First thing is to read the caregivers bill of rights located in the classic postings forum. Second thing is to start a journal, or even use our blog community. It is VERY thereapudic to get those feelings out of your mind and in the open. Third, look into home health, adult day care, friends, or any other service to sit with your mom for a few hours a week so you can out of the home and away. Spend some quality time with your husband and by yourself.

 

Never feel quitly about what feelings you may have. You're a human and are allowed to have these feelings.

 

Hoping for the best!

 

Michael

[Kj mcmeekin]

Hi Dayle and Welcome!!!

 

I am caregiver for my husband who has had 2 strokes. Being a caregiver IS a tough job.

 

I truly understand how you feel. Don't get down on yourself for your feelings. I also cannot leave my husband alone.

 

Check into your mother's insurance. Maybe you could get an aide to help you out for a few hours a week.

 

When my hubby came home after his strokes, his family doctor TOLD ME that I MUST have a 2 hour break per week to regenerate myself. So every week, wether it is alone or with my daughter or my mother I make sure on a Sunday that I get that break. It really helps me to be able to come back to the situation.

 

I hope you find a solution - because you need to take care of yourself!!!!!

 

Stay in Touch...............

 

Kim

[Dayle]

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. Most of the time I am able to deal with things quite well, but occasionally I have a little "melt-down". My mothers life as changed so dramatically and having also lost her husband who she was extremely close to has been another blow for her. I miss the once witty, energetic person she was, but I also am fortunate to have her at all. Many people who have lost a loved one would gladly take my place. Thanks for letting me vent and I am trying to pull together plans for a visit with my friends this weekend. Bless you all!

[bstockman]

Hi Dayle, I am a survivor and have been caregiver also in the past.

You are doing a very difficult job and having it be a family member (mother) makes it even more difficult. You are going to have some melt downs, I don't know of anyone who can go 24/7.....

It is very important to your own sanity, mental and physical health that you get a break...this is nothing to feel guilty about..hope your plans with friends works out for you..Enjoy the day.

you are doing a wonderful job taking care of your mom....take care of YOU too. Bonnie

[Dayle]

Thanks Bonnie! Just reading the replys to my post and also other posts on the board makes me feel much better. You start to feel like you're all alone and then you find a site like this and you see that there are so many others dealing with similar situations, some much more difficult than mine. Now I know I have a friendly, understanding place to turn to when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Have a wonderful day and thank you so very much!!!

[Bil]

Hi Dayle,

 

I am sorry how you are feeling. I am a survivor and at least I was lucky that I knew I had problems and work on myself.

 

Is your mother able to walk or using a wheelchair? Is there a support group where she can go to visit stroke survivors? the most important thing is always, depends on what stroke, is to get out of that bad brain and hopefully get it back into a great brain.

 

I had a stroke 8 years ago. Some of us here have problems, but we will work alone and with caregivers -- sitting is not good.

 

I also know a woman who had a bad stroke 12 years ago, and she has to use a wheelchair and lives in a nursing home -- Linda is smart, she never leaves her room unless she has a problem. Most of the time she is going everyone show and bingo and etc.

 

And me, I get out of my house and go to the malls or movies. I have been lucky that I can walk.

 

Bil

 

 

[Guest kbrasher]

HEY DAYLE,

 

I AM A SURVIVOR AND HAVE BEEN A CAREGIVER IN THE PAST AS WELL. FELLING "BURNED OUT" ON EITHER END IS VERY COMMON, ALTHOUGH THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT EASIER. WHAT I HAVE , OR AM ABOUT TO DO, IS GO AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS BY MYSELF SO I CAN "RECHARGE". IF YOU ARE ABLE, AND GET THE CHANCE TO DO THIS OCCASSIONALLY, I'D STRONGLY ADVISE IT.

 

MY BEST

KIM

[pprovost]

If a weekend getaway is appealing, perhaps a local nursing home would lodge your Mom for two or three days to give you time to recharge and relax.

Quite often a change is as good as a rest. Who knows?,It may do your Mom some good to to see new people.

you will never know unless you check it out

 

good luck,

Pat

[Guest joy]

Hi, Dayle, I am caregiver for my husband who cannot do anything but feed himself. Otherwise, he has to be cared for like an infant. (Other than a sharp mind) He cannot talk so it is frustrating to try to communicate with him although we all try. About twice a year, he spends a week in the nursing home to give me a total break. I have help for 3 hours three days a week to allow for dr appointments and grocery shopping, paying bills, etc. That nine hours is paid for by the State of Texas through his Medicaid program. I don't know what State you live in but you might want to check with the Aged and Disabled Programs in your area and see if there is anything available from that area. In Texas that is handled through the Department of Human Services. Hiring private help is really expensive - at least $9.50 an hour just for sitting is the cheapest I have found. If you want other things done - laundry, cooking, light housekeeping - you pay through the nose for that.

 

I hope this helps some. This is the best place for venting that I know of. Someone has been in your exact or almost exact situation and can give you their perspective on things. Anyway, when you vent, you just feel better. Keep coming back.

 

Joy

[Carol the Kid]

Wow! I can't imagine taking care of my mom (74 y/o stroked 6 1/2 mos. ago) 24/7!

 

I see others have suggested respite care. Another place to check for that is assisted living places.

 

As for people to help you, are you or your mother involved in a local church or synagogue? My parents have gotten a lot of help and support from their church. There also might be some other community organizations that could help out.

 

Oh....and I definitely agree that you need to take time out for yourself! I get burned out with just doing paperwork type stuff and visiting Mom. I feel guilty if I don't spend significant time with her every day, but I just can't.

[Dayle]

Thanks again for the replys everyone...what a warm and caring group of people you all are! I can't express how much better I feel hearing your words of wisdom and encouragement. I'll give you a bit more info. to answer some of your inquiries. Mom is 83 and as I said before had her stroke 5 years ago. She has lost the use of her right arm but has some use of her right leg. Enough that she is able to walk a short distance with her walker such as from the living room to the bathroom, etc. I am seeing some loss of use with her leg though. We have exercises for her to do, but unless I push her she just has no interest in doing them. She is quite satisfied to watch TV and do search-a-word puzzles which are good for her as I've read you need to "exercise" the brain also. I have checked into respite care and although it is a little pricey I think I will use that so that my husband and I can "get out of town" one of these weekends this fall. My plans fell through for this weekend, but that's ok. I also had a really nice lady stay with her that one time, but it's $11/hr. so I hesitate to do it very often. We are fortunate that Mom's mind is good and she has no problems swallowing or anything. She needs help with dressing, bathing & sometimes there's mishaps with the bathroom, but all and all we're quite lucky. I have come to realize that from reading the other posts and seeing what others are dealing with. She occasionally goes to bingo, but it just seems to be too much for her lately. I wish I could get her out more to be with others her age and agree that she may enjoy the respite care. Does anyone know of any hobbies that she may be able to do with one hand? I have looked everywhere for ideas, but come up empty. She loved to knit, but those knotting helpers don't look too easy. Has anyone tried them? THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE!!!!

[mojo123]

I am also a caregiver to my husband who had a stroke in July 2005 at 45 years old.

I get so tired some days that I think I can't go on. I have tried to take time for myself but I never seem to find that time. I even tried to go back to work but he is so lonely at home that he calls me at work and looks so sad when I come home that I feel guilty even working.

 

I too understand what you are going through. Life seems to be just a bluur of activities with no change from day to day. I don't feel like I even know myself anymore.

 

Hang in there! There are many people that understand exactly what you are feeling. I know it's been a comfort to me just to have people understand.

[swilkinson]

If she doesn't need toiletting or changing you may be able to get a niece, nephew, or teenaged daughter of a friend to help. My daughter at fifteen used to go to a neighbour's some Saturday afternoons and mind their aunt. The aunt was told that she lived in a noisy household and needed some peace and quiet to do her homework. All my daughter had to do was make afternoon tea and snacks and see the old lady to bed for her afternoon nap. She didn't get paid much but it did give her somewhere quiet to do her homework.

Times have changed so now it might be a neighbour who need a few dollars to supplement her pension that you ask. There are all kinds of people looking for something to fill in their time or bring them in a few dollars. So look around and see if you can find an hour or two off that way.

Sue.

[dstraugh]

recycyling this for a few days - Donna, MBM