Have I become his "mother figure" ?

[lschick]

Hi,

 

I have been struggling with this question for months.

 

My husband and I have been together for 30 years. We have been married for over 20. We have 3 children, all at home, 9, 13, and 19.

 

Pre-stroke, my husband used to get so very emotional when he was telling me how much he loved me. He would actually play certain songs on the stereo, and say, "this is how I feel", and start to cry. ( for instance, Roy Orbison's "Anything you want, you got it", and "Wind beneath my wings", our wedding song)

 

Now, it seems like it's a platonic love. Don't get me wrong, I know he loves me, but the passion is gone. I still see the passion when he is dealing with our kids. He's very loving and tender. His whole demeanor changes. With me, it 's very "matter of fact". I ask if he loves me and he says yes. But, if I try to hold him or cuddle, I get pushed away.

 

Could this be because I am now responsible for his very basic needs? I have to help him pull up his pants when he goes to the bathroom, wipe his face after he eats, etc.... I am guessing it's because he feels I've taken on the "mother" role. Not sure about this, but just curious.

 

Can any of you survivors shed some light on this for me?

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Lyn

[Phyllis4732]

Please forgve my wild sense of humor; it isn't your letter or your problem- it was the way the title appeared.............tsk, tsk on me! It's so cold here 30 degrees in the Daytona Beach, Florida area at 8 am that I guess I needed something to "make my day". Guess this proves that some humor is important to everyone, no matter their problems. I'll leave the answer to your questions to caregivers.

 

OK, going to dress the chihuahua and force her to go out. Me too.

[lschick]

Hi Phyllis,

 

I wasn't sure why you found the title so funny until I went back into the forum and saw it. :big_grin:

 

I completely understand now! Yes, I know we need to find humor wherever we can! I hope you survive the cold. 30 degrees is warm for us in ND!

 

Have a great day!

 

Lyn

[calendulady]

:wub2: Hi, Lyn -

 

I am a stroke survivor (about 5 months now). My husband is my caregiver. When I first came home from the rehab hospital, my husband was very attentive (and scared), but I felt a bit like his child rather than his wife. But at the time, I needed so much help that his caution was appropriate. After a while, when I was able to take care of the majority of my needs when toileting or bathing, I felt more confident and more like a partner.

 

I was the first to bring up the subject of "intimacy". My husband's fear was that he could hurt me in some way. He figured that the doctor would tell him "when it was safe". After a few trial runs, things got easier and more enjoyable for us. It's not quite like it used to be (tremors, limb weakness, pain can interfere), but after 27 years of marriage we are used to adjustments, changes through the years.

 

I also know that many anti-depressants can diminish libido or even erase it completely. There are other medicines that can also have similar side effects.

 

Have you had a conversation about this topic with your husband? You need to share your feelings and also give him the opportunity and permission to share his fears or concerns as well.

 

As a survivor, I have a difficulty expressing my feelings sometimes, because I get very emotional and tend to cry. My husband seems to worry more when my emotions get so mixed up -- he is hoping that I become the woman he married.

 

But we all know that stroke changes us - perhaps in small ways, often times in life-changing ways. Recovery is a long road, with baby steps along the way. You didn't mention how long ago your husband had his stroke. Maybe he just needs more time. Right now a pat on his shoulder or holding his hand may be all the touching he can handle right now.

 

My attempt at reconnecting emotionally with my daughter and in-laws has been more difficult for me. I fear that I am not accepted with my deficits and personality changes. Intellectually, I know they love me unconditionally - but I have lots of self doubts that cloud my judgement.

 

Sorry this post is so long, I just wanted to give you a glimpse into one survivor's life. I am sure that many others will be able to give their own perspectives. It will probably be more helpful with responses from male survivors.

 

If you wish to PM me anytime, I'm available to "talk".

 

Best wishes to you and your family. :forgive_me?:

 

Debbie :Typing:

[lschick]

Thanks, Debbie.

 

I should clarify; I'm not really talking sex. That had all but gone away before the stroke. (ED) I just miss the closeness and the cuddling.

 

I will also mention, we don't sleep in the same bed anymore. I snore; my husband used to bear it as long as he could, then get up and sleep in the recliner. He can't just get up anymore...he is paralyzed on the right side.

 

I've asked, several times, if we could please try sleeping together again, and he just says no. He also has aphasia, so he's unable to tell me how he's feeling. I told him he could try wearing ear plugs to drown out the sound. I don't snore really loudly; but he's a light sleeper. Again, the reply is no. He actually waves me out of the bedroom.

 

I just feel so lonely, despite our being together 24/7.

 

 

[fking]

Lyn,

 

I may not be able to shed some light on your case as such. I can tell you as the survivor myself, it's a change that takes place over time. In your case, he can't talk enough to explain any feelings and he still needs much assistance from you 24/7. So you can't discuss the matter in a way to find a solution.

 

I'm sorta in a simular situation being the survivor, but I have progressed enough to do everything for myself. There lies the separation of the two forces. I get up in the mornings and I'm off to the races so to speak. Pick up meds, Dr visits, visit relatives then all day shopping. A couple malls, walmart, targets, etc, not really spending money as much as time and mixing with people.

 

By the same token my wife is gone on her rounds in the same manner, so at night she sleeps, we sleep together, but there is no "how was your day dear?" conversations or closeness as before stroke. On the other hand we had so many members of her family from New Orleans staying with us, we just got into different routines and it continues to now.

 

I have learned to live with it and I'll be 65 in July, so I feel with the life I led and all the great times afforded me, I'm just glad to have someone around the house. If nothing goes on, so be it. She does see to it that everything else in the house is taken care of. I guess I'm saying the closeness is not that important to me.

[lschick]

Fred,

 

Thanks for your insight.

 

Yes, we had many wonderful and happy years, and I should be glad for them. Well, I am. But I sure hope we have many more happy years.

 

I suppose I just need to give this time. We're only 4 1/2 months post stroke, and he's only been home from the hospital for 1 1/2 months. He's making progress in recovery, so maybe that's where he needs to spend his energy.

 

Thanks again,

 

Lyn

[cindy]

Lyn,

 

Don't you worry about your husband coming back to you in at least part of showing his emotion of love for you. My husband and my case sounds similar to yours minus the children. He was 55 at the time of the stroke and I am now 46. He has aphasia also and his right side was greatly affected but through therapy and constant encouragement from me has come back in so many ways. It's been 3 years and one month since the stroke.

 

My first post to this site was regarding me missing my husband so much and his ability to show his emotion of love for me. God I was so lonely after us being together 24 years. He was "going through the motion" too and it seemed like I was married to someone I didn't know. It took almost a year and a half, I think, for him to begin to become his old self again. Now he says I love you on his own without me saying it first. He got back to lighting candles and making dinner for me. He at times will hold my hand, rub my neck and back or put his arm around me like he used to. Of course it's different from before but in his eyes I see his love for me. Even that part came back.

 

You keep sowing your love towards him and it will come back to you. I believed it and it happened. Now I know everyone recovers at a different speed and what does come back is different too.

 

Nevertheless let me say I understand the loneliness you are going through. I hope this has helped you in some way. Take care of yourself,

Cindy

[cindy]

Sorry Lyn I forgot to address the mother figure which like the others is what caught my attention to this post in the first place. :big_grin:

 

I was the like a mother figure for quite some time until I started going to therapy and realized it was my responsibility to change that. I think it was needed while the intense therapy and caretaking was so relied upon by me. But I knew when it needed to be changed. A gut feeling if you will.

 

So you hang in there. You sound like a strong person and you will know when it is time.

 

Of course it's just the opinion of the wife of a stroke survivor who's been there done that. :friends:

 

Cindy

[ptitley]

 

 

I thought this was funny till I really thought about it. I remember that my husband (34 yrs) never really would say, but I felt he was afraid to cause a rise in my blood pressure! He kept distant for quite some time, but in time, he seen that it is okay. Maybe he thought he raised it more than he did!!! Ha! I just think they are trying to be considerate of the survivor out of fear.

 

Peggy :giggle:

[Guest strokesimon]

Hi,

Pre-stroke, my husband used to get so very emotional when he was telling me how much he loved me. He would actually play certain songs on the stereo, and say, "this is how I feel", and start to cry. ( for instance, Roy Orbison's "Anything you want, you got it", and "Wind beneath my wings", our wedding song)

 

Now, it seems like it's a platonic love. Don't get me wrong, I know he loves me, but the passion is gone. I still see the passion when he is dealing with our kids. He's very loving and tender. His whole demeanor changes. With me, it 's very "matter of fact". I ask if he loves me and he says yes. But, if I try to hold him or cuddle, I get pushed away.

 

Could this be because I am now responsible for his very basic needs? I have to help him pull up his pants when he goes to the bathroom, wipe his face after he eats, etc.... I am guessing it's because he feels I've taken on the "mother" role. Not sure about this, but just curious.

 

Can any of you survivors shed some light on this for me?

 

Lyn

 

*If you havent had a stroke.......you have NO idea, give the guy a break yeah.

[lschick]

Dear Strokesimon,

 

Why would my question make you angry?????

 

I am not pressuring my husband at all...I'm just wondering~ no, trying to understand~ what is going through his mind.

 

I love him very much, and we have always shared our feelings. He cannot tell me what he's feeling, so I'm just trying to understand the possiblilities.

 

Lyn

[nyally]

Lyn,

Strokesimon's response is half the reason I have bottled up all my own feelings. Like I didn't have the right to complain about anything when after all, I did not have a stroke. But my life changed too, and so did yours.

As to mother figure....yes, yes, yes. And nurse and therapist too. My boyfriend's insurance may have maxxed out already on outpatient therapy and he has only been home from the hosp 4 weeks. Not to fear, they said....we will send him home with things he can do at home and YOU can help. I have already used all my annual leave, I used leave without pay, I HAD to go back to work to pay bills and they think I can do this stuff "in my spare time"? And I have helped with homework...he HATES it. Says he feels like a child, doing arithmetic and work puzzles. He yells, calls himself a "tard". Like our relationship will get healthy if I am his kindegarten teacher too.

And he also hit this time when he was like a dirty old man...groping and and grabbing...even in public. He was never ever like that before. I almost hit him with my purse.

And that "give the guy a break" rings in my head. I feel like I do that all the time....

[jriva]

 

Lyn,

 

It's not unusual for spouses who suddenly become caregivers to say, in the first year post-stoke, that they feel like they have an adult baby in the house. How could we not feel that way when we do things like wipe butts, cut or grid up food, help our spouses get dressed, help with exercises, speech, reading and/or telling time? We might also be driving everywhere, doing 100% of the chores that two people used to share and in many cases we've lost the one person we used to lean on in a crisis. Therefore, it stands to reason that the other side of this coin is going to be that the survivor/spouse tends to views his wife/caregiver as a 'mother figure.'

 

As Cindy said in her post up above, it took my husband and me about a year to a year-and-a-half for that to turn around. (In that time frame, I recall myself saying to Don often: "I'm not your mother, you have to learn to do this yourself.") Eventually we all have to find our New Normal lives---one that will bring us back to being friends and spouses again, first and foremost. You, as a wife, may still have a lot of caregiver-like chores BUT the wife/husband emotions can come back into the relationship with time and a little effort. It's a little too soon now but as Cindy says, keep sowing those seeds of love.

 

 

 

Nyally,

 

It may be true that we don't know what it's like to have a stroke, but we spouses do know what it's like to pick up the pieces afterwards. Don't bottle up your frustrations and feelings. It's not good for you or the situation....even if that means screaming into a pillow. Take a lot of ten minute walks if you can, or hop on an exercise bike---anything to let off the steam in a healthy way. (Start a blog here might help, too.) You aren't very far out from boyfriend's stroke and I hate to say it, but it will probably get worse before it gets better. You both have to work through a LOTof stress, anger and acceptance issues first.

 

Jean :friends:

[bstockman]

Another thing from a srvivor point of view.. The first year, I did not feel very attractive, at first the lft side of my face drooped.. ( that has resoved) then you walk like a drunk and your arm decides at times that it has a mind of it's own.. doens't make you feel attractive.

 

My husband told me he loved me and reassured me.. that I was still beautiful to him.. with loving support and as I made progress in PT I started feeling "better" about myself.

 

It may be right now his energy is focused on recovery and PT and exercises, just trying to do things for yourself takes so much energy..

He may not be able to express this to you. The first year the fatigue level was overwhelming.

 

I'm sure it will get better but it is a long road .... just show him your love and hold his hand..little things.. mean a lot.

 

Bonnie

[swilkinson]

Hi Lyn

 

I too often feel ike a "mother figure" and I have been doing all this for seven years now. Contrary to what others have said my situation has not changed for the better but as Ray has had two more strokes since his majors this has been a rollercoaster ride for both of us.

 

A woman at our stroke meeting today said she was content to live with her husband/survivor as brother and sister and I guess that is the case for some people. Maybe they are content with their relationship. But I have said on this board before I miss sex, I miss affection and I miss the "please and thanks yous" that go with a man trying to please a woman. I miss the cuddles and the petting and Ray frankly just isn't interested in any of that anymore.

 

As for Simons remark "give a guy a break" I wonder how long you are supposed to do that for? years? decades? Because as far as I can see Ray is not going to suddenly rediscover romance, shower me with affection or demonstrate his love in any way he hasn't in the past six years.

 

Maybe I've given up on that side of our relationship, bottled up my feelings and taken up the celibate life. I know I cry a lot in the shower and throw the occassional pity party because I feel life at 58 is more like the life of a woman of 85!! But I have also channelled my feelings into helping Ray and others to develop their own ways of coping. So instead of yearning for love I am expressing it in actions rather than words.

 

Sue.

[merichsen]

Lyn,

i'm sorry, but i can only give you a female survivor's perspective, so for whatever it is worth. i think to be 'in the mood" intimately you need to feel somewhat attractive, and my feeling unattractive is a gross understatement only compounded by...having to say things like hold on let me just move my arm out of the way here. aside from the fatigue which usually has me out cold by about 9 pm.

interestingly, a neuropsyciatrist asked me about this and said that he might be fearful of causing another stroke, which frightens me too and certainly kills a mood. he has told me that as i have a great deal of arm pain, he feels that he would be horrible to come near me knowing i'm in pain. of course i responded that that was bull, and that he just no longer found me attractive.

with a stroke, much of what we did before which was spontaneous or just came naturally no longer does, and i'm sure this spills over in to sex as well. depression is also a biggie in this whole thing, and it is a major libido equalizer.

good luck

maria

[lschick]

Everyone,

 

Again, thanks for all of your sharing your insights.

 

I am not the type to bottle things up inside; on the contrary, I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time!

 

I'll just try to remain patient~ I've been told I have unending patience. I will just be sure my husband is aware of how much I still love him. As I said in a previous post, I don't really miss SEX at all, I just miss the man I married many years ago.

 

Don't get me wrong; Steve is still very much the man I married...it just seems he's not all "there", so to speak.

 

Love to you all, (even the angry people :-)

 

Lyn

 

 

 

 

[cindy]

Sue,

 

I remember when I bottled everything up inside and like you cried in the shower, my car, anywhere but in front of him. Then I found this site and it helped tremendously. But in regards to longing for that affection I know just what it's like.

 

One day, because of my therapists advice I spilled my guts to my husband, cried like a baby, told him what I needed from him. It was one of the most intimate times I think we have ever had in our marriage. I know you have probably already tried talking but when my husband felt my pain I walked over to where he was sitting, laid my head on his chest soaked with my tears, he held me and that was the first step towards husband and wife again. He was proud, never shed a tear and took care of me for the first time in 2 years and he knew it.

 

Trust me I know how you feel. I'm just 46 (44 at the time of the stroke) and felt like I was living as an old woman.

 

I'm sorry about you and Ray and I hope this helps in some way. Take care,

 

Hugs to you. :friends:

 

Cindy

[nyally]

Does anyone else whose survivor takes antidepressants have a problem sexually? I know that is the expected side effect, but it makes the whole intimacy thing more problemental than ever. There is that mother figure thing going on, and then for me the realization that nothing is going to really happen and he will be really disappointed and angry. One more thing that doesn't work right. On top of that, before the stroke happened I was just getting to that hormonal lull myself and I wasn't feeling too sexual as it was. Then...the stroke happened. I sat at the hospital for over a month, eating fast food, sitting in a chair. My own fibromyalgia set in and I found myself pampering myself with food. So...I gained a good ten pounds and feel like a blimp. I am tired, achy, depressed and have no libido. He thinks I find him gross or unattractive. I find myself nonsexual, not him. However, regardless of the effects of the antidepressants, he thinks about it all the time. Maybe because he has more time on his hands, I don't know. But I don't even want to go there. I want sleep. We have tried to talk this through and he insists he understands that I am really wiped out and could just use a break, but underneath it I know he thinks I am not interested in him. This is so difficult....