When does the stroke stop taking over?

[charmin]

We have had so many ups and downs and I know it has only been three and a half months, but will the stroke ever stop running our lives. It has just consumed Steed, he has moments were he feels and acts like he is getting better and than out of no where he is back to not wanting to get out of bed. I don't know if I should just make him or just hold him and let him shut out the world. This morning was a perfect morning to get up put the top down and take our Sunday drive( the one we have not done in over three months) but he said he just did not feel like it, and I really wanted to scream and just force him to. I know that that would have made him feel better almost normal if only for a few hours, but I just said ok honey maybe next week. I really just want to invite some of our friends over for dinner and a beer, but I don't want to upset him. I do think it would do him some good to entertain, he used to just light up and take center stage whenever we had people over. Any way I just wish there was a quicker way to get over this, I need some advice on how much I should push him if I don't push him I don't believe he will push himself.

 

Thanks,

 

Andi

[fking]

As you may know, some survivors are more aggressive in wanting to recover the soonest while others may not have fully excepted their strokes and thus in a state of rejection of their condition. Not being like they were prior to the stroke compared to now.

 

For me, it was go get'um right from the hospital and I came home in a wheelchair. 3 to 6 months later, was climbing stairs, walking better, then driving again. Never got depressed about what I could/could not do. I'm now 2 years, 6 months post stroke, still got problems but I'm living with them.

 

In my mind, it depends on the amount of damage to the brain as to when the stroke stops taking over mentally and physically.

 

I was told early on I would be as good as new in a year or two. That hasn't happen and I now know it may not, but I'm adjusted to accept what ever I get back and whenever.

 

As his soul mate and caregiver, you can push with his doctor's consent, but it's his call how much he desires to recover from "his" stroke. I know a lady who said her husband just gave up hope, he wouldn't do anything to help himself, he passed.

 

Sorry, I don't have any advise you are seeking in this matter.

[givincare]

Hi Andi,

Maybe a way you could "secretly" push him a bit would be to present the idea of the dinner party, Sunday drive, etc. as it being something that YOU want to do.

 

He may be less likely to decline if you say, "I would really enjoy going for a drive. I have really missed it. Would you mind doing this for/with me?"

 

Once he realizes that it is important to you, he may agree to participate and then you can see if it does help his spirit as you suspect.

 

Take care,

Kristen

[chrisratty]

I think progress can vary from day to day, some day when I visit Trev he is brill, just like the old Trev & I come home really happy. Another day he is totally "out of it" & off course that upsets me. Trev is is a stroke surviver of nearly 8mths & STILL not home..house adaptations etc needing completing.

 

Trev on the whole is positive & wants to get back to normal, very rarely depressed which is a huge bonus I think.

 

chris xx

[arogers]

Any way I just wish there was a quicker way to get over this, I need some advice on how much I should push him if I don't push him I don't believe he will push himself.

 

 

 

Dear Andi,

 

At the risk of seeming flippant I've got to say - there isn't a quicker way to get over this. There is no way to get over this. Life is different now.

 

After my husband suffered his strokes I thought he was being lazy since he sleeps so much. Almost two years out he still requires about 14 hours of sleep each night. However, each step requires major effort. Every bite he takes requires thought. He has great difficulty remembering his thoughts in order to get a sentence out....And his life was completely shattered by the brain attacks.

 

I used to love to entertain. However, as you will find here one of the questions asked is "where have all the friends gone?".... Our lives suddenly become cosumed with rehab, doctor's appointments, and rest while friends lives are consumed with kids, grandkids, careers - the common interests we once held have changed. Our circle of friends changes.

 

3 1/2 months is an extremely short period of time to even begin to evaluate what your future is going to hold. I do believe that if you make the plans and let your husband know what you are going to do he will do it. For instance, if you want to go for a ride, make the plans and ask him to go with you. My husband isn't able to decide what he wants to eat most times - and will eat whatever I suggest. It's just a change for me since he used to make the suggestions and I would go along with him - now it's just the opposite.

 

There is so much information here for you to examine. One place you might want to spend some time is looking at the Blogs. I don't know whether you've had a chance to read many of them but I know you will find yourself over and over. The National Caregivers Association has a website you might also find useful (http://www.thefamilycaregiver.org).

 

Everybody is different. I've often been accused of oversimplifying situations - but that's the way I deal. Someone has said, "I'll not forget the past, nor care to shut the door on it." However, in order to move on I won't live in the past, either. Our lives have changed and we aren't ever going to have the old one back......so, we can make a new one.

 

Warm thoughts to you,

 

 

[azrabbit]

You are clearly hurting and missing your husband. I understand how hard it is, especially so soon after his stroke. I asked myself this very same thing - many times during Denny's fight (he stroked 12/31/05). He also didn't want to do much. But like the others have said, fighting back from a stroke takes a TON of energy for the survivor and for you. Also, as I am sure you know from this site and from the doctors, many stroke survivors have to deal with depression after the stroke. If you husband is not taking any kind of anti-depressant, it might be good to bring it up at his nex dr. appointment. It also helped Denny a great deal to meet with a psychologist weekly for a time. He still sees her, but now every other week.

 

What worked for us was to keep offering and making opportunites to do things that bring you both pleasure. A Sunday morning drive sounds wonderful. Maybe present it as going out for breakfast and then go for a ride after. If he isn't interested in a drive, then try and find some way to make it a special day at home. Rent a movie - a comedy! Laughter is so healing. He misses you as much as you miss him.

 

Both of your lives have changed and some days you just have to take a moment to say - "This really sucks!" But the important thing is to acknowledge it and then keep moving forward. You can still do lots of things together, you will just have to modify how you do them, how often you do them and realize you will do things slower. It is easy to preach to a caregiver on what to do to make the survivors life better, but don't forget you have to take some time for yourself as well.

 

Just know that it does get better. You are still going through a grieving process and that is something you can't rush. You a grieving for your husband, for what you both have lost and you hurt for him. That is OK. You will have angry days, sad days and some days you will feel just fine. Just go with your feelings - they are neither right or wrong. It helps me to journal and this site has been a big help. Hang in there! I am sending you happy thoughts and prayers.

[Guest veggie.vampire]

The hardest thing with stroke is the patience you discover. I spent 11 months at hospital/residential rehab so learnt patience by the bucket load! As others have said it will get better but can't put a finger on when it did for me.

[jwatrous]

I understand how this has changed your life as my stroke was in 1985 at age 39 :Tantrum: & honestly 20 yrs. later, because it leaves so many physical deficits, stroke never goes away - The Good news is that the stroke's symptoms do get better, but the bad news is that once hit by this you'll NEVER get over it as it not only is the harshest brain insult you'll ever have, but yoou are left with daily reminders, so you just must do your best, if you are to be a survivor, with some dignity, and grace -

GOD BLESS YOU AND GOOD LUCK

June :cheer:

[bstockman]

Unfortunately this is not something "to get over" it is not a cold, a virus or an illness.. Your husbands brain has had an assult, it is INJURED. It does not work the same as it did before.. It might get back to close.. it may not.. This is a VERY slow process. Everything now takes a great amount of energy... at the same time that the brain is trying to heal the injury it is also trying to re-wire to re-learn things it knew and to try to remeber as much as it can.

 

3 1/2 months is a very short time.. I took naps and fell asleep easily after little mental or physical exertion. I finally learned to prioritize my energy.. Now 3 1/2 yrs later i seldom take naps, but I also fatigue much easier.. Yes this is frustraiting to me.. I was used to working 8 to 10 hr days, cooking dinner, dishes, etc. I could multi task. Even though I was in my 50's I had more energy than many much younger.

 

If I had a "busy" day the day before, then I would not have as much energy the next day. I also had sleep issues. I would sleep for about 2 hrs at a time. I would wake up, be awake for 1/2 hr go back to sleep, wake up.. so it was not a good restful sleep.

 

you may want to ask questions about how tired he is, how well he is sleeping. make plans a couple days in advance, and as some of the others have said.. say " I would really like to....."

 

This will take time, patience and some determination on his part also.

 

 

 

[alpinejunkie]

Hey, first I want to tell you that I never read other replys before I post mine. I don't want my thoughts to be influenced by others; even though there are others here that are more experianced than me.

 

Anyway I have to say that the stroke will probably never go away. My wife and I think of my stroke as figuring out a new normal. The idea of a figuring out a new normal never goes away. I am different now than I was two weeks ago, a month ago, six months ago..... As time goes on the amount of healing will be slower and slower but I believer it will never stop. You (you and your husband) may hit a plataeu but you will be able to get past it. The pros, and most importantly the insurance companies, may not think so but you will.

 

I identify with your husband. I sometimes try to remove myself from my old life. It seems so overwelming for me to interact with my family and friends the way I used to. I feel embarrased about it and it exhausts me. HOWEVER, withdrawing from a normal life if the worse thing I and your husband can do. My wife, and you, are in such a hard place. You love us, you don't want to hurt us, you want to do what is right for us. Sometimes love has to be tough though but I can't tell you when. Sometimes my wife, if you look at my blog I call her Awesome Chick, does NOT take no for an answer. We used to go hiking and cycling and lots of other outdoor stuff together. Sometimes when we plan that stuff and I don't feel like it she takes the attitude that she will not take no for an answer. She is always right about when she does it. She is the only one that knows when to do it and not to do it.

 

You are the only one that knows when to "force" your husband to do something and not to. You love hime, you wouldn't hur him, you have his best interest at your. Go with your own heart. Sometimes you will be wrong but mostly you will be right. He needs you to "keep him in the game". He is lucky to have you.

 

Welcom.

[chrisratty]

alphinejunkie, what a brilliant attitude you & your wife have, working to what is normal NOW & working to make that better & better.

 

I hope myself & Trev cne be like you, particularly when I need to push & when I can just let him do as he wants.

 

chris xx

[charmin]

Once again I do so appreciate this site and all of you that truely care. I know it sounds like I am being selfish and whiney and I don't mean to. I know it has been just a short time and I am still trying to figure out how in the world we could go from point A to point Z in a matter of minutes. I just get so upset and sad and very very lonely. His depression is just so bad he takes his meds but they only help for a short period of time. I just wish we could have just one minute to laugh again. I feel as if I am running myself into the ground. I hate grieving on my own, but i can not cry to Steed it just makes matters worse, and there is times that I feel as if I am slipping into my own depression, but luckily I don't have the luxuary to do that. If I let myself become depressed than who would take care of everybody. I truely do know that it is baby steps, but even those baby steps gets more difficult to take when you hear the one you love wake up everyday frustrated and very upset that he did not pass away in the middle of the night. I can handle just about anything but I can't seem to handle what it is doing to Steed. There is many times I wish this would have happen to me, it breaks my heart so to watch him go through this, and it angers me so much that I can not fix this.

[chrisratty]

charmin, my heart goes out to you, I've faced all you are doing for the last nearly 8 mths since Trev had his stroke. He has been affected badly & is only just learning to walk again....7steps yesterday. He's gone through confusion, hallucinations etc, mostly we've just discovered through the drugs he's on...but there IS a time of improvement.

 

Fortunatly we've always been able to laugh together, & talk over our fealings......have you told him how YOU yourself feel?, don't protect him too much from how you are coping. You shared your feelings before, do it again. I tell Trev when things get on top of me & he is always there for me to rant & rave to about something....& visa versa.

 

chris xx

[bstockman]

Charmin, this is a really difficult to everyone.. stroke not only hits one person, it hits the family. Some frustration can sometimes be helpful to make you try harder.

 

You both need to grieve for what is lost, but then not get stuck there..

There will be "normals" again but they will be new normals and they will improve. The first year ......sucks.... for lack of a better word...

 

There is just so much going on, and trying to take it all in, learn, adapt, etc.

Is your husband still having therapy? I feel it was really helpful, although there were exercises I didn't like doing... I now understand why and am so glad Scott my physical therapist pushed me.

 

A Physical Therapist that you can connect with is important. I had Scott before for Physical Therapy for rotator cuff surgery so he knew the pre stroke me... He was terriffic in asking what I need to do. I said walk outside in grass. He took me out in a gait belt and up and down little hills and grass and un even surfaces. He taught me how to be comfortable cooking.. to practice with a pan of cold water before I tried moving a pan full of hot water. I am telling these thingw because I feel it is REALLY important to have some one to connect with, to be interested in your recovery.

 

Bonnie

[charmin]

I suppose I am supposed to say once again that I am grateful for all the advice, but to be honest I am alone. I can not talk to Steed about how I feel because I have no feelings any more or at least mine does not matter, I AM NOT THE ONE THAT HAD THE STROKE. It doesn't matter what I do I can kick and scream, I can be as nice as I can be, I can try as hard as I know how to fight for him and it really does not matter. I always thought that I have good faith. No matter how bad my life gets and to tell you the truth it usually is bad I always believed in a just and good god. But how do you hold on to the faith when you go through your whole life never fitting in and feeling like you don't have a purpose and than meeting someone that you fit in with completely just to have that taken away from you. It is almost like someone is looking down on me and saying hahaha you don't deserve that silly. Everyone seems to think that it should be easy you just shake it off and except it and move on with your life, but hey guess what that does not work that way. I am 34 years old and look as if I am 50 I have more grey hair and more bags under my eyes now in the last few months than most see in their whole life. I am so tired and so sad. I hate living my life in fear, I am so afraid that one day I will wake up and he will finally leave me for good. I know that he is angry and he has a right to be, but I can only take so much of the blame. I guess maybe this will be my last posting for awhile. I have so much to figure out in my head. I wish that I did not have to be here but alas if I go who takes care of everyone else. My middle child wrote an essay once for school on what he is the most afraid of, and his paper was that he was afraid that he would have to go through what I went through taking care of my mother at a young age and holding her hand as she died of cancer. That is why I can not leave this earth I will not do that to them, but sometimes I feel even if my mind is still here but my spirit and heart are slowly leaving. I just wish I had someone to cry to to talk to. I had that about three months ago and now I have no one. My best friend has left me for now I only hope that when he comes back I am someone he recoginizes and not just the shell that used to be his best friend.

[azrabbit]

Charmin, you HAVE to find someone you can talk to for YOU. I hurt for you, I was there just a few short months ago. I got so tired and down, I thought awful things, then I had awful guilt and I couldn't find a way out. I wish I could be there and just give you a hug and let you know you are not alone in thing. I also questioned my faith, thought I had a sign on my back that said kick me when I am down. DON'T STOP COMING TO THE SITE. Go back and read some of the classic postings, read the blogs, ask for help.

 

Ask your doctor about prescribing an antidepressant for you. It is not a crutch or a cure all. You are in a very deep well of emotion right now. It isn't that you aren't smart enough to crawl out on your own, you just can't find a hand hold or a rope to cling too. Go to your doctor and tell her/him how you are feeling. I did and it helped a lot. Just think of the medicine as the rope you need to crawl out of the hole. Then when things start getting better, you might not hold on to the rope that hard, you might start to make your own hand holds or foot holds. Then you won't need the rope any more and finish the climb out on your own.

 

Do you have someone at your church or through the rehab that can refer you to a counselor? Your feelings DO matter. God is a good and just God. He doesn't punish you through hardships. He is still there waiting to listen to your needs. But sometimes, He uses other people to help accomplish his purpose. PLEASE seek out some help for YOU. You will be amazed at how recharging your inner self helps you find renewed strength to keep giving care.

 

Let Steed know you still love him and need him. At first Denny kept worrying that he was a burden. It was hard to tell him he wasn't a burden when I was so tired I could hardly stand up. But Steed needs to know you still need him. He will come back, little by little.

 

I am happy to meet you in chat if you want to talk. Email me and I'll send you my phone number if you just want to vent to someone who has been there. I am praying for you!

[chrisratty]

I echo the same, don't give up. you are not worthless & useless.......you are a very important person who has been through such a lot in your life....but I know you are fed up of hearing it 3 mths is only a short time, my husband at 3mths from his stroke was confused, incontinent & could'nt stand without 3 helping him, now 8mths onhe's continent, in his right mind and walking a little. It is difficult I know but do as azrabbit says ask for help for yourself, & take whatever help you are offered.

 

Your best friend HAS NOT left you, he has changed slightly, he'll always be your best friend.... Trev is still mine even for all the "stroke gremlins" that have attacked him.

 

chris xx

[swilkinson]

Andi

 

I'm no expert on how you feel, you're a young woman and have a whole lot more life ahead of you than I do. Because you are the same age as my children you did not grow up with the expectation that you would take care of your parents, a husband, partner etc. And yet by what you have said you did just that. Things were different for me, we had neighbourhoods where people took care of each other so I knew what to expect. And so I looked after my parents and now look after my husband.

 

I know that when Ray came home from hospital after four and a half months I was scared and didn't think I would cope. People said that he was still the same old Ray. That wasn't true either. But in our old fashioned way he was still my husband, the person to whom I had made the vow"till death do us part". It is different for you. If you stay with Steed it will be because you choose to stay.

 

Ray has never returned to being the person he was before the stroke, we never got back to there. What we did was build a new life inch by inch, day by day. That has gone on for seven years now. We have had our ups and downs. I too realised I had to make a choice and so far I have chosen to stay.

 

Of course you don't have to take advice or thank those who give it to you. Just give a thought to what each person posts and see if it applies to your life. We are all people of good will here. We come from different states, countries, backgrounds. What we have in common with you is that we have had dealings with the life changing affect of stroke, as a survivor or caregiver.

 

I know it must seem as if fate is laughing in your face, it felt like that to me too. I questioned what the God I believed in had done this to us for. And I still do. But there is a saying that has always seemed to apply to the hard parts of my life: "the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike" none of us deserve rain, or any of the good things life has to offer. And when they come our way are we grateful and thankful? Mostly not. We go on looking for that perfect life we expected to live.

 

See if you can get to that place where you ask yourself not "Why me?" but "Can I live with this situation as it is until I can make it better?"

 

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Sue.

[charmin]

I do apologize about my out burst. It all just gets so overwhelming sometimes. I am not really close to my family, my mothers death pretty much divided us. I do so appreciate all the support I have found in you all. I will be find and hopefully this experience will help me help someone else in the future. We will make it, as far as my decision to make about staying or leaving Steed, it has never been I never have thought about that for a minute, I will never leave him. The only way we will not be together is if one day he will wake up and decide that he does not want to be with me anymore, until that comes I will never leave his side no matter how difficult things become. I do so love him with my whole heart. I am so grateful for finding this site where I can vent if I am feeling bad and not be judges.

[fking]

No apologies needed, or wanted by any of us. We are just glad to be here for you for comfort, not guidance. We certainly don't and really can't judge you or antone here for that matter. This is the place to let it all out, rant, rave, be at peace.

 

We all been there at some time or another, it takes all we got to cope day by day, year after year. I feel good to see you come back and post a reply to your topic. Hang on in there Charmin.

[Guest MelBaker]

Please don't apologize for how you feel - they are your feelings and you are entitled to them!!!! We are always here to listen so rant all you wish - I know that I have (although it's been from a survivor's point of view) You are not worthless! There are lots of times that nothing seems worth it, and then all of a suddden one thing happens to make the rest fade away. I know it seems trite but keep looking for those good things, no matter how small.....please come back to the site! You have a very extended family now that cares very much

I have an idea for you that may help - it has helped me....write your own blog. You can sayanything you want, vent, scream, and yes, people can look at it and give you feedback, but you can also go back and see where you have been so that you have a better idea of where you are now

Sending much love and good wishes your way

Mel

Please PM me anytime, I'm usually on everyday - or email me at any time

It does get better, it does take time - thanks to all at this site who have helped me and others make it through the darkest hours - LOVE YA!!!!!!!!! :friends: :hug:

[cindy]

Hi Andi,

 

Oh how I can relate to how you are feeling right now. My husband stroked 3 and a half years ago and I didn't find this site until a year and 9 months later. I had no one who understood what I was going through although they tried. I found what I needed to help me get through from this site.

 

I really don't have much to add since you've gotten some pretty good advice from everyone else. I just wanted you to know we are here to help you every step of the way if you need us.

 

By the way I was sooo lonely and desparate when I came here and like I said it's helped me tremendously as well as seeking advice from a therapist. In hindsight I wish I had done it all sooner.

 

You take care of yourself and I'll be thinking of you. :console:

 

Cindy

[lisas]

Hi Andi,

 

I'm so sorry you' re feeling low. We are all dealing with different issues and yet so many issues are all the same. I too feel sad, depressed, at times. I also feel happy and thankful at other times. :Clap-Hands: I pray those times outweigh the difficult ones. I don't know what it is like to have a husband who has had a stroke, but I do know what it's like for us and our 22 year old Rachel, having a stroke. Days are filled with ups and downs. She too is ready to go all day some days, and other days, like today, doesn't want to get out of bed, because she hurts. :Tantrum:

I am thankful for this sight, and all the insight that comes with it. :chat: It is a place for answers, venting, chatting, and questions. None of us have all the answers, but we can be there for each other. :friends:

I try to push my daughter at times, but I don't push if she's really down or not feeling up to it. It's when she is upbeat that I really push-same with the therapists. I think stroke patients have their limits at times, and I respect that. I pray all the time for strength. :Good-Luck:

[Guest braz54]

Charmin,

 

Everyone has given you great advice. I just want to add that I have been taking care of my

hubby for almost 1 year (Aug.30, 05) that was when Our world changed. I have been where

youa e.

Feeling like I was going insane, crying all the time etc.

 

Well My hubby has come along way from that dreadful day when The surgeon came out

and told me he had a bleed. Not sure if he would walk, talk, etc. Well he is talking, walking,

his speech is getting better,still has trouble with his words, but so what. He has not had

as much success with his arm, but we never give up.

 

It is a hard road. Many times I just wanted to give up, But it has become easier.

I also had to be a Nice Bitch, once in awhile to.. A pep talk shall we say. and you

will know when you need to do that.

 

Keep posting anytime you feel a need, It helps!

Hugs!

Gail :friends:

 

[charmin]

I know it has been awhile since I have posted, but I have had a lot going on. To tell you the truth I am done! I am not married and no matter how I put it, no matter how many times I try to explain that no one person can cause a stroke whether it is a clot or a bleed. I will always be the blame, I can not take that anymore, so thank you for all the good advice and I will miss you all but I am no longer a caregiver, I may check in time to time to see if I can help anyone, but until than I bid you adue.

 

Andi